UnNews:Treacherous lies and slander from the Ron Paul base! Fear not, America is not yet dead, for a brave new silver knight will come forth in a flourish of Angels to save us from these desperate times! Hark, of course I refer to the one and only Mike Gravel!

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24 March 2008

Get well acquainted with this face, for it will be the last one you shall ever see.

Vile and misguided Ron Paul supporters! This race is far from over!

Your so-called "methodical" and "surgical" strikes against your rival candidates was cunning, but not nearly effective enough! There was one giant flaw in your plan, you see. You forgot to eliminate the most dangerous and obscure of rivals, the honorable Mike Gravel. And now, because of this error in your ways, a swift and destructive retribution will be heading your way, express delivered straight from the fists of Mike Gravel!

Your time has come Ron Paul supporters of America! Yeah, I called it America. What are you going to do about it? HUH?

Yeah, that's right. Nothing. Exactly.

Gravel and his brigade of ten thousand fearless supporters will be marching forward to the Continental United States (there, I said it again!) imminently, as said in his YouTube manifesto. We're going to Montana! We're going to Iowa! We're going to New Hampshire and South Carolina! Then we're going to New York and Pennsylvania, and then we're going to Washington D.C. and we're gonna take back the White House! Pyaaaaahh!!

Choose your next press releases wisely, Ron Paul, they may be your last. The destructive force of the Graveltrain is on the move, and it's coming to plow you the fuck over. Luke Stromboli, your one and only (since Mike can only afford to keep one of us on the payroll) on-the-scene reporter for Mike Gravel news and carnage reports, signing out.