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Phylum Insectomammal
Species Spermophilus nigroannulatum
Habitat A picturesque dale near you
Size Just right
Colour The colour of money
Abilities Hiding acorns, Zombification
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Because of their incurable biases, the so-called experts at Wikipedia will probably never have an article about Spidersquirrel. We are sorry they insist on being this lame.

“Hell hath no fury like a motherfuckin spidersquirrel”

~ Jesus H Christ on spidersquirrels

“I'm still not really sure how the hell I made the crazy little bastard”

~ God on spidersquirrels

“As a word of advice from one who has already experienced this, do not attempt to keep these in your rectum.”

~ Oscar Wilde on spidersquirrels

Spidersquirrels are curious beasties that are an ineffably feisty mix of mammal and arachnid attributes. They have a rather short temper, although they are quite shy, and have a bizarre acorn obsession, although this does not form part of their diet.


There are many things that are unknown about the genesis of the spidersquirrel.

Many wild rumours theories have stated that it was an accident in a Genetics Laboratory, but the commonly held belief that the real source of their being is in fact much different.

Apparently it was the spontaneous combustion of a squirrel and a spider, while in an act of carnal interspecies lust, that caused their molecules to fuse to form the spidersquirrel we all know and love.

Further speculation maintains that it was just a rather unfortunate and very sad Transporter accident.


Spidersquirrels are commonly found in the walls of bungalows, but more usually in the marijuana fields of Jamaica.

Rumour has it that Bob Marley attempted to capture one. He intended to raise it in the ways that would teach it that every little thing would be all right. However, he failed and was fatally bitten and was instantly Zombiefied.

This is a typical spidersquirrel. Notice the victims hand a fragment of a second before the creature bites him.

Life Cycle[edit]

The Spidersquirrel has an amphibious lifestyle, that favours picturesque and photogenic moody glens, and for some reason duck ponds.

Larval Stage[edit]

Spidersquirrels hatch from iridescent mauve eggs, into horrid squishy orange and green chequered nineteen legged larvae that head for the nearest body of water, and crawl to the bottom, where they feed on anything within reach. Eventually, they get bored, and start constructing an elaborate chrysalis to embark on their metamorphosis.

Adult Stage[edit]

After a period of three weeks and two days, the spidersquirells emerge from their confinement, stretch hugely, and holding their breath, suffer extreme flatulence to break through the surface of the water, to skip across the pond to the shore.

Many do not make it, as they have stupidly set up shop too deep for their gut wrenching propulsion to carry them, or get eaten by an Offensive Tit They then climb the nearest tree, to start harassing the local wild life, and to move acorns around, while the real squirrels are not watching.

Spidersquirrels are known to breed rapidly, being able to lay over two hundred and three eggs every week.

mother fuck look what happens when a spdersquirrel bites a normal one!

Spidersquirrel Hazards[edit]

Spidersquirrels are known for chasing after humans and biting at their throats until zombification occurs.

Their venom is known to cause hallucinations and extreme hunger, as well as one of the most devastating symptoms that causes men to think Carmen Electra is ugly.

There have been rumours of 167,004 Spidersquirrel related deaths a year, and it is expected to rise over 300,000 each summer. However, these numbers are unverified, due to a cover-up by the Authorities, who blame Grues for these deaths instead.

How to Kill Spidersquirrels[edit]

Spidersquirrels are known for being resilient and resistant to illness.

In fact, only one thing is known to kill a spidersquirrel.

It is an excruciating process that involves playing the Jonas Brothers or James Blunt at high volumes, eventually causing the creature's ears to bleed. Inevitably this makes the beastie's head assplode.

Unfortunately, this is dangerous not only to the spidersquirrel, but also to any human beings within a five mile radius, as it may have similar effects on them.

SpiderSquirrel cusine[edit]

Spidersquirrels are delicious made into a pie, when roasted with uncarrots.

Well-known British tee-totaller Delia Smith was once imprisoned, charged with WMD offences, for preparing a recipe using fricassee of spidersquirrel, served with antipasta and grits.

See Also[edit]