This week I present a SPECIAL BEST-OF HOROSCOPES PAST edition - definitely not done because I don't have enough jokes for this week. These are the best horoscopes your humble astrologer has written over the years, as voted on by me. But be very careful - these don't apply as your horoscope for this week, so I am not responsible if you mis-apply this advice. Of course I'm never responsible anyway, so... yeah. Enjoy.
Week:9/24/2012
| Aries
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Generally, people love your gregariousness, your overblown sense of entitlement and your six fingers on each hand. But this isn't a good week to flaunt them. Just trust me.
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| Taurus
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This week, on the road of life, you will discover that the weasel does not, in fact, go "pop". It goes "squish".
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| Gemini
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This week, brush up on your syllepses and against a hot stranger.
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| Cancer
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Your problem is you have been looking for a life partner that shares your values, your interests and your intellect. But finding a retarded Satanist interested in soap manufacture is a tall order.
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| Leo
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Be extra-sensitive this week to people who are less fortunate than you. Next week you can go back to pointing at them and laughing.
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| Virgo
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There are very good reasons for the failure of your love life. I think carefully selected words will soften the blow here. Self-absorbed. High-maintenance. Drama-prone. OK, carefully selected hyphenated pairs of words. Reality-challenged. Horse-faced.
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| Libra
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You were born to a life of hatred and peaches. This week the peaches run out.
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| Scorpio
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The good news is, two girls will be coming over this weekend for some fun. The bad news is they're bringing one cup.
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| Sagittarius
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No, you misunderstood. I said "Go forth and conquer" last week. Stop comparing yourself to the first three guys who conked her.
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| Capricorn
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Try to balance your need for attention with a clear concept of "acceptably bad" this week. There is a fine line between "fun" and "disgusting" public vomiting.
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| Aquarius
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It's back to core values for you this week: good friends, good family, and not stepping on midgets.
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| Pisces
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How can you call yourself a Cataphract? You couldn't wield a kontos if Gallienus himself handed it to you personally along with your Lorica squamata.
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