UnNews:Horoscopes - 7th June
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Tuesday, June 7, 2016
- Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - Sometimes you don’t know where you end and she begins, but that’s normal for siamese twins.
- Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - This week your sex life starts to get really weird. About time.
- Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - When Jehovah’s Witnesses come calling this week, explain you are on Jehovah’s Jury, and you are not allowed any contact with them.
- Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - You learn the important difference between crazy-ass play and crazy ass-play.
- Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - You get a promotion at work which means you have far less free time and far less energy to do anything. Celebration time!
- Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - To mark the death of Muhammad Ali, you reflect on the fact that although white people are scared of violent black men, they seem to really like the ones who are best at punching.
- Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) Try to find older people attractive, it will lead to martial happiness. Bear in mind your parter will be young for a bit, and then old for fucking ages.
- Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - A professional challenge this week as you are asked to describe your boss during your exit interview, but without using the c-word.
- Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - You find yourself sympathising with Bran from Game of Thrones because you too spent your adolescence with your eyes rolled up inside your head while you had mysterious visions.
- Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Once upon a time you had ambitions to be a great person. Now you are relieved when you read about domestic murders, because at least you are not as bad as ‘’those’’ guys.
- Aries (March 21 - April 20) - This week augurs well for romance, and as the stars align, you meet someone who will lick your genitals in the future.
- Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - You have flashbacks to Vietnam all week - that time Munroe shot up the whole village and wore their ears as a necklace. Weirdest gap year ever.
