UnNews:Canada allows export of seal products to China

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14 February 2011

Let the bashing begin!

OTTAWA, Canada -- On Saturday, 12 February, the Canadian government lifted restrictions on the export of seal pellets and other seal-related stuff to China, in a desperate bid to establish some sort of business relationship with China and save its defunct and declining "sealing" industry.

According to fisheries minister Gail Shea, who was responsible for lifting said restrictions, this was done in order to "Preserve the legacy of the seal hunt, whose fate lies in the hands of our seal-hunting industry which ensures that we make at least some sort of profit from all the....erm...harvesting of seal carcasses."

The government has argued that preserving the seal-clubbing tradition of the nation is essential for protecting Native tribes such as the Inuit, who seemingly survive on seal-hunting.

Needless to say, environmentalists have dismissed all of the government's arguments. "They're endorsing clubbing of cute baby seals! You know what that means! That means bashing them on the heads! And then dragging their bleeding bodies across the ice! And listening to their dying cries and not giving a damn! And [Insert more graphic descriptions of seal-clubbing here]!" said an animal rights activist.

A half-Canadian actress who has a soft spot for animal rights posted this on Twitter "This makes me ashamed to be half-Canadian. These people should be clubbed & skinned & see how it feels! #APPALLING!". She was promptly bombarded with hate mail from patriotic Canadians, who suggested that she "Get her head out of her half-Canadian ass."

The Inuit tribe, who's subsistence seal-hunting was cited as a reason for preserving the seal industry, neither know nor care about the commercial seal-hunting activities in Canada. "They sell seal fur? Ew! I'd never wear animal furs! But their meat does taste good." said a fellow Inuit.