UnNews:SAS to use Counter-Strike as training tool
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
28 February 2007
The SAS have today announced plans to utilize the popular on-line FPS Counter-Strike as a training tool for their new recruits. Following in the footsteps of the US Military who have previously used games such as Full Spectrum Warrior to sharpen up their armed forces, each new recruit to the SAS will receive a free copy of Counter-Strike and be ordered to spend at least five hours a day on its servers. Speaking earlier today, the Chief of the MOD was quoted as saying "Personally, I think it's an excellent idea. This new initiative will toughen up our hardest troops and encourage hundreds of kids who'd never even considered the armed forces as a career to sign up. Counter-Strike is the height of realism in today's gaming market, and is the closest thing you can get to real-world combat situations without actually being there. It will do the SAS the world of good.
Trials of the initiative commenced earlier this year, with many hundreds of eager new recruits signing up. However, concerns have already been voiced by several prominent Armed Forces officials about the effectiveness of the training the game provides. "What I saw from one batch of new recruits was simply bizarre," said General E.Prudish, in charge of a training exercise of one of the early trials. "They were hopping up and down like crazed rabbits on heat and chucking flash bangs all over the place, barely looking bothered about where they landed." "Seriously, what kind of idiot jumps around corners with a sniper rifle?" commented another bemused officer. "I tried to inform them that the sniper rifle was a ranged weapon only suitable for use in moderately fortified positions, but all I got in reply to that was OMG STFU CAMPER FAG! and various other nonsense. Where's the respect in today's armed forces, I ask you?" In a hostage situation training exercise, several of the recruits attempted to intimidate the hostage-takers with constant cries of "GAY n00b!", "homo" and "LOL GAY FAG", much to the astonishment of their supervisor. One young participant, when asked why he was charging at a fortified position high on a hilltop armed only with a knife, replied "LOL n00b don't u know u run faster with a knife?"
In one tragic incident, a member of an SAS team deployed to a government building on a security alert inexplicably turned his H&K MP5 on his four fellow team mates and gunned them down, reportedly grinning like an idiot as he did so. When asked by the press to comment on the actions of his soldier, his commanding officer replied "Oh, that dumb TKer - well, we get them from time to time. Not a lot you can do about those."
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