UnNews:Confused voter votes for Proposal 2 for Governor, Waffle for House

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

7 November 2006

HELL, MI (UnNews) - The first person to vote in America was a 66.6 year old man from the town of Hell, Michigan. However, this man became famous tonight for much more than being the first person to vote in America - he became famous for messing up when voting so badly that millions nationwide have already watched a video of his comic attempt at voting on YouTube.

To begin, when voting for Governor, he asked "What the heck is a Dick DeVos? a Jennifer Granholm? I thought Proposal 2 was running for Governor?" He then proceeded to write in Proposal 2 for Governor, as he could not find it on the ballot. When he came to voting for Senate, he yelled loudly "SENATE! THERE"S A SENATE! I THOUGHT THAT WAS AN OLD ROMAN THING!". After being assured that yes, indeed there was a Senate, he voted for the Communist candidate, as "he wanted the Commies to destroy those Romans". When he came to voting for House, he wrote in "Waffle", as he "wanted to get Waffle House in Michigan". He then was utterly confounded by the existence of State House and State Senate, and did not vote on those as he said "they must be to the regular House and Senate what Michigan State is to Michigan - thus, they suck badly and lose to Illinois.

When it came time to vote for Secretary of State, he wrote in "less waits" as that was what he wanted from the Secretary of State (especially after having to wait 3 hours to get his drivers license renewed). For Attorney General, he wrote in "none" as "we don't need any more attorneys". After this, he voted for the State Board of Education, where he picked all the Green Party candidates because he "wanted to see some green in our schools". For the University of Michigan Board of Regents, he then voted for all the candidates with last names that were colors, for no reason whatsoever. He then didn't vote for any of the other university boards, citing those universities "absence from the BCS picture".

When it came time to vote for judges is when the most interesting thing happened. He voted for Judge Dredd as a write-in, as well as every TV judge he could think of off the top of his head. When somebody asked him why he did this, he responded that he knew much more about Judge Judy than the people on the ballot.

When voting on the ballot proposals, he did not know that there were five ballot proposals. He in fact thought that Proposals 1-5 were all components of the *same proposal*. Thus, after reading it, he launched into a tirade at poll officials regarding "what a joke having a proposal to establish a Constitutional trust fund for banning affirmative action that gives preference to dove hunters who have their property seized by eminent domain to provide for annual increases in education funding". When election officials tried to explain that they were each separate proposals, the man responded "I KNOW you're wrong! I heard the radio ad about this affirmative action for dove hunters proposal just the other day! He then proceeded to vote No on everything, stating "I LIKE affirmative action that gives preference to dove hunters!"

When he finally finished voting, the Diebold machine exploded, resulting in Democrats partying in the streets. However, the man was furious, threatening to take the county to court if "his vote for Judge Dredd wasn't counted".

Sources

• "Yuri" of the former KGB