Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
“Das Buch liegt auf dem Tisch, der himmel ist blau und Ich will poppen...”
- – Goethe
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (Born, 28th August 1749, Died, 22nd April 1943) was a bumbling German novelist, dramatist, poet, cannibal, chessmaster and philosopher, and is rumored to have kept the hearts of his vanquished rivals on display in the atrium of his palace.
While famous in his native country, Goethe (pronounced Gurt-uh, possibly a derivative of the name of his mother's favorite snack/vaginal cream, Go-Gurt) is not well-known among non-Germans, precisely for the reason of not being Hitler. It is a little known fact that Goethe originally did audition for the part of Hitler, but he played the part too morbidly and the Director said he was looking for someone a bit cutesier. Subsequently, it's suspected that he served/ruled/existed-somehow-related-to The Ministry for Misfactual Unformation. This is nothing more than an unsubstantiated rumor. Just a rumor...
He was raised and suckled by wolves, for the first 8 and a half years of his life. Hence the name, WolfGang. The rest of Goethe's life is uninteresting, inconsequential to the course of history, and chronicled elsewhere. Life? I see no life! But he was a fucking amazing author. Goethe was multi-talented, a widely read "polymath" who also pwned Beethoven at arm-wrestling, to decide who would get to date Bettina Brentano Von-Arnim.
Anyway, Goethe was a Tesco lackie masquerading as a poet. His guffness of rhyme was too obvious to show it. His crap when translated made little or no sense. Goethe’s general tonality was both thick and dense. A redundancy, you point out, yes it exists. For the complex narrative turns and twists.
Goethe was born a quaint burgh named Hamlin, of parents of mean ancestry and meaner spirits. At the age of seven, he left on a trip to the mountains with the other children of the town led by a deranged saxophonist, never to return. In the mountains, Goethe, the saxophonist and their posse were faced with bitter cold and the complete lack of any natural vegetation or animal population, and as such were forced to resort to cannibalism. The saxophonist resorted to sending three of the fittest children to find a passage out of the mountains, Goethe among them. They eventually found the home of a peasant couple, helicopters were sent out from a nearby village to rescue the remainder of the survivors. This epic drama was later brought to film in the 1993 movie, Alive.
The peasant couple took in Goethe as their son, for they could not produce children of their own as the husband, a Dr. Leroy Faust, had sold his testes to the Devil in exchange for three magic beans. One day, while Faust was out, Goethe took the beans to market where he traded them for a cow. When he returned home, he tried to hide the cow from his father, because he knew how much the beans meant to him. But when Faust found out, instead of being upset, he congratulated Goethe for his resourcefulness and agreed that a cow was a bit more practical than a handful of beans, no matter how practical they are.
At the age of seventeen, Goethe made a journey to an Amsterdam coffee shop, where he found lodging in the home of Admiral Jan Popeij. Upon Admiral Popeij's prodding, the young Goethe joined the Dutch Royal navy, even though he had originally ventured to Amsterdam because of the city's liberal prostitution policies. With Popeij's influence, Goethe was able to quickly advanced in rank and served as the captain of the Dutch Pacific fleet during the Crimean War. Upon his sinking of the city of Atlantis he became an overnight hero, but he was compelled to return to the Netherlands when Popeij grew deathly sick. On his deathbed, Popeij made Goethe promise to look after his young daughter, Lotte, Goethe reluctantly agreed, understanding this would mean an end to his brilliant naval career.
Unfortunately, Popeij did not tell Goethe that Lotte was already engaged to the assistant secretary of the navy, a man by the name of Albert Rossweiler. Goethe was at this point torn between his growing love for Lotte and the laws of society that kept him away from her. He realized however, that he needed only to take Albert out of the picture, and Lotte would be his, and what better way than to kill of the secretary of the navy, thus promoting Albert to secretary and forcing him to travel far away on the high seas.
Earlier in his life, Goethe might have been repulsed by the idea of assassination, but he had recently been reading and re-reading J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye, and strongly empathized wit the title character Holden Caulfield, who in the lost chapters of the novel that only Goethe had copies of had gone on a killing spree and destroyed the city of New York. Goethe decided to carry on Holden's mission and kill off the only person that Holden forgot--the Secretary of the Navy.
Unfortunately Rossweiler had gotten word of the plan and hit Goethe over the head with a big stick right before he was about shoot the secretary.
Goethe was sent to prison for attempted murder, while Rossweiler, a power-hungry power fiend, went on to murder the secretary of the navy with the same stick. He later did the same thing to the Dutch president.
In prison, Goethe had time to consider all that had happened in his life thus far, and decided to become a novelist and a chessmaster. He had plenty of autobiographical experiences to draw from, and his canon of works included such classics as The Sorrows of Young Goatse, Faust, The Pied Piper of Hamlin, "Good Night Moon", and "The Empire Strikes Back". The Latter two works were drawn from periods of Goethe's life that were uninteresting, inconsequential to the course of history, and chronicled elsewhere.
- Goete is NICHT something charities always ask you to give to poor people at christmas time.
- Goete is NICHT an instruction to fat people ordering them to "Go Eat"
- Goete has NICHT been given lovebites from the Umlaut Monster
- Goethe is NICHT written like Goete.
- Goethe is NICHT the ruminant with the beard.
List of ladies Goethe slept with
Miss von Stein, Miss Buff, this chick in Rome, this French pastor's daught...
Err... let's try the reverse, shall we?
List of ladies Goethe did not sleep with
The above certainly not for lack of trying.
Goethe in popular culture
- In Chicago, the true etymology of his name can be found. He is named after the street called Goethe Street, as in "Go eathy, children ith playing here."