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FIFA World Cup 4013BC One does not simply walk into Mordor
Teams	8
Host	Mordor
Champions	Mordor
Matches Played	16
Total Goals	88
Top Goalscorer	Thesh (12 goals)

The FIFA World Cup 4013BC was the first ever football World Cup, hosted in Mordor in the summer of year 4013BC. The eventual winners were the host nation. The story of the tournament can be found in the final pages of the Silmarillion.

Qualification

The qualification process was split into 2 areas- one being Middle-earth itself and the other being pretty much anywhere else you can think of. A total of 11 games managed to seperate the men from the boys. So why do FIFA need hundreds and hundreds nowadays?

Lothlórien were not allowed to enter as the elves refused to let foreign countries into their region lest the pure waters of the Andiun be spoiled. It is rumoured that the current location of Lothlórien is, in fact, North Korea.

Middle-earth zone

Preliminary stage

December 15 4015BC
	The Shire	4-1	Mirkwood	Party Tree Stadium
	Frodo Baggins (4)		B. Spider

December 16 4015BC
	Dwarves of Moria	1-2	Orcs of Moria	Khazad-Dûm Bridge
	Gimli		John Lydon, Aruckasheshikovnarcski

December 16 4015BC
	South Gondor	0-0	Isengard	A debatable and desert land
		4-2 on pens

• Therefore The Shire, Orcs of Moria and South Gondor progress.

Group stage N.B. Top two progress.

Group 1

Team	Pld	W	D	L	GF	GA	GD	Pts
Númenor	2	2	0	0	17	0	+17	6
Rohan	2	1	0	1	2	5	-3	3
Orcs of Moria	2	0	0	2	0	14	-14	0

July 12 4014BC
	Rohan	0-5	Númenor	Edoras Valley Pitch
			Tar-Ancalimë, Tar-Road (3), Tar-Calion

July 16 4014BC
	Númenor	12-0	Orcs of Moria	North Cape Field
	(can't be bothered to type all the names tbh)

July 19 4014BC
	Orcs of Moria	0-2	Rohan	Khazad-Dûm Bridge
			Théoden (2)

Group 2

Team	Pld	W	D	L	GF	GA	GD	Pts
The Shire	2	1	1	0	3	2	+1	4
Gondor	2	0	2	0	6	6	0	2
South Gondor	2	0	1	1	4	5	-1	1

July 14 4014BC
	The Shire	1-0	South Gondor	Hobbiton Park
	Frodo Baggins

July 18 4014BC
	South Gondor	4-4	Gondor	A Debatable and Desert Land
	Roflmir (2), Cartman, Alarm		Faramir, Boromir (3)

July 20 4014BC
	Gondor	2-2	The Shire	Minas Tirith
	Denethor (2)		Sam Gamgee, Frodo Baggins

• Thus Númenor, Rohan, The Shire and Gondor qualified. These were joined by Mordor who received a bye as hosts.

Other zone

This was a straight knockout format.

May 23 4014BC
	Sumeria	2-1	Rome	Eridu
	Eannatum, Remus (o.g.)		Romulus

May 23 4014BC
	Mesolithic FC	0-0	Atlantis	Star Carr, England
		1-4 on pens

May 23 4014BC
	Egypt	Walkover	Eden	-

N.B. Eden had to withdraw, as it was still a good ten years until God invented it in 4004 BC

• Thus Sumeria, Atlantis and Egypt qualified.

Host venues

Map of Mordor, white dots indicate host venues. There are 5 dots. Can you find them all?

The host venues were announced by Sauron in a press conference from Barad-dûr on October 31 4014BC. Due to heavy fascist-like control on what newspapers could print, only the Daily Mail could report this news.

• Minas Morgul Bruce Arena Capacity: 4 and a few spiders
• Sea of Nûrn Bowl Capacity: 3,000
• The Black Gate Stadium Capacity: 5,000
• Kit-Kat Barad-dûr Complex Capacity: 100,000
• Mount Doom Capacity: 67,380,000

By decree of the great Lord Sauron himself, all of Mordor's games would be played at the Kit-Kat complex so he could watch from his bedroom window. Mount Doom would be only used for the final itself.

Draw

The draw took place on December 25 4014BC and was televised like from Sauron's bedroom. Teams were allocated into pots (well that was the technical term, in fact they were fishbowls) and drawn out.

Fishbowl A	Fishbowl B	Fishbowl C	Fishbowl D
Mordor (hosts) Númenor	Egypt Sumeria	Gondor The Shire	Rohan Atlantis

Some controversy was caused when the fish in Fishbowl D, Jaws, ate the ball of Atlantis. This meant Rohan had to be drawn out in Group A and many Atlantisians were most unhappy with this.

Group A

• Mordor
• Sumeria
• The Shire
• Rohan

Group B

• Númenor
• Egypt
• Gondor
• Atlantis

Group B was therefore the group of death. Suprising that, considering Mordor were in the other group.

The Group Stage

Group A

As expected, Mordor triumphed in this group winning with ease. Sauron himself was not happy and decided to play himself in the final game against Rohan. Rohan played excellently to keep the score down to 10-0; after all they were up against the most powerful being ever plus half their team was eaten by Shelob following their defeat against Sumeria. The Shire progressed in second place.

Team	Pld	W	D	L	GF	GA	GD	Pts
Mordor	3	3	0	0	15	1	+14	9
The Shire	3	1	1	1	5	4	+1	4
Sumeria	3	1	0	2	2	5	-3	3
Rohan	3	0	1	2	1	13	-12	1

June 12 4013BC
	Mordor	2-0	Sumeria	Kit-Kat Barad-dûr Complex att. 98,548
	Eannatum (o.g.), Urtz

June 13 4013BC
	The Shire	1-1	Rohan	Sea of Nûrn Bowl att. 2,129
	Frodo Baggins		Éowyn

June 16 4013BC
	Mordor	3-1	The Shire	Kit-Kat Barad-dûr Complex att. 99,751
	Urgul, The Eggman, The Mouth of Sauron		Peregrin Took

June 17 4013BC
	Rohan	0-2	Sumeria	Minas Morgul Bruce Arena att. 2 + Shelob
			Fingal, Oscar Wilde

June 20 4013BC
	Mordor	10-0	Rohan	Kit-Kat Barad-dûr Complex att. 97,421
	Sauron (10)

June 20 4013BC
	Sumeria	0-3	The Shire	The Black Gate Stadium att. 4,631
			Bilbo Baggins, Proudfeet (2)

Group B

Atlantisian fears proved unfounded as they topped the group. Númenor were impressive in parts but it proved not to be. At 0-1 down against Egypt in the opening game in the final minute, the whole team ran away to avoid getting eaten by Shelob. In exactly the same position against Atlantis, they ran away and went 2-0 down, until a fan stopped them, reminding Shelob was not at the game. So they came back and scored 3 last minute goals. It wasn't enough though as they were knocked out. Egypt qualified in second.

Team	Pld	W	D	L	GF	GA	GD	Pts
Atlantis	2	2	0	1	7	5	+2	6
Egypt	3	1	1	1	6	5	+1	4
Númenor	3	1	1	1	7	9	-2	4
Rohan	3	0	2	1	7	8	-1	2

June 14 4013BC
	Númenor	0-3	Egypt	Minas Morgul Bruce Arena att. 3 + Shelob
			Thesh (3)

June 15 4013BC
	Gondor	0-1	Atlantis	The Black Gate Stadium att. 5,000
			Zeus

June 18 4013BC
	Egypt	3-3	Gondor	Sea of Nûrn Bowl att. 1,571
	Thesh (3)		Boromir, Scorpion (o.g.), un-named hero

June 19 4013BC
	Númenor	3-2	Atlantis	Minas Morgul Bruce Arena att. 2
	Tar-Menow (3)		Socrates, Zeus

June 21 4013BC
	Egypt	0-2	Atlantis	Sea of Nûrn Bowl att. 2,917
	Sauron (10)

June 21 4013BC
	Gondor	4-4	Númenor	The Black Gate Stadium att. 4,870
	Faramir, Boromir (2), Mir Space Station		Tar-Menow (3), Tar-Road

Semi Finals

The winner of one group played the runner up of the other in the Semi Finals.

Semi Final 1

June 24 4013BC
	Mordor	2-2	Egypt	Kit-Kat Barad-dûr Complex att. 99,789
	Urtz, King Kong	6-5 on pens	Thesh (2)

Sauron ruled himself out of this match with a niggling hand injury (he had landed on his ring whilst celebrating his tenth goal in the previous game). Mordor were heavily pressured but managed to reach a penalty shoot out despite Thesh scoring his eight goal of the tournament with his eight shot of the tournament in the 88th minute.

Despite Tiu scoring a perfectly legitimate last minute winner for Egypt with a header, it was ruled out (England had the same trouble 6017 years later at Euro 2004. And still goalline technology hasn't been introduced). Instead the game went to penalties and after a miss on the 7th penalty by Scorpion, Mordor's goalkeeper Rock'ard-o buried the winner sending the home nation to the final.

Semi Final 2

June 25 4013BC
	Atlantis	1-3	The Shire	The Black Gate Stadium att. 4,945
	Aristotle		Frodo Baggins (3)

Despite Aristotle giving the islanders the lead it was in vain as the superb Frodo Baggins scored a second hat-trick which sent the Hobbits into the final. An aftermath of this is Zeus, captain of the Atlantis team, sunk the island on the next day, unhappy with his teammates performances. Just think, if Frodo wasn't around on that day, Atlantis could still exist now.

Third Place Play-off

The third place play-off was played on June 28, and won by Egypt.

June 28 4013BC
	Egypt	4-1	Atlantis	Kit-Kat Barad-dûr Complex att. 56,321
	Thesh (4)		Zeus

Considering the whole Atlantis team had drowned bar Zeus, 4-1 wasn't a bad result. However in a great show of tactical nous by Zeus (poet, know it, etc.), the Egyptians kept getting caught offside. But in the end Zeus gave up and walked off back into his home in the sky leaving an open goal. Egypt thus won the game and ended the tournament in third place.

Final

Halflings of all kinds were banned from the slopes of Mount Doom as Sauron did his best to ensure a full Mordor-supporting crowd. In the end over 66 million orcs, a few chavs and the odd eagle descended on the stadium. As the game was played in the crater and all the fans were on the sides, giant TV screens were set up to ensure everyone had a good view.

The first half

The Shire folk started feebly, mainly because every time one of their players had the ball, Sauron's eye would glare at them and they would be temporarily blinded. In the confusion, Mordor went 6-0 up in the first 5 minutes thanks to goals from various orcs. However half-baked, half-witted, halfling Half Halflong had the idea to shine a mirror at the eye to reflect the glare back at it. This worked and Sauron's eye was out of action for a while. With no off putting light, and the orcs utterly lost without a leader, 'the boys' started to play a bit, with the ever brilliant Mr. F. Baggins bagging 5 goals over the rest of the half, while Bilbo and Meriadoc both grabbed 2 each to give the Shire folk a 9-6 half time lead.

                   Mordor 6 – 9 The Shire 
            various orcs (6)    Frodo Baggins (5), Bilbo Baggins (2), Meriadoc Brandybuck (2)

The second half

It was very evenly balanced second half for a while whilst Sauron's eye began to power up. After a healthy mieal of eyedrops mixed with cherubim and seraphim, the eye began to glare at the hobbits, although not as brightly. This wasn't too bad but then Halflong fell on his mirror and it broke. With the glare getting to them again, the hobbits conceded 3 late goals to take the game to extra time.

                   Mordor 9 – 9 The Shire 
            various orcs (9)    Frodo Baggins (5), Bilbo Baggins (2), 
                                Meriadoc Brandybuck (2)

Extra time

Sauron decided the game had to be put beyond doubt, despite his injuries. So he went into the elevator in the tower only to find it was 'in maintanence'. Hurriedly changing into his kit whilst running down the endless flight of stairs, he arrived out onto the pitch with two minutes to go to see that the score was 11-9 to the hobbits, thanks to goals from Peregrin Took and Fatty Lumpkin.

                   Mordor 9 – 11 The Shire 
            various orcs (9)    Frodo Baggins (5), Bilbo Baggins (2), 
                                Meriadoc Brandybuck (2), Peregrin Took,
                                Fatty Lumpkin

But despite being injured Sauron quickly set up two goals and as the cave troll raised the injury time board (1 minute) Sauron ghosted down the pitch. All the hobbits were cast aside by the immense power of the ring which left Sauron up against the goalkeeper, Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. 'AND SAURON MUST SCORE!' screamed the commentator. However, at that moment, a remarkable turn of events took place.

Firstly, Sauron shot, and in slow motion the ball appeared to be heading for the back of the net. But suddenly, Aragorn (I bet you were wondering when he would appear in this article) took off his orc disguise and leapt from the crowd clutching the shards of Narsil. It looked as if the events of 7030BC (Elendil, Isildurrrr etc.) were to be repeated. The ball headed past the goalkeeper into the top corner and Sauron reeled away in celebration with his shirt over his head. Unable to see, he tripped and fell over his mace and Aragorn pounced, claiming the one ring as his own. Thus befell the end of the Axis of evil and the end of the Third Age of Middle Earth. The orcs were scattered and Mount Doom exploded in a frenzy of hell, fire, and the Stone Roses. The Shire team escaped on the backs of eagles (Don Henley leading the pack). The trophy could not be offered as the whole Mordor team had perished. However, the cup was still awarded to Mordor.

June 29 4013BC
	Mordor	12-11	The Shire	Mount Doom att. 66,014,305
	various orcs (11), Sauron	9-9 at 90 mins	Frodo Baggins (5), Bilbo Baggins (2), Meriadoc Brandybuck (2), Peregrin Took, Fatty Lumpkin

Winners

Thus Mordor were the winners of the tournament, their first title.

Mordor (first title)

Golden Boot

The Golden boot was won by Pharoah Thesh (google him, he actually is real) of Egypt, with 12 goals, one ahead of Sauron.

1. Thesh (Egypt)- 12 goals
2. Sauron (Mordor)- 11 goals
3. Frodo Baggins (The Shire)- 9 goals (plus 6 in qualifying)

Legacy

The old news reel clips of the tournament were supposed to have been made into a film (to be titled Lord of the Rings), but this in fact was never made, and when it was, it missed out Tom Bombadil altogether.

The story of the tournament can be found in the final pages of the special edition of the Silmarillion, chronicled by J.R.R. Tolkein. This edition is so special it has never been seen by human eyes.

It was also written in the Red Book of Doom, Gloom and Parties:My Story, the autobiography of Sam Gamgee.