UnNews:Science confirms: Love is, in fact, a battlefield
14 April 2007
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AUCKLAND, New Zealand -- For years, the signs have been more than apparent: soaring divorce rates, increased instances of infidelity, astronomical sales figures for combat boots and high-powered firearms...
For various reasons, these signs have been cast aside and altogether ignored. Ignored that is, until now. One brave group of scientists in New Zealand's largest city claim to have conclusive evidence that will forever alter our inherent perceptions of modern love. Enjoyable? Pleasing? No. Now, science has uncovered the whole truth: that love, in its many forms and definitions, is in fact a raging field of all-out warfare.
Dr. Marvin Feathercap, a professor and scholar in the fields of both physics and anatomy, led a team of eight equally-qualified scientists through a treacherous six-month experiment to quantify and synthesize over twelve-hundred pages of notes chronicling love's correlation to combat. The research team also included Dr. John Livtor, a biologist, Dr. William Barning, a German (and accomplished chemist), and Doug McGinty, a self-proclaimed "Doctor of Love." These men, their five colleagues, and countless hours of live observations and controlled conditions yielded The Auckland Paper -- the now ground-breaking report that has certain companies very concerned.
"They're doing this on purpose you know, trying to ruin us..." says Albert James Raldolph, golf enthusiast and spokesman for the Hallmark Corporation. Making good on their warnings, the company has already began filing preliminary injunctions, attempting to suppress the Auckland Paper. Hallmark, most famous for the inventing of St. Valentine's Day, claims that the Auckland group has fabricated their findings in several areas of their research:
"This so-called "paper" claims that their test subjects were young, and suffering from heartache to heartache. How can anyone get accurate readings under such conditions? No promises, no demands? What are these idiots talking about?!"
Dr. Feathercap stands by his conclusions. "I don't think Mr. Radolph understands that the experiment was designed to observe love in its natural, turbulent state. Mr. Randolph and his company both seem to prefer love of the fairytale variety. We are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong."
Legal proceedings begin May 4th.