UnNews:Mars rover proves poop rolls downhill
12 April 2006
Los Angeles, CA The Mars rover Spririt has performed the first experiment in a series dubbed "Constant Comment", designed to prove that certain physical constants are the same everywhere in the universe. "We believe they're [physical constants] universal, which is why we call them "Universal Constants", rover chief scientist Steve Squyres told New Scientist, who told UnNews in an interview this morning. "It's been rough going, but I think we're finally seeing the first in a long series of proofs." He did not care to elaborate further, citing trouble with "the pipe".
The so-called Shit Rolls Downhill Constant (SRD) was shown to operate on Mars and Earth in exactly the same way, only with less gravity. The tendency of feces, when placed on a hill, to roll downhill, has been accepted by science as fact for centuries. Galileo discovered the principle in 1604 due to a fortunate accident. Initially the great experimental scientist had been testing the idea that the force of acceleration due to gravity was the same for any mass. His assistant, Giovanni van Wraak-diMario had been sitting on the wall surrounding the top level of the Tower of Pisa when he experienced a sudden burst of explosive diarrhea. Giovanni's mentor noticed that the fecal matter flowed down the side of the tower, and remarked, "Amazing! Shit runs downhill". A phrase had been coined.
Isaac Newton, an enthusiastic supporter of gravity, mistranslated the term more to one familiar to today's Americans, "shit rolls downhill". Noted cosmologist Stephen Hawking is excited about this first of many proofs to come. "I knew in my heart that shit was ultimately connected to gravity, but being able to watch it proven on another world is fantastic".
The payload for this mission nearly didn't make it to Mars. Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, known as "The Hammer" for his enforcement of Republican party policy and his tool of trade as an debt-collector for Washington bookies, campaigned to replace the two turds required for this experiment with, "something that will support Intelligent Design." In the end, Congress compared Creationism with crap, and crap won the day.
- Professor Steven Seagal, Ph.D., rocket scientist "The Poop On Mars" New Scientist - an online publication which promotes pseudo-science in the guise of legitimate scientific research and theories., April 12, 2006