UnNews:Raccoon triggers Transformer explosion, may be a Decepticon

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This column is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-eyeblink misinformation. And by "misinformation", we mean "the truth."

THE MANAGEMENT

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By Optimus Prime
Guest contributor

Thursday, December 21, 2017

RIO RANCHO, N.M. -- The recent attack on the city of Rio Rancho, New Mexico, Earth, that caused one of our own to explode is confirmed to have been caused by a raccoon. But not just any raccoon. This little "critter," as you humans call it, may very well be a Decepticon.

The raccoon that caused a Transformer explosion may be a Decepticon.

As you may know from our toys, cartoons, and mind-numbing Michael Bay shitfests, Decepticons are the enemy of Autobots and of mankind. But these works of fiction are only half the story. They are the second greatest threat to mankind. You may already know the biggest.

They can take the form of automobiles, electronic devices, television sets, cell phones, a turd that somebody forgot to flush, and yes, a seemingly innocent creature such as a raccoon.

We Autobots asks you humans to be vigilant in detecting these kinds of objects and lifeforms. They may appear inconspicuous at first, but try to look for anything "off" about their appearance of behavior.

You may be unaware of what happened on December 13, 2017 A.D., so allow me to reiterate. A raccoon was frolicking in the front yard of Bob Simmons of Rio Rancho, New Mexico, Earth. Simmons woke up, grabbed his flashlight, and appeared outside within five minute and sixteen seconds. He yelled at the creature, "Hey, you damn raccoon! Get the hell out of my damn bushes!"

Patricia Gomez of Rio Rancho, New Mexico, Earth, got a jolting front row seat to Wednesday night, December 13's, major Transformer explosion near Iris and Paseo del Volcan in Rio Rancho. She lives right next door.

Things escalated from there, leading to an all-out battle on the city streets. You couldn't even see the rock in the sky that you humans call the moon.

We will remember Charlie greatly. He wasn't a Decepticon for long, but he was cheap and didn't complain about working overtime nor did he ever ask for a raise.

So, the next time you see a raccoon, beware. Carry on, Earth citizen.

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