UnNews:Heavily bearded relative feels snubbed at party

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25 December 2012

Jeremy Newman's beard had grown 3 inches in the last year.

Jeremy Newman, a 71 year old grandfather, was reported as feeling redundant and rejected after no one in his family asked him to dress as Father Christmas, despite the fact that he is clearly the owner of a prodigious beard.

Newman told us: "I've always had a beard, pretty much since I could grow one, but I have usually kept it short. Then in January, I decided to let it grow out, and I have to say, even then I had one eye on participating more at Christmas.

"It's really disappointing that nobody, not one of them shits [nodding to family] ever said, 'Hey Dad, you look really Christmassy! Would you mind putting on this red suit and giving Josh and Kelly [his grandchildren] their Christmas presents?' But no, it's all, 'Would you like some more turkey, Jeremy?' or, 'Grandad, do you want some Cava?' They are a bunch of felch merchants."

Newman's daughter-in-law Sally whispered to us as she opened a bottle of red in the kitchen: "God, I'm so happy it's only one day a year. He's such a miserable bastard. He's been tugging at his bloody beard for the last three months, wearing nothing but red wooly jumpers, as if we were too thick to get the message. What he doesn't seem to understand is: our kids are scared of him. We have to bribe them with chocolate to even stay on the same floor as him."

Psychologist Joanna Corey told us: "When you see old men with big white beards dressed up as Santa and doing that stupid voice in shopping centres and supermarkets, you might think of them as being really pathetic. But just imagine being an old man with a white beard and not being asked to dress up as Santa. Those are the really sad guys."