UnNews:Elmo doll on the run after threatening child

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22 February 2008

Sesame Street, NY-- An arrest warrant was issued yesterday after an Elmo doll threatened a child bodily harm and then quickly escaped before authorities could respond.

A typical Elmo after committing a crime.

This story comes as no surprise to many in the law enforcement community. Officer A. Nel told UnNews in an exclusive interview that occurrences like these are becoming unsettlingly common.

"These...these Elmo dolls," he begins, spitting contemptuously, "have never faced consequences for their actions, so they run rampant. Rape, murder, theft...nothing is below them."

Indeed, Elmo dolls have replaced brown babies as America's greatest threat, according to a recent survey. Based mostly in the Sesame Street area in the Bronx, Elmo dolls are victims, some say, of socio-economic circumstances that are just plain skewed against them.

"They grow up in these...shanties, I won't call them homes," Big Bird, an esteemed doctor from the Bronx, tells UnNews. "And their role models are living in trash cans, unable to spell simple words without input from dozens of children....they're really victims of circumstance."

Authorities warn that this particular Elmo doll is particularly dangerous, and is likely hiding somewhere in the Bronx.