UnBooks:A Connoisseur's Guide to Dishes on Endangered Species
Now, loads of softies around the world are spending way too much time thinking about all these endangered animals. This UnBook would probably piss those oh-so-easily-offended exemplary citizens off - and that's partly why it's here. Uncyclopedia, in collaboration with the famous Restaurant Le Cadavre proudly presents: A Connoisseur's Guide to Dishes on Endangered Species! Why go for the the tasty, when you can go for the classy? Oh, I envy those lucky Neanderthals who could feast on their Mammoth steaks! I mean, god forbid that I, Martha STEWartless, would even consider using plentiful road kill as that would be so beneath my unique palate and sensibilities thereof! We dare never use oppossum, squirrel, or rabbit as such creatures are a totally common redneck variety of food! So, on with the a culinary travel down the delightful and delicious road of environmentally challenged creature comfort food such as Kentucky Fried Giraffe Neck and Chinchilla Chili to elaborate dishes such as Panda Parmesean and Koala Stroganoff!
This is an incomplete list. It may never be fully completed, or depending on its nature, it may be that we have better things to do. However, new and revised entries in the list are always welcome.
~ The Editors
Baby Baked Panda Parmesan Pasta
Ingredients: one baby Panda (serves eight), 2 1/4 cups grated Parmesan cheese, divided
- Capture panda from local zoo (unless you happen to live in China, in which case you might find one in a forest near a grove of bamboo). Evade zookeepers and police vehicles. Preheat oven to 400F.
- While oven is preheating, shoot and butcher panda. Take care not to shoot yourself in the foot. Then clean up the broken glass and damage panda did to your house while you were chasing it around.
- While panda is cooking, put broccoli into a large saucepan; add water to cover
- Bake panda until lightly browned and bubbly, about 25 minutes.
Serving Suggestions: Serve with red Italian Tosca wine. Afterwards, why not phone a lesbian (ex-girlfriend or something) and tell her how good your meal was? For a special treat: Find a cave to hide out in until law enforcement agents stop looking for you. Wear bite-proof pants in case they send in the K-9 unit.
French Manatee Surprise en Crout
~Changes in latitude, changes in attitude...
- Remove the flippers from the Manatee and set aside, dispose of the rest of the animal by throwing it back into the inlet to bob about, or compost for garden use next spring. Clean the flippers and the place in pot with five cups lightly salted water and the render for an hour, simmering until a gelatinous layer forms. Let cool, add ice cubes, skim the scum, reserve two cups of the broth.
- Peel the leaks, chop into medium slices and then add to covered pot containing manatee broth. Place in 350 oven for 2-hours.
- Remove from oven (careful, the pot will be quite hot!) and place on stove top. Add one half cup of broth and cook down the leaks for 15 minutes over high heat. leaks should brown in about ten minutes, continue adding manatee broth - just enough to keep the leaks moist.
- A thick coating of brownish manatee rue should form; deglaze the pan with the Merlot.
- Add in the creme and remaining manatee broth, bring to boil for five minutes, remove from heat.
- Ladle the creme soup into oven proof bowls, cover with a slice of baguette and Gruyère cheese; place under broiler until golden brown.
- Write one check for $250,000, made payable to the United States Justice Department for harming a protected species.
- Serve with a fine red merlot and enjoy!
Serving suggestions: Great as part of a Jimmy Buffett Buffet before or after the concert!
Manatee hint: It's best to harvest your own Manatee; it's doubtful your butcher will be able to accommodate your gourmet needs.
Grilled Spotted Owl
- treat your friends to a real outdoors feast!
Ingredients:one young Spotted Owl, 10 cloves garlic, minced, five spoons dried parsley
- Make sure no park rangers or wildlife enforcement are watching.
- Shoot Owl.
- Important: Get to the corpse before wildlife enforcement agents do.
- Make sure Owl is dead (OW! The fucker just bit me!) If not, finish it off.
- Bandage your arms where it bit and clawed you (and they do have sharp beaks and talons).
- Pluck feathers.
- Prepare grill.
- Grill the Owl ten inches from the hot coals, for 15 minutes on each side for medium rare (and rare it is!)
Serving Suggestions: Serve with Budweiser and praise the diversity of American wildlife! Wasn't it worth the risk of permanently forfeiting your hunting license? Don't forget: Congratulations, you're a class C felon!
Kentucky Fried Giraffe Neck
- great for Sundays with the family
Ingredients:one large female Giraffe neck (cubed), one dozen eggs, flour and spices.
- Preheat an iron skillet and lard until oil is bubbly.
- In a bowl, mix 5lbs. high gluten flour, one Tbs. each of ground pepper, salt, coriander, sage, celery salt and white sugar (the "sugar" is the "secret"!).
- In a second bowl, mix twelve eggs until frothy.
- Dip the meat into the egg mix and then dredge the meat through the flour. When well-coated, set on sheet of wax paper so that coating can set.
- Fry each piece, turning frequently to ensure proper browning. for 1 1/2 hours. Spicy sauce can be added to egg mixture, if a snappy taste is desired.
Serving Suggestions: Serve with an ice cold Coke and freshly made Wildebeest Slaw. Why not enjoy the meal while watching baseball with your kids? Important: Don't answer the door when wildlife agents come to arrest you for poaching. Sneak out the back door or a window instead.
- simple to make, as Koalas are constantly dozing and easy to catch
- Travel to Australia. Watch out for the numerous poisonous snakes in the bush there.
- Climb eucalyptus tree with burlap bag. Quickly bag the sleeping koalas before they wake up and tear the bag to shreds.
- Pass them off as fur coats to get them past customs when you leave the country.
Ingredients: one male and one female Koala + their offspring (optional, but great for appetizers)
- Remove claws from offspring carefully, as they make great toothpicks
- Stir in mushrooms and onion; cook koalas until tender, about five to seven minutes
Serving Suggestions: Serve with fresh mineral water, and why not enjoy the meal while watching Animal Planet?
African Lion Lasagna
- this dish freezes well!
Ingredients: one African Lion, one 55lbs. drum of Ricotta, one six gallons of crushed red tomatoes, two medium zucchinis, four teaspoons olive oil and 80 boxes of oven ready Lasagna noodles.
- Sprinkle lion with cheese, tomato mixture, scattering the zucchini slices about as you layer the meat
- Bake in 375F oven for 20 minutes.
- Makes ten servings - great for freezing in!
- Can cause nightmares of being chased by big cats and Federal agents.
Serving Suggestions: Serve with cold Irish cider, and why not take a pic with your digicam and send it to World Wildlife Fund?
Polar Bear Kabobs
- for the serious meat-eater
Ingredients: one adult Polar Bear (they can be found floating around on chunks of ice), bell peppers, mushrooms
- Get Polar Bear drunk. Wait until passes out to avoid mauling.
- Impale on large skewers, or harpoons, if available.
- Add sliced peppers and mushroom, alternating with the meat.
- Heat slowly over charcoals for about two hours until the meat is red, eh, more red, or..brown..something.
Serving Suggestions: Serve with Southern Comfort and round it off with a toke on the peace pipe
Baby Beluga Chowder
- finally, a mammal that comes with its own fondue pot (caquelon)!
Ingredients: One pregnant Beluga Whale, two baguettes, 12 oz. melted mild cheddar, 12 to 18 red thin-skinned potatoes (1 1/2 in. wide), scrubbed, (optional) Diced Whale pirates
- Making sure you are in international waters, harpoon the whale, then extract the precious cargo. Throw the remainder overboard.
- Harpoon the whale pirates chasing after you who want to save the whale. They make great appetizers. Dice, fondue, and enjoy.
- Alternatively, Wait for whale to wash up on a beach near you. Then instead of trying to move it back into the water, butcher it!
- In a 3- to 4-quart pan over high heat, bring about one quart water to a boil. Add potatoes.
- Potatoes will be ready after about 20 minutes.
Makes 6-8 servings. Serving Suggestions: Best with several Japanese or Russian beers of your choice. Why not enjoy while piloting a single-hulled oil tanker? It's child's play! Young children love this dish - especially following a sing-a-long of Raffi's song Baby Beluga!
Short-tailed Chinchilla Chili
- the leftover skins make great fur slippers
Ingredients:one entire Chinchilla colony, one chopped onion, three chopped garlic cloves, two tablespoons of chili powder, 1/2 teaspoon of ground pepper, three cups of water, Coarse salt
- Travel to the Andes to retrieve the colony.
- Remove the kidneys, liver and heart from the Chinchillas.
- Add the kidneys, liver, heart, onion, garlic,pepper, and salt to the chili bowl.
- Stir this mixture occasionally for about 10-15 minutes. (It is good to mash up the kidneys a bit)
- Bring the pot to boil.
- Begin to reduce the heat down to a simmer and keep stirring until the chili become thick and the internal organs are softer.
- If you find that the blood in your chili is a bit dry you can add water to make it moist again.
Serving Suggestions:Great for those chilly nights.
Hot Mexican Prairie Dog
- for those who like Mexican Foods
Ingredients:one Mexican Prairie Dog, 1/4 cup of onion, one small clove garlic, one egg white, 1-1/2 teaspoons sugar, one teaspoon salt, mustard, ketchup, and one bun.
- Take a trip to Mexico
- Capture a Mexican Prairie Dog
- Remove its fur and grind up the Prairie Dog meat.
- Mix seasonings into the meat mixture with your hands. (This tends to be a sticky procedure, so make sure you have your alligator skins gloves on)
- Place the dog meat in a bowl of ice water and chill thoroughly. Remove, pat dry, and refrigerate.
- Form cold mixture into sausages. Cook, add the condiments and bun, and enjoy.
Serving Suggestions: Great for picnics and barbecues.