UnNews:Planet Earth mocks Iran by invading Uranus

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11 May 2006

BEIJING -- China simulaneously laughs-its-ass-off causing everyone in Japan to jump, after hearing about Iran's pipe dreams of World domination, "Everybody knows New Zealand is going to take all your base in the final battle!"

PARIS -- French people were seen snorting all day long after reading all the Iran news headlines. "Ususally, only French people laugh at Jerry Lewis movies", which has surprised Russian headcheese Putin.

NEW YORK -- World famous playright, oscar nominee, and Pullitzer prize winner Steven Wright publisher writes 400 page "one-liner" joke book centered on Iran. One New Yorker was quoted as, "Its about time! Steven Wright for President!"

BRASILIA -- Iran who? Iran where?

G8 SUMMIT -- Today a special G8 Summit was rectified to deal with the constant horse-shit coming from an over opium-drug-induced state currently called Iran and to discuss the possible invasion of Uranus. US President Bush will host.

edit Getting to know Uranus

Prez. Bush: First of all, all y'all other countries are invited to our little party here, nit just us rich bastards. Oh um, except Iraq, Iran, and North Korea--y'all suck.

Prez. Bush: My first comment is directed to the Viceroy of South Africa... I thought Uranus was a planet...you eat too many donuts or sumpthin?

Viceroy Smith: Ha-ha-ha, funny one, my wife's cooking is outta this world, but I notice that it looks like you have al-Qaeda shoved in Uranus.

Prez. Bush: That's quite possibly true, they've been a pain in my ass for long enough. But my new CIA director, Red Foreman, doesn't want me to reveal too much.

Putin: If I may interject, our scientists believe that due to the poisonous gases that exist, man can not survive anywhere near Uranus.

Prez. Bush: ...so wuts yer point...

BP minister Tony Blair: According to our scientist, Ben Dover, Uranus won't prove to be more difficult than deep sea diving.

UnNews G8 Press rep: Since Uranus is so far away, how do you expect to feed an army on that kind of mission?

Prez. Bush: When we send troops to Uranus, I'm sure some will want some tossed salad. My wife intends to pack fudge for each and every one of em.

Shock Jock Shirack: Oui-oui, but your own NASA released a news statement saying there will never be a mission to Uranus. It is far too dangerous, due in part to the crushing gravity of the black hole located in the heart of it, and it's crappy terrain.

Prez. Bush: naw y'all guess what...NASA is UnNews...he-he-he

Putin: We have information that Uranus boasts a large population of Klingons.

Shirack: No no no, I wipe every time...oh excuse please...my cell phone.

Prez. Bush: Yeah, thats not true, we used the Very Large Telescope at Paranal, Chile to verify that gerbils inhabit Uranus.

PM Germany: Ja ja, Uranus was first discovered by using a telescope.

PM Mexico: Since we are the originators of Montezuma's Revenge, we have much experience with Uranus, and would like to contribute whenever possible.

Prez. Bush: Great, keep them bean burritos comin...

Al Gore: Enough about Uranus, how about Iran?

Prez. Bush: ...heh heh then I kicked yer ass...wake up intraweb inventor


The G8 summit is expected to continue for several weeks. The next major topic will be "Iran to Uranus".

edit Sources

  • "Yuri" of the former KGB
  • Disassociated Press
  • FoxNews (probably but unverified)