UnNews:Local boy helps team win championship game

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5 March 2013

Tommy surrounded by his excited teammates, seconds before the crowd stormed the court, and decades before crippling Alzheimer's Disease caused unimaginable grief for his wife and children.

MADISON, WISCONSIN - A local 10-year-old boy sank an incredible three-quarter-length miracle of a shot to win the league championship for his team today, a game he is sure to never forget until advancing Alzheimer's Disease systematically destroys every fleeting memory that it ever existed.

With the Plantsville Night Riders down 2 to the Madison Woodworms with only 5 seconds remaining and taking the ball out under their own basket, Tommy Wisseau received the inbound pass, took 2 dribbles, and heaved a formless shot with all the strength in his prepubescent body towards the basket. Nothing but net. The crowd swarmed Tommy following the shot, and lifted him up in celebration. The joy Tommy felt at this moment could only be equaled by the confusion he will feel when told about the game later in life, his advanced dementia having caused him to have no recollection of a single second of this event.

"I'd probably put this up there with my marriage and how to poop in a toilet on the list of things that will be most heart-breaking to my friends and family when I forget them," an ecstatic Tommy told this reporter after the trophy ceremony. "My Nanna and sister Lizzie couldn't be here because she had a ballet recital today. She'll never believe this when I tell her about it!" After pausing for a moment, Tommy added with a laugh, "But then again the tables will be turned in about 60 years when she'll try to tell me about this happening, and I'll get angry and confused about not recognizing the story, or the person telling it." Tommy nodded slowly. "It was a great game!"

The Woodworms left the ceremony disappointed in their loss, but secure in the fact that at least no one on their team would forget that the game and everyone involved ever existed. Woodworm coach Jerry Willis tried to put the loss into perspective.

"I told the kids when we walked off that you win some, and you lose some. Sure, we lost the game on a crazy lucky shot, but this loss will make us stronger, where their win will only be one part of the 20,000-piece puzzle of sadness that will slowly break itself apart and leave large swathes of blank space until all that is left is a vast emptiness surrounded by loosely formed outside edges." Jerry let out a deep sigh. " But still... This loss does hurt."

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