UnNews:IPwn release meets no interest at all

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30 June 2007

This man was not queuing and never will, as no-one cared

The new phone is launched to a completely oblivious audience[edit]

iPwn, the new smart phone from megalomaniacal indie techie, Steve Jobs, was released the other day in America. Fans of Apple were not interested, as weren't everyone else. There were not queues stretching the length of a blue whale with a roll of toilet tissue attached to it's tail, and there were no sales of the phone at all. The iPwn offers a 1.3 inch touch screen and music playing capabilities similar to those of any other phone.

The Steve Jobs says the phone is targeted at the emerging market of multimillionaires who made their fortunes exploiting a loophole in World of Warcraft and selling replicated swords and helmets for real-world money. The iPwn costs $3999 for the base model, which has no screen or features, or £12799 for the superior "l33t" model that allows the user to make phone calls, take photos, and look at a map on the internet. Users must sell their soul to Satan with a contract of at least one damnation a month.Other suspected monthly requirements are periods, for female users, although few of these fall into the target audience.

The device is to go on sale in Britain next year, under the new name "iPun", supposedly to appeal to the dry wit of those who will be buying them, who are also likely to have made a pun about the iWhatever pattern of Apple merchandise. Follow-up devices are expected, including several add-ons that will cost about an arm and a leg and will allow the iPwn to be a torch, an enchanted daedric helm or even a paperweight. The device has no virtual memory and virtually no memory, but this can be expanded through addition of a memory implant.

Steve Jobs said: "I don't care that no-one cares about it now, for soon all will dissent from the mind control of Microsoft, and come and be cool independent people with underpowered yet pretty devices, with gimmicky features."

Sources[edit]

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