User:Acrolo/party

How To: Host An Emo Pity Party

Hopefully the helium in this balloon will give me emphysema so that I don't disappoint anyone by dying a quick, sudden death.

What are you doing here? Come to throw some snide remarks at me like everyone else? Stop acting like you are interested in my party; it’s not like anyone has ever cared about my feelings before. Why are you really here? When did you decide that I contributed anything positive to your superiority? Little old me? Well, you’re wasting your time, because as you can see no one else decided to pitch up for my party, which suits me just fine, because I can have fun on my own. I'll just go to my room and inhale all the helium from my pointless balloons and then talk to myself until I hopefully die of a lack of oxygen. I don’t know how long it will take for someone to eventually find my body and I'm sure that the process of decomposition will be long over by the time they do find my fragile skeletal remains, because everyone will be off having such a good time that they will completely forget that I ever existed. Of course my very bones will probably turn to dust and fade in with the sheets on my bed, which will be even better, because there will be no mess to clean up.

So you want to know how to host a party huh?

I don't know how much use this "how to" will be, because there was a time when I actually believed that I knew how to throw a party, but of course the more I think about it, the more I realize that two people sitting in absolute darkness, listening to a pirated CD of Tool on an old scratchy CD player while wearing pajamas is not really considered a party by simple-minded individuals. Yeah; smirk all you want, but you are forgetting that you are still here, expecting me; the insignificant little speck in your life, to tell you how to do something. I am probably correct in assuming that the real reason you are here is to actually take the Mickey out of me again. Well then I might as well fucking humor you while I'm at it:

Now there's a man with style.

Step 1: Choosing a theme:

When it comes to choosing a theme, I generally go for something like the casual theme (Jeans, T-shirt and sneakers.) That's probably because no one will bother to dress up for my parties anyway. Who would ever waste their time or money on another lame, Cabaret-Vampiric-Goth-Anarchist outfit for yet another lame Cabaret-Vampiric-Goth-Anarchist party, when they could just as well be watching the latest Harry Potter movie instead?

I tried to understand the concepts behind such a frivolous set of movies in which lies nothing but the same message of friendship, over-optimism and togertherness, but let's face facts here. It’s not like Harry, Ron and Hermione are going to grow up and remain friends forever and live happily ever after, despite what Rowling might tell you. Like any man with a penis, Harry will go on to discover the real magic behind a vagina, which will replace any needs for friendship, unless of course the friendship includes benefits. I must admit though I do love the way that Voldemort dresses; I'd do him and his death eaters any day.

Step 2: Writing the invitations:

I often use Microsoft Word to write my invitations using plain and simple text such as "Times New Roman". I don't like to go overboard and make them too fancy, because firstly: I never bother keeping color ink cartridges in my printer, and secondly it would be a complete waste of effort, seeing as most of the invitations will end up being used to scrub the grime off of a greasy, burnt grid before yet another boring, drunk barbeque, or used for wiping the dog shit off of someone's shoe after they rightfully step in it.

Most likely it will just end up on the floor of someone's car, or the bottom of someone's school bag to be cleaned out later along with all the other bits of mildew and grey fluff. That's just fine by me though; I'm quite used to adding to people's unwanted trash. It's probably best to leave your name out of the invitation completely, that way there is more of a chance that people will actually pitch up, which is what I found in most cases.

Step 3: Buying the supplies:

Depending on the type of party you want to throw, and assuming you are one of those cliché types who are planning on celebrating a birthday by buying a chocolate cake with the exact amount of candles to match your age, I would rather suggest being a little bit more subversive by buying a stuffed animal and as many explosive's as you can; that way you are sure to celebrate your birthday with a bang, and have the added benefit of watching a cute little bunny explode into millions of little pieces. In my case I would paste a picture of my sister's face on the bunny, but of course you don't need to do that, you could always choose someone different in your family. Now that is an instant wish come true, without having to blow out some candles first and then wait for something to happen.

Remember to buy enough helium filled balloons (Preferably black ones) for entertainment purposes. Be careful not to choke on the balloon while doing this though, you wouldn't want everyone knowing you died a quick death as opposed to slow suffocation. That would definitely upset them.

Step 5: Waiting for guests not to arrive:

Step 4 involved setting up for the party, but you might as well skip this step seeing as you shouldn’t bother anyway, you'll only be making more work for yourself, because trust me, no one will be around to appreciate the effort. Now of course you are at the point where I am now while writing this. Every little sound makes you take a peek out of the window through the small gap in the curtain in hopes of seeing a familiar face in the street, even though you already know that the most familiar face you will end up seeing is perhaps the woman who takes her dog for walks every day, only stopping by to let her dog take a piss on your post box.

Well there you have it. Now you know how to throw a fucking party. I'll be in the bathroom with a rusty butter knife if you need me; not that you will.