User:Asahatter/The Archers
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| Genre | Reality wireless show |
| Running Time | For ever and ever, Amen |
| Air dates | Since 1848 |
| Home Station | BBC Wireless 4 |
| Country | Middle England |
| Language(s) | Mummerset, Gibberish, Brummish, Why-Aye, Pluminmouth |
| Monarch | The Editor |
| Currency | Apintashires |
| Time zone | Sometime in the 1950s |
| National anthems | Camberwick Green, Underneath the Archers |
The Archers is a pioneering reality wireless show which has been running on the BBC since 1951, although it does seem longer. Broadcast daily as a series of audio diaries, it chronicles the lives of the inhabitants of a rural village in Middle England. In order to protect the privacy of residents, this village is code named Ambridge and is said to be in the fictional county of Dorsetshire.
The History of The Archers[edit | edit source]
The Archers was introduced by British Prime Minister Sir Robert Peel (inventor of the potato) in 1846. When he repealed the Quorn Laws (a controversial act which made vegetarians illegal) he became unpopular with farmers, and sought a strategy that would suggest he cared about rural issues whilst actually ignoring them. This policy remains an important element of British politics, but his solution was unique: he would provide Middle England with daily reports on life in the country as seen through the eyes of real bumpkins. Peel appointed government officials (known as "Peelers") to find the ideal location and eventually "Ambridge" was chosen and the area sealed off from the prying eyes of the public.
Village inhabitants were then offered a small stipend (a place to house pigs) for keeping diaries which would be published nationally in periodicals such as The Middle England Mail, The Daily Torygraph and Razzle. These articles were originally known simply as "An Everyday Story of Country Folk."
By 1848 the whole country, from High Wycombe to Chalfont St Peter, was buzzing with the latest news from Wimberton Farm and the exploits of the notorious Archer family. When young Seth Archer failed to stand during a rendition of "God Save the Queen" by the Ambridge brass band the number of protest letters sent to the Times exceeded those received regarding the Seige of Sebastopol.
The popularity of the columns continued into the twentieth century, and thanks to the omnipresence of the Archer clan in the daily report, many referred to it simply as "The Archers."
The Archers Riots[edit | edit source]
The Archers Riots occurred in September 1912 when a leaf on the railway line from Brumingham caused the Archers' stories to be delayed for a whole three minutes. Middle England voiced its protests outside parliament, waving placards proclaiming "This simply isn't good enough" or "Why, oh, why, oh why?" Several protesters arrived via the Clapham Omnibus and the police felt it necessary to deploy plates of scones in order to disperse the rabble. No Britons were hurt.
The Archers on the Wireless[edit | edit source]
Prime Minister Attlee was responsible for transferring the chronicles of the Ambridge comity to the airwaves in 1950. It is now broadcast twice daily on the wireless and never ever ever on the radio. It started on the Light Programme, but due to the villagers' fondness for pints of Shires had to move to the Heavy Programme until it ended up at in current home on BBC Wireless 4. Wireless transmission was not popular with some of the villagers, and many still refuse to feature on this new-fangled medium. Such village rebels include Fletcher Christian, Captain Pugwash, Fat Snatch and Edgar Titcombe
Unknown to many listeners, Phil Archer has never appeared on the wireless, but his voice is provided by a painting believed to be of Norman origin.
The Archers Controversy[edit | edit source]
The BBC has on many occasions been accused of manipulating the lives of Ambridge residents to suit their own whims. For example, it has been suggested that potential newcomers to the village are subjected to careful vetting by an all powerful figure, known simply as, The Editor. Archers supporters maintain that such scrutiny is no worse than that suffered by newcomers to any other Middle English village.
What is known is that any newcomer must have an accent that is completely different from any other resident, so that it remains impossible to work out where Ambridge actually is.
It is rumoured that Ambridge residents are discouraged from leaving the village by tales of strange creatures that roam the surrounding countryside. Known simply as "townies" or "outsiders", the villagers keep them at bay by colouring everything a disturbing shade of mustard. They also perform annual rituals, including the "Usha Gupta" and a "pantomime". Those who refuse to participate are "Snelled" punishment consisting of brow beating and possible deployment of specially-trained attack llamas.
Some audio diaries have allegedly been broadcast from outside of Ambridge, but many believe that these are faked. Residents do provide reports from locations as diverse as Dorchester, Tuppence Gottit, Chigley and Nempnett Thrubwell, but there is no firm evidence that villagers are actually allowed to visit such far-flung lands. When an Ambridge resident leaves the village they are usually described as being "In Hungary"
Detractors often cite the death of Grace Archer as typical BBC interference. Her death spookily coincided with the advent of a rival to the BBC and has never been properly explain. The BBC simply says that detractors should plough another furrow.
The Archers Omnibus[edit | edit source]
Although the real location of Ambridge remains a closely guarded secret, it is possible to visit the village by catching the Archers Omnibus (previously the Archers charabanc). Leaving from Birmingham on Sundays, fans of the broadcast are first put into a coma by 2 hours of religious programming so that they will be unable to recall the route taken.
Once in the village they receive a 90 minute tour, sampling a pint of Shires, Tom Archer's organic sausages and Linda , etc until they are returned to the omnibus.
Although attempts have been made to discover the whereabouts of the village from the lucky visitors, any attempt at getting an answer results in replies such as "Just a minute", "I'm sorry, I haven't a clue" or the even less elucidating "".
Ambridge Residents[edit | edit source]
The Archer Family: Gimmers[edit | edit source]
Phil Archer was, for many years, the only gay in the village(1). In order to avoid gossip he married and lived with best friend, Grace. Phil and Grace lived happily together until in 1955 some boffin invented ITV and Grace died by "falling off the roof whilst adjusting the ariel" - see The Archers Controversy. Phil then married Jill and together they began a cottaging business.
Jill Archer a former greensman named Pat who underwent gender reassignment in order to marry Phil.
The Archer Family: The Middle Years[edit | edit source]
Adopted children of Phil and Jill can easily be categorised. Dayveed Archer the boring one, married Ruth in the hope that her voice would keep birds off his crops.
Kenton Archer the feckless one, who fecked around in his youth.
Shula Archer the stupidly named one.
Lizzy Pargetter nee Archer the posh one who married an idiot so she would seem less thick.
Marble Archer the made up one.
The Archer Family: The Next Generation[edit | edit source]
The Archer family has continued to breed like rabbits, producing offspring like there was no tomorrow, which unfortunately there is, and will be for years to come with the likes of Joshy, Lily, Freddy and Tommy, who sure makes a mean organic sausage.
The Archer Family: Future Archers[edit | edit source]
Jonathan Archer in the future Jonathan will get a job as a Star Ship Captain and will never be seen again.
The Grundy Clan[edit | edit source]
Joe Grundy the patriarch of the clan, Joe has an opinion on everything and a solution for anything. Or so we assume, as he is completely unintelligible, due largely to the fact that he keeps ferrets in his trousers, which can play havoc with the diction.
Oh-Eddieee Grundy a lovable rogue, which is a Middle English term for criminal who can be quite handy if you need some chippings for the drive but don't want to pay an arm and a leg for them.
Clarrie-Love Grundy long-suffering wife of Oh-Eddieeeeee and a fine turkey plucker.
Bartleby Grundy the scrivener of the Grundy clan who is apparently hung like a horse.
Solomon Grundy - a mysterious character who featured on the show for just a week, with each episode recounting a significant event of his life. His last appearance coincided with his death, on a Sunday, and that was the end of Soloman Grundy.
The Dales[edit | edit source]
Alana Dale mother of Emma and would be Archer, have once been in Kenton. Mrs Dale was in fact the first of the Ambridge residents to achieve fame on the wireless, but her diary programme was entirely fictional
Emma Dale caused uproar when she left Ambridge to appear in a version of the Archers on the television. To add insult to injury, this programme was set in the North.
Chippen Dale Alana's husband and former male stripper. When a poll showed listeners considered Chippen Dale somewhat "wooden" he was put on a daily diet of helium and now sounds like a chimpmunk on speed.
Other Residents[edit | edit source]
Woolley Jack a sheep, former owner of Grey Stables, rumoured to be romantically involved with Peggy. This sort of thing goes on all the time in the countryside and nobody bats an eyelid.
The Angel Gabriel often visited Ambridge to make important announcements, for example "To the Archers there will be born a son, and he shall be called David, me old pal, me old beauty."
Jolene landlady of the Old Bull and Bush with beauty beyond compare, flaming locks of auburn hair and ivory skin and eyes of emerald green. Her affair with landlord, Perky Sid, caused outrage across Middle England when their explicit sexual liaisons were recorded in the shower, where the water might easily have damaged the recording equipment.
The Archers Trivia[edit | edit source]
- The theme tune to the show is Camberwick Green, the national anthem of Middle England and it is traditional to stand to attention when played.
- The official supporter's group is known as the Countryside Dalliance, who regularly gather together in London to celebrate the programme.