Ubuntu

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

This article is about the third world operating system. For the article about the third world philosophy, Go Screw Yourself. It ain't never comin' back!

Ubuntu
The official logo of the Ubuntu Linux Distribution, depicting three men grabbing each other's penis from behind.
OS family Linux
Kernel Type Monolithic
Latest release 14.10 Uncyclopedic Unicorn
Company/developer Canonical LTD/Ubuntu Foundation Inc. LTD LLC Corporation Industries
Source model GPL (GNU Private License)
Available language Multilingual/Defaults to Swahili
Architectures Supported i386, X86-64, amd128
Mark Shuttleworth, also known as Dread Cthulhu, is the founder of Canonical LTD, and Ubuntu

Ubuntu is a distribution of Linux, initiated when Mark Shuttleworth fired an inverse tachyon beam at Debian, causing an overload in the primary EPS conduit, and starting a feedback loop in the tertiary adjunct, also brought to you by the color brown, it was rewritten mainly in Python3 to encourage more community involvement in the development process, but since nobody has adopted Python 3, nobody contributes save Canonical developers, and lonely KDE devs.

Ubuntu is fully Eunuchs '08 Certified.

Ubuntu is largely useless in home and professional environments but nonetheless hailed by 12-year-old miscreants and almost all ex-Windows (l)users the Macintosh hasn't snapped up, as a revolution in the software industry, or, in John Lennon's words, "bigger than Jesus".

Made by Canonical LTD, whose objective is to become the gangsters of Free software that Microsoft is of every other category, Ubuntu is distributed free of charge, just like gonorrhea, because they are well aware that this price is at the limit of what their customers will pay.

Origin of name

The Cthulhu takes human form, and is standing by for your call.

The word Ubuntu is an old South African saying that seems to mean "We are what we are thanks to Mark Shuttleworth's money.", in some dialects it also translates to "We are what we are because of the pile of packages we ripped from Debian." According to Cthulhu Shuttleworth, the term came about as an Unintentional Uttering by Nelson Mandela. Some people also suggest that "Ubuntu" is an African word meaning "I can't figure out how to configure Slackware".

History and development process

The first version of Ubuntu was released on October 20, 2004, as Canonical's contribution to the cesspool of useless Debian clones. Largely the product of Mark Shuttleworth's mental masturbations, it featured a mutilated GNOME desktop (see next section) and software pieces sourced from a loose collective of amateur software developers from the world's dirtiest basements. Since Canonical has no real control over its developer "teams", the project has gradually decayed into a dumping ground of a diverse variety of absurd ideas, and has only been getting worse.

Although it was not precisely Canonical's endeavor to distribute Ubuntu completely free (as in Gonorrhea), the lack of project steering meant the company had no other choice than forcing Ubuntu to be as open-source as possible. To make matter worse, the developer demographic was mostly comprised of those who saw the need of coding several dozen versions of the same programs and system utilities using every programming language that exists, though Ubuntu, being a reverse-meritocracy is guaranteed to make the worst selections possible as the defaults.

Thanks to the fact Ubuntu was never intended to be profited on based on licensing, the costs of creating and maintaining this atrocious product were completely and successfully diverted to lusers who would actually pay Canonical for support, this basis is flawed for two reasons, one being that 12 year old script kiddies don't have $250, and the rest of Ubuntu's lusers are freeloaders anyway.

Ubuntu ships a new release every 6 months, and a new Long Term Nonsense Release every 18 months, Long Term Nonsense Releases pay homage to Debian by trying to be almost as obsolete as it is before the support lifecycle ends, almost all lusers that have any hardware that was made semi-recently will find that LTN releases support even less of their shit than normal Ubuntu.

Ubuntu pioneered an innovative build process for custom versions of Linux based on itself, everytime an Ubuntu user masturbates a new distribution is created that they can then proceed to distribute with impunity, there are so many customized Ubuntu distributions that it is in fact impossible to list them all.

The Ubuntu developers cult

Mneptok, Cthulhu's second in command.

Despite the loosely connected nature among Ubuntu developers, several initiation rituals exist. The initiation culture was evolved through years of Linux developing in the part of individual members and was likely inspired by the unlit, humid environment in common basements. The rituals include:

  • The conference call of the Cthulhu
  • Removing features from GNOME
  • Replacing everything written in C with a Python alternative
  • Introducing more ACPI and Compiz bugs that won't EVER be fixed
  • Reading Malone, their crude attempt at recreating Bugzilla for no reason, and laughing sadistically at the lusers their permabugs are affecting, before stamping them WORKSFORME
  • Make more vendor patches, on top of Debian's patches then don't give anything back to upstream
  • Pledging one's first born child to the Ubuntu ShipIt factory

The cult gathers when the Sun, Moon and Earth align on the Freenode IRC network to initiate new members into the fold and sacrifice a small child. Don't be alarmed, the child is usually replaced with a senior Debian developer who has not yet given in to Ubuntu's evil, the cult chants "Ave! Ave Versus Christus!" which translates into "All Hail Mark Shuttleworth".

After the ritual, they proceed to spank the pledges with a paddle that has had an Ubuntu logo carved out of it until a permanent welt forms on the site, then they go have Kraft Dinner.

A little known fact of the development process involves the use of "numbers stations", shortwave radio stations commonly thought to be used by spies speaking in code, but these are actually Ubuntu developers planning what to hose next.

For example, 1, 5, 7, 7,4, 7, 8, 3, 9, 2, 5, 4, 4, 1 = Let's royally fuck his webcam and make Pulseaudio go apeshit on resume from suspend, than when he reboots, hang the system forcing a hard reset.

Marketing and Community

The real reason Ubuntu Shipit is popular. Picture: Ubuntu 5.05 "Juicy Jubblies."

Ubuntu is always first and foremost guided by the Code of Conduct, a religious document written by L. Ron Shuttleworth, that depicts a Galactic Confederation, led by the Dark Lord Gatesu, who brought UNIX users to Earth in space planes that looked like DC-9 aircraft, and dropped them into volcanoes, and then detonated hydrogen bombs in the volcanoes, all users of Microsoft Windows today are in fact tormented by these souls, called THTN's (short for THetans are not ThetaNs), and must be liberated by using Ubuntu and responding in the affirmative to peer pressure, even if the group is wrong, which the Code of Conduct says they never are.

Many original adopters of Ubuntu were deceived into thinking it was functionally a Debian CD with an easier installer, more cowbell, and a free disc that Canonical would send you, and so switched to Ubuntu for these reasons, they even started telling their friends and family about Ubuntu, but as time went on, Cthulhu Shuttleworth partnered with Darth Vader, and revealed their true intentions, by this point many users were essentially trapped because Ubuntu held all their data on the root partition, in this horrible filesystem called ext3, making it a long and cumbersome process to back it up, but in the mean time, an entire culture of freeloaders, angry Windows lusers, and 14 year olds with no job had rallied around Ubuntu giving it a critical mass of lusers.

Meanwhile, on board the Death Star, Cthulhu Shuttleworth said "Hmmmm, these parasites asses would clamp up tighter than a snare drum if I asked them for a nickel, but I could probably find people stupid enough to pay for it at Best Buy", so having missed the chance to be a real server operating system, Ubuntu has ever since been on the way to being entirely funded by 14 year olds with paper routes and people who mistake the boxed set for Windows Vista.

Despite popular belief, Cthulhu Shuttleworth's primary purpose for Canonical STD is not to turn a profit, it is to keep an army of fanboys believing in him, lest he stop existing.

Now some may ask, "How do most people today come to use Ubuntu?" there's a simple natural progression:

Luser Cancels AOL---->Figures out what BitTorrent is---->Uses it to download Hentai (or possibly Yaoi or Yuri, we don't judge)---->Mistakenly downloads Ubuntu believing it to be Hentai (or Yaoi or Yuri)

Ubuntu lusers tend to be very touchy when called out on the fact that they actually use such a terrible system, it's usually best to just leave them alone, they don't hurt anybody, they'll happily continue vandalizing Wikipedia by adding gratuitous and innapropriate pictures of Ubuntu running Microsoft Bob and other various Windows programs in Wine, if you just leave them alone.

A typical Ubuntu desktop experience, notice the innovative features.
Internet Explorer 6, the default web browser in Ubuntu (Courtesy of Microsoft).

Desktop interface

Canonical ships every version of Ubuntu with (usually) the latest version of GNOME.

Not wanting to ostracize KDE lusers, Kubuntu was formed based around the desktop that had been passed over. Kubuntu was also marketed towards Moral Kombat players who are unable to use an applications that starts with 'c'. Given that Ubuntu's version of GNOME is severely watered down, unstable, eats RAM like it's going out of style, and since KDE is pretty much like that anyway, Canonical decided that it was easy enough to throw them a fricken bone, to increase confidence of its luserbase.

The need for more cowbell, however, led to a three-dimensional desktop interface enhancement for Ubuntu's generic X-Window code base, which was included in Ubuntu as part of its multitude of experimental crap features. Given the quirky nature of X, GNOME and many OpenGL drivers, this resulted in severe epileptic seizures in some lusers due to a deluge of error messages splashing onto the screen at higher than refresh rate. Nonetheless, the "Desktop Cube" was regarded by Cthulhu Shuttleworth as "one of the greatest rabbits ever pulled out of my ass", and wound up being widely demonstrated by 14 year olds on Youtube, often to the backdrop of horrible music, like worse than Phil Collins, OK maybe not THAT horrible, but still pretty bad.

An XFCE version was created for older computers, called Xubuntu, but attempts to replicate all features of GNOME except the ones you're trying to use, while taking up equal memory. Some lusers actually use this coat hanger abortion for their day to day computing.

As far as Internet software goes, Microsoft was gracious enough to let Ubuntu lusers borrow Internet Explorer 6, which Bill Gates was reported to have said "I just feel so sorry for these guys. How would they have anything if it wasn't for Microsoft's continuing philanthropy? Therefore as part of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation's Aid to Africa program, please take this as a token of our condolences."

Ports of Windows Media Player 11 and Windows Live Messenger are on the way.

Wallpaper

One of the many work-safe wallpapers shipped with Ubuntu

Cthulhu seized the opportunity presented by his dungeon-dwelling luserbase and give them what they really want. This brought on a series of boundary-pushing wallpapers featuring naked women (Jeri Ryan is pulled in through the Restricted Extras metapackage), and was shipped with Ubuntu release "Warty Warthog" (yes, I mean social-disease warts), and still there, albeit hidden in "Hardy Hardon", the latest brainfart release.

With said wallpapers on display one devoted Ubuntu luser claimed he was "finally able to enjoy masturbation without having to go through the trouble of accessing pornographic websites".

IT managers also welcomed these new additions as one explained that the soft porn "might actually reduce unwanted traffic on the network without the cost and hassle of filtering", it is for this reason mainly, that most companies switching from Microsoft to Ubuntu do so.

Security

Ubuntu can be secured, provided the GUI-oriented luser figures out how to get all the command-line based firewall and apparmor systems set up since they are both turned off by default, so as to not get in the way (which is the main reason why this section is also semi-hidden- so it doesn't get in the way).

Contrary to popular belief, the OpenSSL vulnerability also was not a bug, like Microsoft, Canonical and Debian just wanted the user to be able to easily get back into their computer if they lost their password, it's not their fault that script kiddies and even the NSA managed to figure this one out too.....really!

When was the last time you saw the Fedora Core go to bat for their users like this, anyway?

Release Names

The Jabbering Jabberwock is the current Long Term Nonsense Release

Each time a new version of Ubuntu is released, Canonical chooses a release name that is practically guaranteed to be loved by all. In the past these have included:

  • Ambitious Australopithecus
  • Autistic Aardvark
  • Apathetic Amoeba
  • Bitchy Badger
  • Bloated Bastard
  • Buggy Beast
  • Copulating Cthulhu (In tribute to Mark Shuttleworth)
  • Drowning Duck
  • Drugged Dog
  • Emo Emu
  • Epileptic Elephant
  • Fingering Furry
  • Funky Fish
  • Girly Gorilla
  • Hardy Hardon
  • Horny Hedgehog
  • Hungry Hippo
  • Insipid Ibex
  • Jabbering Jabberwock (The official Long Term Nonsense Release, Canonical will support it through backports indefinitely)
  • Kinky Kangaroo
  • Lazy Lemming (A tribute release to system administrators rolling out Ubuntu)
  • Masturbating Monkey (A special Linus Torvalds Edition tribute release to Ubuntu lusers)
  • Nasty Nematode
  • Nude Nudibranch
  • Outraged Ostrich
  • Offensive Ogre
  • Paraplegic Penguin
  • Phlegmatic Pony
  • Quadriplegic Quail
  • Randy Rhino
  • Rigid Rat
  • Snarky Snail
  • Stupid Swan
  • Touchy Turtle
  • Ugly Urchin
  • Virile Vixen
  • Wobbly Whale
  • Xenophobic Xenoposeidon
  • Yearning Yeti
  • Zany Zebra
  • Zinedine Zidane

See also

Linux - Debian | Fedora | Gentoo | Lindows | Linux (Only For Mac) | Red Hat | Rinux | Slackware | Ubuntu | UbuntuCE | Uncyclux | Xubuntu
BSD - OpenBSD
Darwin - OSX | Tiger Solaris -Solaris
Vi | Emacs | Firefox | GIMP | GNOME | GFDL | GPL | I18n | KDE | ls | man | man uncyclopedia | rm | TWM | FVWM | X Window System
Free Sockpuppet Foundation | GNU | St. Ignucius | SCO | Richard M. Stalin | Richard M Stallman vs. Linus Torvalds | Linus Torvalds | Tux