UnNews:Bose founder Amar Bose dies; audiophiles rejoice

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14Hz July 2013Hz

Bose CineMate II speaker system.

WAYLAND, Massachusetts -- Dr. Amar G. Bose, founder of Bose Corporation, has died. His age was a number that was within the frequency gap between the speakers and bass module -- 83(Hz).

Bose was notorious and derided by many an audiophile for the company's modus operandi of manufacturing cheap, lousy, shitty speakers for 100 times their actual value. Seriously, $700 for a Bose CineMate consisting of cheap-ass paper drivers enclosed in plastic that resonates like hell? Not to mention the fact that the bass module (not subwoofer) -- with a 5.25-inch driver -- can only go as low as 46Hz, and the main speakers -- with 2.5-inch drivers -- can go no higher than 13kHz! So literally no highs, and literally no lows. On top of that, there's the 80Hz frequency gap I mentioned earlier; a good amount of voices and sound effects get shafted due to this problem. And if you expect surround sound, you're probably one of those idiots who went to see Grown Ups 2 instead of Pacific Rim. No Blu-ray support, no Dolby TrueHD or DTS-HD Master Audio or any of that cool stuff. Just Dolby Digital and PCM. 2.1 channels.

The frequency response of a typical Bose speaker system. Not flat at all; lots of coloration.

Don't let the fact that Dr. Bose graduated from MIT fool you. When he debuted his first speaker, the Bose 901, in 1967, devout audiophiles hated it right away. It was revolutionary -- never before had anyone created a speaker that was so mind-numbingly abominable that audiophiles were frothing at the mouth at such heresy towards accurate sound reproduction and high fidelity. Other than TV manufacturers with their crummy speakers, but on a lesser scale than Bose. What Bose did was ingeniously despicable and unfortunately, the sheep, lemmings, and cretins bought the hype and Bose became an overnight success story.

Bose continued to manufacture crappy products such as the Wave, the CineMate, CineMate II, AcoustiMass, and not once did they attempt to make even one good speaker. All they needed was to hire Herbie Hancock to hawk their shit, and success was guaranteed. Move all of your shitty speakers away from good, audiophile-grade speakers to prevent direct comparisons. Use top-secret equalizers to make your speakers sound "good." Sue the living daylights out of anyone who dares speak the truth about your business practices. Refuse to give out technical specifications -- if that's not a red flag, I don't know what is.

They even attempted to make an alternative to a traditional guitar amp. Please. The thing looked like a fucking lamp with a VCR. Hardly the visual appeal, in this writer's opinion, of a guitarist plugging into a Marshall.

Audiophiles across this large, beautiful planet we call Earth are overjoyed that the Monster's Maker is no longer here to continue to churn out horrible speakers and headphones.

"I mean, may he rest in peace and everything, bless his family and all that," says Chuck Myers, 58, in a warm, pleasant, crystal-clear tone, "but the fact is, I'm glad he won't be making any more godawful shit. Unfortunately, his company still stands, and will continue to do so until people smarten up. Just look at the George Zimmerman trial and the weekend box office, for cryin' out loud!"

"About damn time!" says Katie Hertz, 29, while cupping her mouth so that the sound reaches my ear. "Ironic that he lived 16 times longer than any of his speakers ever will."

"Gdgkdgklghlfglfkdlghklsltiurelgtz," says Bo Zuh, 91, with completely unintelligible diction and no highs or lows in his voice. "Tquwuerutyiouohjgjfjvnbngjgjfdlfdkhlk; glkh; fbzl." It was painful, shrill, and fatiguing to listen to him for even two minutes.

Dr. Bose leaves behind a long legacy of cheaply-made overpriced atrocious garbage. This is not to say, this writer is glad he's dead. All I'm saying is that his speakers are total shit, bottom of the barrel atrocities. It doesn't matter if you're listening to lossy audio from a TV show or DVD, 16-bit/44.1kHz resolution from a CD, or lossless high-resolution audio from a Blu-ray. All garbage, garbage, garbage.

May the man rest in peace, bless his family, etc., but I'm taking my audio endeavors elsewhere. There are many brands out there that would make Bose speakers playing a Blu-ray or FLAC sound like iPod earbuds playing an MP3.

For speakers, consider: Klipsch, Bowers & Wilkins (B&W), Polk, JBL, Paradigm, Boston Acoustics, Definitive Technology, Axiom, Infinity, Aperion, Martin Logan, B&O, PSB, Energy, Onyx, Rocket, RBH, Dynaudio, Vandersteen, Magnepan, Meridian, Monitor Audio, Avant Garde, MBL, Wilson, California Audio Technology, German Physiks, Phase Technology, AVI, Vienna Acoustics, Linn, Krell, Rockport, Focal/JM Lab, Wisdom Audio...

More options here (for every class!)

And for that equally important receiver, consider: Onkyo, Denon, Pioneer (Elite), Yamaha, Oppo, Marantz, Harmon Karden, Cambridge, Arcam, NAD, Anthem, or for more options, this webpage should get you started.

You're welcome.