Ping pong
“The game where everybody hits someone else's small white balls!”
“It's 'ery nice!”
“The most awesome sport ever broadcasted on ESPN.”
“Or as I call it: gnip gnop.”
“Its the best game I have ever played.”
Ping pong, or as the French would say, L'ping pong, is a very dangerous game that is mainly played in nuclear reactors by particle physicists with Bozo Guns. The energy that is released during an average ping pong game is astronomical. The ping pong ball, in a mysterious quantum queef, is in fact a rather large clump of elementary particles, which, in game, travels in accordance to the laws of quantum cheddardynamics. Once a ping pong ball is set into motion, the enlarged particle could ping pong against the reactor's sarcophogus walls eternally, since the ping pong balls lose no energy against the walls of the reactor. Once a ping pong ball hits another ping pong ball that is not moving, this causes a chain reaction of ping pong balls that bring each other in motion. If two ping pong balls hit and experience an acceleration, the entire universe could blink out of existence.
The World Oversized Ping Pong Championships have been won by, the legendary, Richard Attrill every year since inception in 1997. "The Master", as he is often called retired, undefeated in 2012.
It should be noticed, though, that ping pong is a dangerous sport for the unprepared. Loose clothing is necessary, as the sweat released by a player's adrenaline rushes could overheat a mentally handicapped lizard. It is also important to breathe when playing, or else one runs the risk of forgetting to breathe in the intenseness of the game. This has happened in several Olympic games, and that is the only reason that the USA has ever won, since the Chinese always forget to breathe. Currently, the world champion table tennis player is none other than renowned superhero Kevin Kickass Schack, who has actually been recently beaten by Mr. T without a fight, seeing as Mr. T is his one fear in the world.
Rules[edit | edit source]
The rules of Ping Pong were first documented in Swedish, and are translated as follows:
- The table tø be used must be an adult large mahogany table, and must be fully dead beføre play cömmences.
- Said large mahogany table must be greater than twö bork in length and greater than øne bork in height.
- A cøin shäll be tössed for service, and whøsoever wins the töss shäll be given the large mahogany table töø serve with.
- The plaeäëæyer with the service shäll ättæmpt tö hit the large mahogany table øver the nët with his or her tennis racket.
- Plåy shäll côntinue üntil bøth pläëyers and spęctātōürs gët børed.
Many American ping pong players, upon attempting ping pong, decided that the Swedish translator was a preschool drop-out, and made up their own spontaneous rules. However, it is true that the aforementioned is what the Swedes had intended.
History[edit | edit source]
“I pity the foo' who's never played Ping Pong!”
“If it weren't for the existence of Ping Pong, I wouldn't be alive today!”
The sport has changed little since its conception. The first match was played between Byorg Byorgsson and some guy in 1743 and lasted for two weeks. Of course, not a single rally was completed, but spectators were captivated by the mind-numbing tedium of the game, and play only came to an end when Byorgsson died of boredom, to huge cheers from the crowd. The most famous match since then was, of course, the great European Championship Quarter-Final of 1922 between Byorgy McBjorgbjorg and AAA. AAA was given the service, and stood behind the large mahogany table, ready to serve. The match took an unexpected turn when the large mahogany table, struck by AAA, was lifted off the ground by the winds of Hurricane Byorg (which was passing through Sweden at the time), and landed in his opponent's court. Thus came the first and only victory ever recorded in ping pong. AAA was heard to comment afterwards, "A AAA'A AAAA AA; A AAAA AAAAAA AAA." How true.
Ping Pong: A Threat To Us All?[edit | edit source]
A recent Time Magazine article on completely inane and useless pieces of information found that ping pong is now the single largest threat to the human civilization as we know it, beating global warming, terrorism, and even the Chinese for the top spot. Zlatan Fazlic, Head of the International Organisation of Ping Pong Players and Referees (IOPPR) had this to say; "I'm absolutely delighted, that by using only the power of human boredom and confusion, ping pong has successfully become a major power. Soon you shall worship us as Gods!" He went on to insist that Ping Pong should now be officially classified as a "sport" not just something that he could "Get spanky with too, whilst watching neighbours". Mr. Fazlic is currently being assessed at a psychiatric home for the criminally insane.
Ping Pong In Popular Culture[edit | edit source]
“I love ping pong like I love my sister. I secretly want to kiss it but know that would be so so wrong. Oh, GOD! Did I just say that on the record? Fuck!!! Delete that shit! HEY!! GET BACK HERE!!!! I WILL SUE YOU!!!!!!!”
Ping Pong, despite being the worst "sport" in the history of "sports", has become quite a thrill for moviegoers. All of the annoying people in Hollywood gathered and created the worst movie ever: Balls of Fury. Most critics agree, this movie wouldn't have sucked so much if it wasn't such a shitty movie based on such a shitty sport. SHIT! One critic, however, actually loved it:
“I LOVED this movie!! It made me not beat my kids after I watched it.”
– Al Gore on Balls of Fury
Despite the box office failure, and failure to humanity, this movie did spark a much higher interest in ping pong than years past. With the help of the equally horrible film, Beerfest, Beer pong has become ever more an American pastime. As an apology of sorts to the sport of Ping Pong, the producers of Balls of Fury have released a re-imagining of the film called Biggs & Little, about a Sasquatch paired up with a doll-sized martial artist infiltrating a ping pong tournament.
