User:Burningpie/Salsa Wars
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Salsa Warz[edit | edit source]
A description of the horrific events that occurred in 2002-2003
During the later months of 2002 the PETZ (People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies) protested the spiciness of salsa in one of the border towns in New Mexico, USA. When the local government ignored the organization's request, PETZ contracted an elite group of Canadian Radishes to solve the problem. The Radishes invaded Mexico to destroy the Mexican 'high' and 'medium' heat salsa. Unfortunately, the Radishes were discovered and were only able to impede the salsa mined from the Salsa Mines. Soon after this event occurred the United States was in a Salsa shortage, and had to use up some of its SSR (Strategic Salsa Reserves). This event was not releases to the general public because if they knew about a Salsa shortage there would mass hysteria, panic and more hysteria.
The Radishes[edit | edit source]
The Radishes trained in the ways of a bygone era, using Cossack, Samurai, and Super Model techniques, they soon became masters of the Earthen ways and they use weaponry that is still in the prototype stages.
Ivan[edit | edit source]
Code Name: Hoss
Position: Demolitions
Height: .25 meters (roots to leaves)
Eric[edit | edit source]
Code Name: Point Blank
Position: Lead Infantry
Height: .20 meters
Fred[edit | edit source]
Code Name: Hit Man
Position: Field Medic
Height: .23 meters
Bob[edit | edit source]
(No one likes Bob)
Code Name: Fall guy
Position: Meat/Vegetable shield
Height: .24 meters
Salsa Mines[edit | edit source]
The Salsa Mines were created by the Mole-Ppl. They are an ancient race that came to Earth because they were shunned from their home society. Because they had nothing else to do they created the material 'Salsa'. When the natives of what would be Mexico tasted the material they fought for control of it. In order for their Salsa to be safe the Mole-Ppl hid it underground for a more advanced society. They made three different mines, 'high', 'medium', and 'mild'. When they first started out the mines were nothing more than a few hundred meters down. Yet, over time the Salsa grew due to the minerals/vitamins in the ground. They expanded like a crystal, a crystal of Salsa!!! Currently, many scientists believe that the mines go down as far as 20 km and at least 500 meters at the widest point (for each mine).
The Mexicans use technology loaned by the U.S. government from Area 51 to excavate the Salsa. In exchange, Mexico would give the U.S. enough Salsa to last three months, in case of emergency, and exclusive access to newly discovered Salsa(s).
The Incident[edit | edit source]
When the Radishes invaded Mexico they used the secret tunnels that people used to smuggle illegal drugs in to the U.S. they made it to the Salsa Mine compound without being caught. It was all going well until Bob looked over and asked one of the Mexican guards, "Yo como muchos anos y lapizes.". What Bob said was, 'I eat many/much azzes/butts and pencils.' what he meant was, 'Where is the bathroom.’ At which point the guard took out his Italian made combat knife and shoved it repeatedly into the vegetable matter of Bob. The guard, also called Christolball, began yelling in some weird dialect while the combat knife wiggled in tune with Bob's veggie heart. While Christolball's knife still struck in him, Bob was in his childhood fantasy of Veggietale Land. All of a sudden Bob hurled himself at Christolball and together rolled off the cliff that was to suspicious placed near the tip of a nuclear coolant tower.