UnScripts:Total Recall

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
Unscriptlogo.png


This script art a part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.


Main Paige | Marlowe of the Month | Requests | The Scripts Collection


In the year 2009, a music producer named Janice is shooting a video with her old friend Sam.

Sam
And can I have this dance? Oooh!
Janice
And CUT! Good job, Sam, I'll have this posted online by the end of the week.
Sam
That's great. I'm sure it won't suck, with you being Janice and all.
Janice
Aw, I'm flattered!

Janice does some weird friendship goodbye hug with Sam and goes back home to her waiting husband, Kurt.

INT. THE HOME.

Kurt
Oh, hey Janice! It's nice to have you back!
Janice
It's nice to be back! (she goes and lovingly embraces him.)
Kurt
So, how's the whole career launching thing going?
Janice
Oh, well it's the first time I'm actually putting out a YouTube video, but Sam's talented as hell. If we work things right, he could make it really big.
Kurt
And what about you?
Janice
Oh, I'll be around. And besides, the video's gonna come up in my name, which should get me some attention!
Kurt
That's my girl! Now just wait, I've got a surprise for you!
Janice
What's that?
Kurt
Come over to the dining table if you want to find out!

They go over to the table, where Janice sees a cloche.

Kurt
Open it.
Janice
(opens it)
Aw, lobster! You made this for me!
Kurt
Actually, it's for us. You hungry?

EXT. STREETS.

The next day, Janice is listening to the radio while driving to work.

Radio Jockey
And 57-year old metalhead Jim Louis has once again written to you, Dave, complaining about how you've desecrated punk rock with your, quote "Gay parodies of stupid mainstream crap."
Dave
Again? He never gives up, does he? Well, haters gonna hate, that's all I'm gonna say. And he's a homophobe too, I'm guessing.
Radio Jockey
Believe me, I hate this guy too, not in the least because I'm gay. But that's why it's so much fun to publicly mock him, isn't it?
Dave
Yeah, totally.
Radio Jockey
And now it's time to take a short break. Stay tuned, folks, for Dave will still be with us when we get back.
Sponsor
Ever wanted to live the hero's life, but were too scared to try? Ever wanted to go to hell and back again, but were too scared to die? We at Rekall have the perfect solution for you! We'll give you the memories of all this, and more! Drop by our office at Belle View for a free trial, today!
Janice
Hmm....

INT. RECORDING STUDIO

Janice meets up with Sam and another singer named Allison.

Janice
Alright, so today we'll be recording a cover of "Breaking Free". I presume you've heard the song before.
Sam
Oh yeah. That musical it came from is one of my favorite movies. Watched it 5 times till now.
Allison
What he said.
Janice
Alright, you two go and warm up. I'll join you in a bit.

Sam and Allison leave, while Janice sits down, deep in thought.

Act 2[edit]

INT. HOUSE

Allison is snuggling in bed with Kurt, who notices something's wrong.

Kurt
You all right, Janice?
Janice
Yeah, it's just....sometimes I wish there was more I was doing, you know. I mean, I know I have it pretty well set-up with this producing gig and everything, but I feel like something's missing.
Kurt
Yeah, I know the feeling. It happens with everyone, you know. Don't worry about it.
Janice
I guess you're right, but...
Kurt
But what?
Janice
I think we should just go away, you know. Get away from everything.
Kurt
But honey, you yourself said you'll have a packed schedule for the rest of the month. I mean, wouldn't just running off be giving up on a lot of things?
Janice
I guess so. Hey Kurt....
Kurt
Yeah?
Janice
Do you love me?
Kurt
Always have, and always will.

INT. REKALL HQ

Apparently, her husband's love wasn't enough to quench Janice's escapist desires, as she is seen walking into the building and towards the receptionist's desk.

Janice
Um...excuse me?
Receptionist
Yes?
Janice
I would like to...erm...utilize your services you know...for....
Receptionist
Oh yes, I understand. Here's a brochure that should give you everything you need. I'll also book an appointment.

Janice goes and sits down at the waiting area, leafing through the brochure.

Janice
Hmm...interesting....pop producer...good thing I already am one, huh?.....guinea pig.....ah yes, secret agent! I'll go with this one!
Receptionist
Calling Mrs. Janice Schneider to the operating room!

Janice goes up and into the operating room, wherein she meets a doctor.

Doctor
Mrs Schneider, am I correct? I'm doctor Alex, and I'll walk you through the implantation procedure.
Janice
Okay, doctor Alex. I was wondering...how long have you guys been...you know...doing this?
Doctor
Oh, I see you're worried about your safety. Our work is actually a part of a larger scientific endeavor designed to test the scope and impact of memory manipulation on living beings. We've already conducted tests on various plants and lab rats with great success. As for human beings like you and me, we're in...what would you say...the clinical trial phase.
Janice
Wait....are people allowed to advertise clinical trials on the radio?
Doctor
Well, we did say this was a free trial. And we're true to our word. We'll be implanting you for "free" as part of our "trial".
Janice
Okay, I guess...
Doctor
Now, if you would just fill out this contract, and list you preferred implant choice right there....

Janice signs the contract and fills in "Secret Agent at the heart of a deadly conspiracy" in the "Preferences" section.

Doctor
Hmm...alright then...any ideas on what you'd like this conspiracy to be about?
Janice
No, you do whatever you like. Just make sure I end up with a hot guy in the end.
Doctor
Okay, hot guy. Now if would just lie down on the operating table right here, we can begin the implantation.

Janice lies down on the operating table, and sees some kindof headgear above her. The headgear begins to descend, and she loses consciousness.

Act 3[edit]

When she wakes up, Janice realizes that she's still in the operating room, and Doctor Alex is looking at her.

Janice
What happened?
Doctor
Well, we were just about to implant the memory when you began babbling about some Mickey being in danger and us trying to brainwash you. So I've called a cab to take you home.
Janice
Mickey? That name does sound familiar...
Doctor
(visibly unnerved)
Uh-huh. Oh, look the cab's here! We hope you enjoyed your stay!
Janice
My stay?
Doctor
Your implant, fantasy, whatever! Bye!

EXT. STREETS-NIGHTTIME

Janice rides the cab to her home.

Janice
Alright, I'll get off here, thanks. (pays fare and gets out) Hmm...this street looks emptier than usual.

Janice walks along the pavement towards her residence, and notice a bunch of guys walking towards her.

Janice
Hmm...that's Dave from the radio.

Dave from the radio takes out his silenced Beretta and starts shooting at her.

Janice
WHAT THE- (dives for safety into a conveniently located alley and runs for her life.)
Dave
She's making a run for it! C'mon, let's get that bitch!

Janice runs blindly down the alley as fast as she can, but the footsteps of Dave and his henchmen can be heard close behind, along with sexist slurs like "cunt" and "bimbo".

Janice
I can't outrun all of them, gotta find a place to hide....

Janice notices an open archway and runs inside. It turns out to be an empty room with graffiti strewn across the walls. And a crowbar lying around.

Just then, footsteps are heard.

Dave
Clarice! O Clarice? Come out, come out wherever you are!
Janice
Wait a minute, I'm not Clarice!
Dave
Changing your name to Janice was a smart move, you little slut.
Janice
Oh.
Henchmen 1
But now we've got you. There's no way you're gonna get away with what you did to Dave!
Henchmen 2
That's right. We're gonna make you pay, you crack-whore. With your life, and your pussy.
Dave
Just give up right now and we'll let you pick which one goes first!

Evil, lecherous laughter rings across the alley.

Dave
Alright, guys, block all the exits. This bitch ain't gonna make it out of here alive.

Dave and his henchmen fan out, and begin patrolling the place. And one of them approaches the archway, beyond which Janice has been conveniently concealed by a shadow.

Henchman 2
Nothing here, boss.

Janice stealthily sneaks up behind the henchman, with a finesse that surprises even her, and plunges the crowbar into his neck, causing him to die a very bloody death.

Janice
Hmm...that was kinda smooth. And fun.

Janice finds the man's gun, and proceeds to sneak around and find her remaining pursuers.

Henchmen 1
Mama, take this badge from me. I can't use it anymo-(shuts up because a bullet just went through his brain.)
Dave
Hey guys! Everything okay over there? Guys?

Suddenly, Janice leaps in front of him and shoots him multiple times in the chest. He drops dead.

Janice
And to think I was such a big fan of yours, you...wait, why am I feeling so awesome?! I just killed three people! What's happening to me!!!

Driven nuts because of what she's just been through, Janice rushes home. Kurt opens the door, and from the look of the TV, he's been watching the news.

Kurt
Hey, Janice. Where have you been.
Janice
Er...it's a long story, I...

Janice's gaze goes up to the TV, where a shootout is being reported.

Anchor
And we have just gotten confirmation that well-known musician Dave was among those killed in the shootout. Sources say he was shot multiple times in the chest...
Janice
Oh...oh my God....
Kurt
Hey honey, is everything okay?
Janice
No, no, it's not okay, I...I killed them!
Kurt
Hey, hey Janice! Look at me! Look at me. Yeah, alright, calm down. Now tell me what just happened to you, all right?
Janice
I...okay, I...I went to the Rekall headquarters, all right?
Kurt
Rekall? The guys who sell memories and stuff?
Janice
Yeah, I went there to become a secret agent, you know, and they couldn't implant me....they said I was blabbering....and then I'm on my way home and Dave tries to kill me!
Kurt
Wait, what? Dave tried to kill you?
Janice
Yeah, he called me Clarice, and.....and they said they were gonna rape me! I had no choice...I...I found a crowbar and....
Kurt
Janice! Janice, look at me! You didn't kill anyone, okay?
Janice
No, Kurt, I did! And it was FUN! (begins to cry)
Kurt
NO! Listen to me, okay? It was the guys at Rekall. They've messed with your head, and you....you're seeing things.
Janice
No, no....I...I could've sworn.
Kurt
Trust me, alright? It's all some screw-up at Rekall. You're gonna be okay, sweetie. (hugs her)
Janice
Oh, Kurt, I'm so scared....Kurt, I can't breathe, I can't BREATHE!!!
Kurt
(loosens up)
Oh, sorry about that. I guess what just happened kinda shook me up too, you know?

The door opens, and Sam walks in.

Sam
Hey, Janice! And you must be Kurt, right!
Kurt
Sam? Look, now's not a good t-
Sam
Oh, I've been planning this for weeks! Kurt, as you're the husband of my producer, I think we should get to know each other. Wanna go bowling?
Kurt
Look, Sam, Janice is going through something right now, I think it'd be best if I stayed with her today.
Sam
Oh, that reminds me of a funny thing I read about women! Did you know that they cope with traumas a lot better when left alone? Seriously, let's go! Janice will be perfectly fine by the time you come back!
Kurt
Look, I appreciate your offer, but I'm gonna stay with her. Maybe next time?
Sam
Aw, that sucks. (pulls out HIS silenced Beretta and opens fire) But there won't BE a next time!

Janice somehow escapes to the kitchen, but looking back, realizes that Kurt has been killed. She quickly hides under a table as Sam enters.

Sam
Oh, Clarice, you never stop giving me hell.

Clarice/Janice slides out from under the table armed with a frying pan, and whacks Sam in the shins. As Sam buckles and falls down, she repeatedly swings the pan at him, causing him to whelp in pain and become disoriented. She then takes Sam's gun and points it at him.

Janice
Talk!
Sam
Oh my-
Janice
(pistol-whips his face)
I said TALK!
Sam
About what, bitch?
Janice
For starters, why did you kill Kurt? And what do you want from me?!
Sam
Now, now, is that the way to treat your next big-(gets pistol-whipped yet again, and is now bleeding from the mouth) Alright, lady. I'm just doing my job here.
Janice
Job, what job?
Sam
To watch you, agent Clarice. To make sure you did as you were told, and to kill you if things ever went out of hand.
Janice
But...but this is ridiculous....we made music together....
Sam
Wrong, cunt! YOU think we made music together, because we wanted you to! Everything you remember is what WE wanted you to remember!
Janice
W...what?
Sam
You were a threat to our mission, so we made you a puppet. We'd taken your memories, and given you ones that we made ourselves. Your whole life, the husband, the house, the miscarriage...
Janice
Oh, oh, my God....
Sam
Yeah, that was my idea. Didn't want you have THE perfect life after what you did to us, you know. Anyway, everything you know, is a lie.
Janice
B...but....Kurt...he....
Sam
Oh, we warped his memories too. You see, I used to bang his girlfriend, and when he found ou-

Janice pistol-whips him again in a fit of rage.

Sam
Heh, impressive that you're keeping it together after everything I've told you. Isn't it driving you insane, what I've just said? Aren't you terrified? Scared?
Janice
I am, but at least I've got you to explain everything to me.
Sam
Oh, don't be so sure....CUE EXPLOSION!

The front door to Janice's house gets blown down. Taking advantage of her momentary distraction, Sam bites her leg which has pinned him down, and suddenly, she's lying down and he's standing above her.

Sam
Me and the SWAT team are going to have so much fun killing you, nice and slow.

In desperation, Janice tries to trip Sam over, and succeeds. Then, just as the SWAT team barges in, she jumps out of the window, and falls onto a conveniently located mattress.

Sam
Back onto the streets, team! Subject 14 is armed and dangerous! Shoot to kill!

The entire team goes back goes back down, except for one member who removes her helmet and turns out to be Sam's "co-worker", Allison.

Allison
Oh, Sam...(makes out with him)
Sam
Let's go get her.

Act 4[edit]

EXT. STREETS.

Janice is running like hell. And the city SWAT team is running like hell after her while somebody nearby is listening to the radio.

Radio Jockey
And here's something you don't see everyday. Apparently, an APB has just been put out on YouTuber Janice Schneider in connection with the murder of our very own Dave. So people, if you ever see her, or anyone like her, don't hesitate to shoot.
Janice
Are you kidding me?

Needless to say, that nearby somebody now has his gun out and is running after Janice.

Janice
Oh, goddamit, how do I lose them?

A nearby club titled "Anti-Establishment" is playing some deathcore metal.

Janice
AHA!

Janice runs straight through the front doors of the club before the SWAT team can catch up with her. Some notice her dramatic entrance, but then go back to getting high.

Band singer
And she came in 'cause she didn't want to die. And she saw that yellow briefcase lying BYYY! BYYYY!!! BYYYYYYY!!!!!!
Janice
Interesting, there's a yellow brief-....(quietly picks up the briefcase and goes to the toilet)

INT. TOILET

Janice opens the briefcase, and finds that it contains multiple fake passports, visas and title deeds. She then finds a mobile phone which turns on at her touch.

Voice Message
The secret lies with Charlotte.
Janice
What? (the phone goes dead. Bewildered, Janice walks back out with the briefcase.)

INT. BAR

Bartender
So, darlin', what can I do you for?

Janice looks at the Bartender's name tag, which just happens to read "Charlotte"

Janice
Um...excuse me, are you Charlotte?
Charlotte
It says that on my name tag, don't it? And by the way, that's a really crappy phone. If it were my sister owning that, I'd track her down and kill her.
Janice
Look, that's really funny, but...
Charlotte
I'm serious. I'm a real good tracker too. Sometimes the scent gets lost with all the alcohol and blaring music, but I always find her in the end....
Janice
Yeah, that really cute, but what does-

Charlotte snatches Janice's phone and smashes it into pieces with a mallet. Somewhere outside, a SWAT agent yells "Goddamit!"

Janice
Oh...oh thank you. Anything else I should know about?
Charlotte
I hear there's Nazi gold hidden in VAT 84.

Quick to understand the reference, Janice tips Charlotte and leaves the bar. She then quietly makes her way to the cellars, and spots a bottle of VAT 84.

Janice
Hmm... (she lifts up the bottle and is just about to leave with it when she spots a USB flash drive. She then reads the instructions printed on it.)
Instructions
Nobody cares about the laptops!

Janice's gaze shifts over to a leather bag labeled with a monogram that reads "nobody cares". She unzips the bag to find a laptop inside. She turns on the laptop and plugs in the drive. A video message featuring her begins to play.

Message
Agent Clarice, if you're watching this, you've probably turned into a shitty music producer named Janice who used to live a nondescript life before somehow getting too close to the truth, and now people are trying to kill you. BURN!