UnNews:Women takes ages to get ready, says slightly musty man

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Saturday, February 4, 2017

Jacobs, seen smelling slightly yesterday.
According to sources, a cartoon version of Jacobs would not be drawn with this many stinklines, but maybe one or two would be appropriate.

A man has launched into a good-natured but apparently unironic rant in which he bemoans how long his partner takes to get ready - seemingly unaware that he emits a slightly musty stench.

Terry Jacobs, 27, told colleagues: "Look, I love my girlfriend but Jesus, she takes ages getting ready. When we caught the plane home at Christmas, I swear she woke up at 7.30 for a 2pm flight, and even then we just about made it! I was ready in thirty minutes flat, and I ended up waiting around for her as usual, even though she got up like three hours before me. Women, eh?"

Jacobs, who did not notice the slightly raised eyebrows among his colleagues, who often comment and occasionally complain about his whiff behind his back, continued: "And all the bottles of creams and lotions and who knows what else she has! I tell you, our bathroom is about 95% her. I have literally a bottle of shower gel, and a bottle of shampoo - and I suppose I share with her anyway - and that's it."

The human resources manager (who doesn't exactly stink, but, if your jeans smelt like he does, you would put them in the washing machine) was somewhat disappointed that he did not receive more vociferous support from his colleagues, who were silently reflecting on whether there might be a subtle way to get him to bathe, really give himself a good scrub, and either burn or boil the contents of his wardrobe.

Jacobs' girlfriend, who asked not to be named, told UnNews: "I do love him. I just think that because he has a partner, he assumes his personal hygiene must be acceptable."

She began to break down and added: "Sometimes I rub body lotion on him while he sleeps, otherwise the funk is too much for me under the bedclothes, and it kind of keeps me awake."

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