UnNews:UK Schools Secretary is Ed Balls

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11 September 2007

Balls!

London, United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, the Glorious British Empire, God save the Queen - In a public announcement about faith-based schools, it became clear to people who weren't otherwise paying attention that the name of the Schools Secretary for Her Majesty's Government is Ed Balls MP.

The name of the Schools Secretary has completely overshadowed the issue he was talking about, which to be honest, nobody really cares about anyway. But a man named Balls? That's far more interesting. Across the country, people stopped and thought "Balls? Is he really called Balls?"

You've got to feel sorry for the man. He must've been mocked and ridiculed at school. I can just see it now, gangs of children pointing at little Ed, chanting "Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls!". I bet when he finished sports, and was in the shower, everyone would point at his crotch and scream "Balls!". It is no wonder, then, that this man has risen to a position of some importance in the world of education, the better to wreak his vengeance upon an institution which allowed his silly name to be taunted in such a manner.

Frankly, I blame his parents. Would you allow YOUR child to bear the unfortunate name "Balls"? They could have changed their own name, or had the decency to have no children. But no, they selfishly inflicted their own silly name on a poor, defenseless child.

Nobody knows if there are other people buried somewhere deep in the government with equally silly names. However, one thing is clear. If you pay tax in the UK, a portion of YOUR tax money is going to a man named Balls.

Sources[edit]

  • Balls! "Balls!". Balls!, September 11, 2007