User:Fhqwhgads/Guide to Religion

I pity the fool, who decided to worship me.

If you're thinking of joining, creating, or making fun of any and all religions, this is your guide. People who live in holes and suck their thumbs all day will find all this very new to them. Otherwise, the truth has never been closer to being a conundrum.

A lot of people will expect some big philosophical discussion about the meaning of life, and which religion fits in with your views of morality as a human. As Lex Luther would say: WRONG!!!

This isn't really information on religion, this is more of a way to work your way around it. Don't blame us if you're crucified.

Objective of Religions

A religion is a fan club of some omnipotent deity(usually named God) that is always right about everything. The more people in one group, the more it pleases god.

The objective of a religion is to convert as many people as you possibly can before the end of the world, which, according to Mayan calculations, the current cycle of the world is due to end on December 23rd, 2012. On that day, God will tally up all the members of each fan club(religion), and who ever has the most members wins the grand prize: harmony and everlasting peace in heaven, while the rest get to burn in hell for eternal damnation.

How to Start a Religion

If you want to start a religion, then you're pretty retarded (there's only 5 years left til the end of the world! You're screwed! XD). You won't be able to convert enough people by then, that is, unless, you want to start the religion to misguide people, which is a pretty wicked idea.

If you want to fool people into believing your religion, which means that many less people to spend time with in heaven, and that much more people failing to combat your religion, then you need to follow the three religious guidelines.

The Three Religious Fan Club Guidelines™

1. Your religion must contradict all other religions, that way people won't understand the rest of them, and in turn won't convert.
2. The more scientific "truths" that your religion can oppose within their basic tenets the better, your religion then becomes a matter of faith, so you can add the craziest dogma without anyone complaining.
3. Your religion must want to destroy other religions. The more fired up your people are by mentioning oppositions of your religions, the better. Soon, wars will break out, and you can try to get "government funding" for your "holy war".

Now, you're ready to start converting!

Knowing Your Opponents

If you're going to be a part of this hectic fan club race, you'd better see what you're up against, whether you're following a fan club or leading one. (In order of size)These are the five main fan clubs: Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Traditional Chinese, and Buddhism.

Buddhism

All of the fan clubs are pretty well covered with the Three Religious Guidelines™, with one exception. That is, Buddhism. Buddhism is pretty weird, and it seems like they're in it just for the hell of it. Buddha isn't a god, just a peace loving philosopher in 423 A.D., they don't disagree with science, and they're pretty peaceful. In fact, this is a major advantage, because your religion is hard to get fired up against them, or start any wars. Look out for them, these guys know what they're doing. But, they're in fifth place. They're too peaceful to mess with, so leave these guys alone. And besides, many of them are ninjas.

Traditional Chinese

This is made up of a bunch of crap, and spread out with many separate yet similar religions. This is called the "divide and convert" tactic, and has proven to be very effective if done correctly. Out of all of them, other than Buddhism(which doesn't count), this one has the weakest grasp on defying science. You can use it's weak point (science) for massive damage. But look out, they have real time deity change.

Hinduism

If it's someone with brown skin, average height, brown eyes, and short black heir, you've got a Hindu. Quite a few gods make up Hinduism, which means it can defy other religions on many different levels. Also, they're all packed into one smelly country called India, where the REAL Indians live(I know, I'm confused too). Try to take these guys out one at a time, because they're poor people and are only strong in numbers.

Muslim

Islam believers believe in the same god as Christians, so they've got you there with the whole "god" argument. But, their biggest weakness is stereotypes. These people have a huge stereotype of being Nazi terrorists. Use this to your advantage and start a war or two. And if your too heartless to do it, sneak a terror plot into Bush's desk. But, I wouldn't be afraid to do it, those "innocent civilians" in Iraq are opposing your religion, so just slap the stereotype on them and sweep "democracy o'er the land".

Christianity

These guys are your biggest threats. They worship a zombie, so they're loony enough to be oppressed enough to be faithful enough due to the "multiple tests of faith", which causes the most stubborn religion in the world. Many of them are crazy. But, their weakness is to show their craziness by showing them logic that defies their religion. It works all the time.

What Should My Religion Fan Club Be Like?

Once you decide to start a religion, you're gonna need some help. A lot of people got stumped at this part and decided to go have a cold one instead. But, generally just make up any crap whatsoever. The crazier, the more the person has to "test his faith" for being ridiculed into believing in. The more faithful one is, the more people they count as.

People:Craziness

The people to Craziness ratio is a way that people determine the faithfulness of one, to determine how many people they count as. Yes, that's right, you can count as 1/10th of a person following a religion, or 5 people following a religion! It's quite simple really. If you follow this graph, you get to see how many people you count as.