UnNews:Elizabeth Warren destroys the universe
“Funny. She doesn't look Jewish.”
12 May 2012
Massachusetts, The Macrocosm -- This past month Republican Senator of Massachusetts' Scott Brown criticized election opponent Elizabeth Warren for claims of Native American heritage. While one might assume that this less a noteworthy story than an election year news filler bollocks, it is, in fact, the End of the World As We Know It™.
Oklahoma-native Elizabeth Warren caused a small controversy due to claims of being a Native American. During her time at Harvard, she was registered as a "minority professor". Republican critics gawked, saying she manufactured a minority status as an act of affirmative action in order to to advance her career.
Warren's evidence was the fact that her great-great-great grandmother, O.C. Sarah Smith, was listed as "Cherokee" in an obscure document from the 1890s. Thus, Elizabeth Warren would officially be 1/32 Native American if true - technically the same amount of the current chief of the Cherokee tribe.
Calling stories of tribal heritage an old family tradition, Warren stated, "I am proud of my Native American heritage." She further used her PawPaw's high cheek bones as evidence of a Native American bloodline.
Upon hearing this story, Scott Brown immediately called "bullshit" and demanded a birth certificate.
Oops! Wrong controversy. Backing up... *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* Brown demanded verification, his own allusion to "tits or gtfo".
Upon investigation by the New England Historic Genealogical Society, it turns out O.C. Sarah Smith was most likely white, which would make Warren's bloodline fraction now 0/32. Further information on her great-great-great grandfather, Jonathan Crawford, is even more damning. Paul Reed of the American Genealogical Society discovered that Crawford served in a militia unit that took part in the Trail of Tears round-up of American Indians. Reed assumes that this act placed a curse on Warren's family line, since most anthropologists believe the Native Americans were magic.
While a curse could hurt Warren's chances in the upcoming Senate election, it gets worse: This act of cosmic irony has reversed her fraction of Indian blood from 0/32 to 32/0 - a mathematical impossibility resulting in a paradox. Adding the aforementioned curse to the division by zero has created a hole within the very fabric of the universe. Astrophysicists studying the hole have recorded growth, and expect it to engulf Massachusetts and the rest of the United States by November 6th, the planet and the Milky Way Galaxy on December 21st, and, finally, the entire universe by 2013.
Of all the experts questioned - astrophysicists, cosmologists, shamans and political scientists - not one has yet to come up with a remedy for the hole, making doom seemingly inevitable. When given the news about the hole in the fabric of the universe, Stephen Hawking reportedly soiled himself. (Of course, he's always doing that.)
Upon facing the destruction of existence, the one question on many minds are: Why must white man destroy Mother Universe?
- Hillary Chabot "Warren: I used minority status to share heritage." The Boston Herald, May 2, 2012
- Hillary Chabot "Elizabeth Warren brushes off ‘Trail of Tears’ report." The Boston Herald, May 9, 2012