UnNews:Hunchback of Notre Dame kills self

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22 May 2013

The Hunchback in happier times.

The infamous Hunchback of Notre Dame brought his life to a bloody end yesterday, killing himself in Paris' most famous cathedral in an apparent attempt to protest against new laws allowing gay marriage in France.

The Hunchback, real name Geoffrey Winterbottom, had worked at the cathedral as a bell ringer for 40 years, and was described by locals as a colourful if reclusive character. "'e was a little bit strange, quoi," said a man in a blue and white striped shirt wearing a beret, "but we nezer expected 'im to do somezing like zis."

What Winterbottom did was to walk into the main entrance of the cathedral, which was thronged as usual with hundreds of tourists, and kill himself with a sawn-off shot gun. Horrified witnesses rushed to aim him, but the wound was fatal.

"Ze bullet went in through ze nose, and out of ze 'ump. Zere was blood everywhere," a rather kittenish local femme told us over a strong black coffee and a decadent slice of quatre quarts. "It is times like zis when you appreciate zat we need to live. To live and to love!" This correspondent was just about to sneak off to get the bill and a French letter when the girl's fiancée arrived.

Ironically, as we watched the lesbian couple leave, police released information regarding the note found at Winterbottom's side. What had appeared to be the act of a lonely, freakish bell-ringer took on a sinister, political bent, as it was revealed that the suicide was apparently politically motivated, as a protest against the recently passed gay marriage act.

Far right politician Marine Le Pen welcomed the act, "Zis is just what France needs. The only way we can stop ze gays marrying each ozzer is if all ze heterosexual people kill zemself," adding, after a question from a bemused reporter, "What do you mean zat doesn't make sense?"

International gay spokesman Sassy McMurphy told us in his loud, lisping voice, "Honey, I wouldn't know what a hunchback was if I rolled on top of one. When you say humpback, all I think of is that if I hump you, you hump back, and that's it sugar."