“I can't believe the silly little bastard put that ring on and went Wuptengruber!”
“ Why didn't you take the damn giant bird?”
Bilbo Baggins (or Dildo Faggins for the immature among us) is the protagonist of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit, a children's pop up book he wrote as a prequel to The Lord of the Rings, in the hopes to make the latter more palatable to the semi-literate Dungeons and Dragons nerds who are his target audience.
All the critics gave the book poor reviews, but it enjoys being in print still, mostly because the publishers change the cover art every couple of years to trick the public into thinking that they're purchasing a different book.
Tolkien describes Bilbo, more or less, as being a horrible little rat-like creature that lives in a burrow set deep into a hillside, far below where respectable people live. His name is Bilbo Baggins and his balls are saggin'. His clothing, obviously slept in, is suited for his favorite activity, lounging around at home smoking the halfling leaf. He's always walking around barefoot, his hair is greasy and it looks like he hasn't washed in forever.
This is fairly typical for all hobbits, however, and the only truly remarkable thing about Bilbo is that he is in his forties, where as the average hobbit lifespan is closer to that of your common garden variety rodent.
Bilbo is spending a lovely night at home, when there is a knocking at his door. No sooner does he answer then he is hit in the head with a cudgel and shoved into a burlap sack. Later, upon awakening, the hobbit finds himself surrounded by a bunch of mandolin-wielding dwarves. The wizard Gandalf is also there and explains that this is the only group of dwarven bards in the whole of Middle Earth, shunned by all the rest of the dwarves, who refuse to take levels in any class other than fighter or cleric. They were on their way to jack some dragon for his treasure, planning to use the funds to start their own bardic college, when after a couple of random encounters they realized that a party composed entirely of dwarven bards is completely useless. They've already recruited Gandalf with promises that he has dibs on all the magic items, but still needed a thief, which Bilbo obviously was since he was a halfling. Bilbo couldn't argue with this, and after being hit in the head with mandolins for several minutes happily agreed to join their quest, in exchange for full party shares of treasure for himself and his donkey.
From that point on they had many boring adventures, including, but not limited to:
- The encounter with the trolls, wherein many of the dwarven bards were eaten. Bilbo mostly just watches, but afterwards enacts a daring rescue plan that involves getting the trolls stoned. Unfortunately, this gives the trolls the munchies, and they eat the rest of the dwarven bards. Gandalf casts Melf's Acid Arrow at the trolls until they die, and then he and Bilbo drag what is left of the dwarves to the nearest temple to get raised, after having grabbed all the best treasure for themselves.
- The encounter with goblins, wherein the peaceful and friendly creatures invite the party into their community, only to have Gandalf kill their king for the experience points. The dwarves lay into the rest of the unarmed goblins with their mandolins, and somehow Bilbo is pushed into a well/cesspool. After being deposited in the goblins' sewer, Bilbo meets a pathetic, old, subterranean hermit, who offers to join Bilbo in a friendly riddle game. Bilbo agrees, and then promptly proceeds to cheat the hermit out of all of his possessions, and kicking him in the crotch before running off laughing. This nets him the One Ring those other books go on about, but to this day he swears he found it in a Cracker Jack box.
- Gandalf leaves the party to solo, and soon after they're arrested by the wood elves for setting forest fires. In an amazing display of thuggery, Bilbo carries out his plan to free the dwarves, which involves shady lawyer practices, grassroot campaigns denouncing the dwarves' imprisonment, heartwarming 'triumph of the dwarven spirit' TV movies, but mostly getting the elven screws at the prison drunk and then crotch kicking them into submission.
Finally, the group reaches the dragon's lair where Bilbo covers the remaining dwarven bards in arsenic and tricks them into charging the dragon so that they may 'set up the sneak attack' for him. The dragon eats all of the bards and goes off on an after dinner flight, before the poison finally kicks in and kills it, resulting in the corpse crashing into and destroying a nearby laketown. Bilbo laughs while loading up his mule with treasure, and that's when Gandalf returns in a cheesy puff of smoke. He joins the hobbit in laughing at the carnage, and then collects his share of the loot before taking off. In the end, Bilbo rides back to his rat hole, richer than sin, and returns to his simple life of pipeweed fueled debauchery.
The Lord of the Rings
Bilbo only has a few cameos in the sequel trilogy, more or less showing that no reprecussions have resulted at all from his many horrible crimes.
Work as an Adult Film Star
Bilbo worked briefly as an adult film star under the pseudonym "Dildo Faggins", and has appeared in several gay porn masterpieces, including Lord of the Cock Rings (costarring Gandalf the Gay).
Other films include: Fat Midget Orgy (As Bilbo Ballsack)
Dildo is also notabale for pioneering the "Ringwraith", a complicated hit and run anal sex manuever.