UnNews:Pentagon revives nose art

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11 February 2007

Blonde Dynamite

WASHINGTON, D. C. - Pentagon spokesman Major General Bernard (“Beans”) Broccoli told reporters that the U. S. military--especially the Air Force--will be authorized to decorate the noses of their aircraft with pinup girls, the way their World War II and Korean War comrades did. Despite the concerns of female warriors that such art is “sexist” and “demeaning to women,” the Joint Chiefs of Staff (JCS) recommended that it be allowed again on a voluntary basis. “We need to remind our fighting men that they are men,” JCS Chairman Peter Pace (USMC) said. “We also need to remind them of what they left back home--of what they’re fighting for.”

Normally, regulations prevent servicemen from “defacing” aircraft or other government property, including themselves. Tattooing remains “off limits,” Broccoli reported, “but the nose art sanction has been lifted, and, as far as content, the sky’s the limit.”

Although the noses of some jet fighters have been painted as if they were the jaws of sharks, unit mascots, or military emblems, the vast majority feature scantily clad women, proving, Chairman Pace said, “that our men and women in uniform are red-blooded American boys.”

Honest Abe

An enterprising airman has photographed many of the military’s artworks and plans to publish the pictures in a book to be called High-flying Cheesecake: Your Tax Dollar$ at Work once he has served out his enlistment and is a civilian again. “The pictures would make a Marine Corps drill instructor blush,” the airman told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. Pamela Anderson has nothing on the girls our guys have depicted.” The captions that accompany some of the paintings are also risqué, he said, which will increase the market and price for his book.

Meanwhile, according to military sources, which are not always the most trustworthy, Unnews has found, the enlistments of women, Ellen Degeneres and Rosie O’Donnell among them, has increased sharply. “Apparently, it’s not just our flyboys who appreciate beautiful women,” Chairman Pace said.