4 July 2006
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MUNICH, Lichtenstein -- In recent weeks, Adolf Hitler has been vogueing for the tabloids, promoting a comeback, this time as the true King of Pop music. Despite his efforts to remake himself, he hasn't been able to create a big enough niche in today’s music culture. In May, Hitler signed on to Das Kapitol Records, recording such bubblegum tunes as "H8r Hosen", "Blue Genes" and "The Hans Holocauster".
“America is just not ready”, says Richard Coleman, the director of Musicology at the University of Bellingham, Washington, “Its not like I don’t know any bigots here, its just that they are caught up with protecting the border from those damned, funny-talking Canadians and don’t have time for teeny-bopper hate music. If Hitler is planning on making big bucks he is going to have to wait until we get this infestation under control.”
The spokesperson from Das Kapitol records declined to comment, but Hitler’s manager, Don Peterson, had a few words for the press “I don’t know what I was thinking! I mean, I thought I had all the variables under control, but who could have guessed that teenaged Neo-fascists would enlist in the stuggle to control our borders? I mean, they're our target demographic. Jesus, we're going down the shitter on this one.”
With nobody around to defend his music, Hitler is taking a huge blow from the liberal media. John Kerry has been touring the nation, warning that burning Jews could worsen Global Warming, and is working on film to touch the hearts and minds of the masses. Even Thom Robb, the current leader of the Ku Klux Klan, denounced Hitler’s new sound as, “of the quality of my granddaddy’s moonshine.” Many music market analysts agree, and don't believe the time will never be right for Hitler return to the spotlight.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
- Karl MarXIV "Das Kapitol and the New Genderation" MTV, May 14, 2003
- Various Authors "Hilter" Uncyclopedia, 27 June 2006