UnNews:ACLU silent on gun control debate

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"This just isn't us." -- The 'U

12 January 2013
NYC, USA -- For a month now, the United States of America, spanning from sea to shining sea, has experienced a shitstorm that is the ever traditional, quarterly post-mass shooting gun control debate. Everybody and their grandmother's favorite pundit has a strong opinion in this grand, hackneyed debate that manifests the timely struggle of freedom vs. security, and the very nature of the Constitution and American society. Everybody, except for one: The American Civil Liberties Union.

The ACLU, or The 'U, as they liked to be called, is no stranger to controversy. The 'U was criticized in 1978 for defending the rights of Neo-Nazis to march down a neighborhood of Holocaust survivors under the First Amendment. Meanwhile, the North American Man-Boy Love Association has ACLU on top speed-dial. However, The 'U has chosen to sit on the fence with guns in order not the alienate their generally left-wing base.

"Why rock the boat?" asked president Susan Herman, "Nazis and pedophiles are one thing, but can you imagine what a hit, pun intended, we'd take in donations if we even came close to aligning with rednecks and gun nuts? The NRA: Now that's a scary bedfellow!"

The 'U's official website articulates their lukewarm, uncontroversial position:

As it stands, the very same organization that once defended Larry Craig's right to have sex in a public toilet under the Fourth Amendment holds the closest thing to an originalist interpretation of the Second Amendment. This is contrasted to many mainstream conservative political groups and self-proclaimed strict constitutionalists, who believe the Bill of Rights grants each individual the right to be Rambo.

One active ACLU lawyer, Mitch Craniels, who has a BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU poster from George Orwell's 1984 thumbtacked on his bedroom ceiling to remind him what he fights for every morning when he wakes up, commented that he thought these anti-gun control activists were "paranoid and fucking nuts". However, NRA spokesperson Wayne LaPierre gave equal mockery towards The 'U. "Taking legal action to challenge a creeping police state," he stated, "means nothing if you don't have a gun. Liberal pussies."