UnNews:End of the World is nigh, say scientists
12 October 2006
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In a shock discovery by a team of European anthropologists, it was yesterday revealed that the world will end on the 31st of October 2006, also known as Halloween.
Fundamental Christians (the people you see standing outside the Tube holding sandwich boards) the world over are reported to be at best gleeful at this revelation, with the Jehovah's Witnesses even going as far as to issue a public statement. "I told you so" noted one regular door-to-door preacher, before jubilantly showering our reporter with pamphlets and disappearing off into the night.
The Church of England has urged British sinners to convert to Christianity without further delay, and is advising regular self-flagellation and the kissing of the feet of Jesus statues. "If you could clean out the chapel toilets, I'm sure that wouldn't go amiss either" added a local vicar.
The cause of the impending tragedy is thought to be the practice of "trick-or-treat", popular among infant sinners on the night of All Hallows for generations. For reasons unknown, the magnetic properties of the pointy hats on Halloween 'witch' costumes appear to have caused a blip in the Earth's orbit, resulting in rapid cooling as the planet rockets temporarily off into outer space. "We are heading for the next ice age" a slightly panicked geologist informed me. "It will destroy all human life on Earth."
A hysterical scientist told UnNews that he "never realised" the abysmal wrongness innate in this evil idea, and "deeply regretted" ever partaking in it. "I still have nightmares about those sweets and chocolates" he added, before bursting into sobs.
He vacated the building hurriedly, muttering something about pumpkins.
- "The End is Nigh - Almost." Sky News, October 12, 2006
- Pastor B. Atfuck Insane "The End Times Calendar." Psycopathic Lord Praising Quarterly, October 12, 2006
- The Baby-Eating Bishop Of Bath And Wells "My Last Supper." Oxford Cider Press, October 12, 2006