Winter sports

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Winter sports athletes in action.
Bobsleigh has just cracked the top 10 of all time "sexy" winter sports.

Everyone loves winter sports, mainly because you get to watch people, animals and animalistic people freezing their arses off whilst sitting in the warm, on your lardy one. Even better are the highlights, when you can see someone disgustingly fit (ughh) freeze to death in hi-definition, frame by frame slo-motion (hurray). In recent times, global warming has threatened winter sports and terrified sponsors (Frigidaire, Icy Glacier Inc., etc) so in an attempt to gain viewership, the range of sadistically delightful activities on offer now incorporate important dangers of hypothermia. The casualty rate is high in the new test sports, which is annoying when presenting medals to frozen corpses. They just don't act grateful. It's proposed that audience members who can spare a burger or 10, throw these to moribund athletes before the point of death. At -50 degrees, a frozen meat product whacking you in the eyeballs or, better, testicles, can be quite an incentive to man up and carry on.

Anyway, enough with the technical stuff. Here is a description of some popular hypothermia sports:

Bobsleigh

The average spectator probably thinks that you can drink 7 pints of beer a day while smoking like a dragon and be a bobsleigh champion, and they would be right. In fact it helps because beer numbs fear and pain, and hey, if you are going to die of lung cancer anyway, what's to lose? Bobsleighs can go to a speed upward of MACH 3, hence why the spectators are wearing ear muffs while seeing a flash pass by. An important and semi-athletic moment in bobsleigh is the push at the beginning of the ride, where Bob Slayers have to run while grabbing onto an apparatus on the side of their machine. Then hop! in the compartment. This is the crucial part, since if missed, it could end up in a catastrophic descent, ripping the aero combination and having the athlete descend at great speed with his sack and crack on the ice.

Bobsleigh fast, die young, have a good looking corpse!

Hockey

An average hockey fan enjoying what she secretly hoped to see.

Hockey is a sport played on an oval ice rink, with nets posted at each side of it. It is the National sport of Canada since those folks live in icy conditions 11 months out of 12. An average hockey player wears an armor under his shirt, since the violence he will be subjected to requires it. Of course the aim of the game is to put a small, blacky disky thingie in the adversary's net, but doing this will only elicit a jaded response from the crowd. Much more appreciated are the contacts (Think of a head-on collision of two 200 pounders going at 30 km/h here) and the fights! A hockey bout is a sort of violent waltz where the winner is the guy left standing and the loser is the bloke whose teeth and blood are on the ice. The winner is praised while the loser is laughed at, bringing a nice twist to sportsmanship.

Figure skating

Perfect for boys who want to look like tough guys and gals who want to expose a bit of flesh to frostbite. The sport actually stole the skates from hockey players, but used them for grace instead of gore. However, those who like the fairly innocent joy of seeing another human being taking a faceplant will be served by this sport. The goal is to spin midair like a whirligig as often as possible during the routine, and choose a melody that will blend well with what's happening on the ice. It is not recommended to opt for Let the Bodies Hit the Floor, but a tune like Fly Like an Ostrich will do. The sport may be more hardcore and competitive that one could imagine, as the Nancy Kerrigan-Tonya Harding incident proved in the 1990s. Indeed, Harding hired a thug to attack Kerrigan and smash her knee as she was in fear she could be beaten on the ice by Kerrigan, proving the sport is serious business.

Polar bear fighting

Polar bears also play hockey, of course.

Very popular in certain parts of Canada, polar bear fighting has a death rate of 95%, as the bears just don't know when to stop. The activity takes place in a hockey arena, as are all sports in Canada, and is practiced after a hockey game IF the home team lost, hence why it is occurring so often in Montreal. The crowd's rage is then so intense that they chase down a spectator sporting the colors of the visiting team all around the arena whilst employees build the 'fighting' pit. Sometimes the participant is given a weapon like a spoon or a hockey stick to 'even the odds' before they swiftly liberate the bear. The 5% incidence where the "fighter" is not killed is because the bear was fed before the bout and got bored.

High speed igloo building

A sport that can be played recreationally but sometimes as a necessity after a snowstorm blows one's house away. The champions in recent years have been a team composed of Inuits: Iss Bloch Bwildher and his brother Sno. They achieved a livable igloo with all the commodities of modern life such as a foyer, a wine cave and a room to fart in, all of this in under 65 minutes. The secret to their success according to themselves is the consumption of a lot of caribou and seal testicles, since it contains natural steroids.

Curling

Another sport invented in Canada, curling is just too complicated for a normal human being to understand. Have a great time freezing your arse off!

This guy has a PhD in Curling, so he actually knows what he is doing. Also, he is insane, which supposedly helps.

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