“I wouldn't be caught dead with a mustache like that”
Friedrich Wilhelm "Reach-Around" Nietzsche (rhymes with "pietzsche", "mietzsche", or "tietzsche" and not to be confused with the British pronunciation of "tkczienschtzsche"; October 15, 1844 – August 25, 1900), also known as the "Morrissey" of German philosophy, was a man most noted for his suave demeanor and impressive sexual prowess.
Nietzsche is persistently mistaken as a German philosopher, psychologist, and classical phailologist, but he was actually a psychic superhero and could fly using telepathy. He was also known most of all for his acidic attacks on Marxist-socialist, Buddhist, liberal, egalitarian with neofeminist ideologies. Nietzsche found equality and egalitarianism as signs of decadence and the key ingredient to people sleeping in late and holding pseudo intellectual debates with smug people in Starbucks. He never had much time for Christianity, Judaism or Baseball, as he considered them all signs of moral decay. If he belonged to anything it was the unofficial Church of Plato but he rarely paid a subscription or went to their annual fancy dress party.
This all around curmudgeonly German writer's work made psychotic grumpiness and unhygienic living habits a badge of intellectual rigour. However, unlike his imitators, Nietzsche is surprisingly readable since he wrote very large, sometimes only using a few words per page, and this has led his work to be misinterpreted by common morons and as such identified with Philosophical Romanticism, Nihilism, Anti-semitism, and even The War on the Future. Nietzsche himself vociferously denied such tendencies in his work, even to the point of denying his own existence and God's. Despite his shortcomings as a philosopher, Friedrich was a widely-famed drinking instructor, as there was nothing he couldn't teach about the raising of the wrist. Nietzsche was also known for his hatred of Richard Wagner, mainly because Wagner supposedly twice threw Nietzsche's copy of Oedipus Rex at a mother-fixated waiter in a Denver Denny's (it happened to be his mother too).
Nietzsche is also known for his anti-American philosophy. His sister Itzy-Bitzy Nietzsche published his notes on America as a book called The Will to Willy posthumously. Academics have been arguing over whether or not Nietzsche was in fact anti-American ever since. It is thought that his unrequited infatuation with Ralph Waldo Emerson may have swayed his opinion against the militarist proto-superpower but then again, perhaps not.
He was born October 15, 1844 in Röcken, Germany, and his birth inspired the use of "Rock Dots" in heavy metal band names. The Millerites prophesied something would happen during that week. They thought Nietzsche was the Messiah until he read Schopenhauer, and immediately started dissing God. The real doubts came when he changed beer and wine into water. As a child prodigy of 11, Nietzsche began lecturing and writing in ancient Greek, Hebrew,Urdu,Persian, French Creole and Tamil, about the need for more German graphic novels, with more Viking and Jewish action heroes to battle each other.
Friedrich lived a troubled adolescence, stemming from both the intense difficulty he had in spelling his own name, and his inexplicable fear of exclamation points! As a world famous romantic and ape-aficionado, The Nietzsche is probably most well known for often-heard, but less often-attributed, quotes: Monkeys and Apes Are People, Too and As long as you have chaos in your heart, you will give birth to a dancing monkey!
In 1865, Germany invaded Vietnam. As a result, in 1869 Nietzsche and Richard Wagner co-wrote the opera, Antichrist Now, whose main character was modeled on the deranged psychopath King Leopold II of Belgium. It should have been the start of a great partnership but Wagner chose to go with Stephanie Powers in the mediocre Hart to Hart series.
Friedrich Nietzsche,” The Neech Man" or "The Nietzchizzle my dizzle" for short, as he preferred to be called, was largely overlooked during his short, painful and somewhat itchy life, which ended at the age of 55 with a vicious mauling at the hands of an enraged orangutan named Hans. Hans discovered Nietzsche had dissed Jesus biographer and orangutan caretaker David Strauss in The Untimely Meditations. Hans could not read, but could understand spoken German.
The idiosyncratic nature of The Nietzsche's prose style (which abounds in the kind of infectious urban slang that has given rise over the years to such literary gems as: oh no you didn't, you know what I'm sayin, and badonkadonk) has not prevented the spawning (or biting) of his style by sucker emcees who couldn't bust a rhyme to save they skin. Better check yourselves, foo's; The Nietzsche will take it on back and play it again, put his name down, flip it, and reverse it - make no mistake, The Nietzsche will school you fools on the meaning of pain.
The last few years of Nietzsche's life were marked by his lawsuit involving Superman and DC comics, which didn't actually exist at the time of his writings, but DC made enough money in the year 2312 to build a time machine and went back in time to sue Nietzsche for screwing DC out of copyrights to Superman in Germany where he is known as "Zuterman" (which roughly translates as "inflatable penis"). However, according to some continuities, Nietzsche then created a clone of himself in the more distant future to defend any further attacks on his hegemony.
Nietzsche once got in to a fight with Michel Foucault. Nietzsche got the take down and proceeded with ground and pound. Foucault suffered extreme brain damage. Foucault then went on to become a very successful sociologist. However, most analysts of his work are now convinced that the incomprehensible nonsense in his books is a result of the massive head injuries inflicted by Nietzsche. His comment after the fight was "I want to have my lion and my eagle about me, which I may always have hints and premonitions concerning the amount of my strength” and “There is something laughable about the sight of authors who enjoy the rustling folds of long and involved sentences".
Right before he fell into insanity, he hugged a man's horse who had been flogged repeatedly. Nietzsche wept like a little girl as he embraced the animal, simultaneously realizing that he'd never become the Übermensch. He believed that his magical tears would ease the horse's pain. It did not and Nietzsche lived out his last years in the locked basement of his sister's house, chained to the wall and believing he was Prometheus about to have his innards pulled out by a hungry sparrow.
Nietzsche has written many books, including The Science of Happiness, Electric Freedom Rainbow, Super-Sparkly Purple Unicorns, and various articles for men on picking just the right lingerie for one's skin tone. Here are some more of Nietzsche's well-known pieces:
- The Birth of Tragedy: Soulseek: in this book, Nietzsche analyzes the effects of P2P programs on the life of teenagers and points to Indie Rock as the start of the end.
- Also Slap Zarathustra: while entertaining a BDSM relationship with his good friend's mother, Nietzsche suddenly got an insight which brought him to an instantaneous Nirvana after which he realized he wasn't Nietzsche, but the anagram of it - which goes "Zarathustra". It is with this insight that Zarathustra-Nietzsche found out that in any satisfactory BDSM relationship with your friend's mom, you should not only slap her, but get slapped by her as well. Hailed as an unsurpassed masterpiece of egalitarianism, it was later on used by Virginia Woolf to promote feminist agendas at pro-choice rallies. Unfortunately, this masterpiece received little recognition in his own lifetime, as reflected in the alleged self-portrait on the right.
- Human, Way Far Too Much Exceedingly Human: In this momentous book of 7,303 pages (abridged versions of only five pages are available), Nietzsche speaks of the many advantages of being a deity. He argues that God can find much better jobs than humans can, needs no plumbers on weekends, and that his job is so good that he sticks to it a lil' too much, being thus a clear cause of unemployment. Hailed by Karl Marx as the quintessential work against the many evils of Capitalism, was later on seized by the Nazis, who read of it only Karl Marx's introduction, as a manifesto of subversion (they changed their minds when they realized that the first 7,203 pages were not by Nietzsche, but were Karl Marx's introduction - alas, then it was too late already, and the war derived from this unfortunate misunderstanding was coming to an unexpected closing). It is because of this book that Nietzsche has been accused so many times of having been the cause of World War II.
- The Fag Science: This book is a tale of homosexual erotica about social scientists. Not often mentioned at universities and colleges for obvious reasons.
- The Twilight of the Toilets: A book renowned today as a monument to the no global strife for a clean environment, this compelling pamphlet is the reason why bathrooms in bars are today far cleaner they were at Nietzsche's times. When G.W.Bush refused to sign the Kyoto Treaty on 1891, he was attacked by the great writer and Nietzschean follower Michael Moore using the very same arguments Nietzsche used in this terrific book: "If you cannot keep clean your toilet, keep at least paper and waste in your courtyard" - a compelling argument that smashed G.W.Bush to the degree he was about to miss re-election (which he re-won by mistake).
- Beyond Pelvis and Elvis: Another "compelling" book where Nietzsche proved that you cannot move your pelvis like Elvis, if you are in a bad mood. A landmark of metaphysical thought: it is famous the sentence "Go beyond this and that, if you don't like this and that. But for God's sake, move on, and make a goddamn decision!” The must read for any tiptoe dancer.
- Unbecoming Considerations: Hailed as the best manifesto ever against literary censorship, this book composed of four essays spreading throughout 2,000 utterly blank pages, is a distressing and harrowing denunciation against the evils of Capitalism and of its die-hard oppression of free thought. Only in the last page Nietzsche wrote a line, later to become as famous as to be used as a personal motto by G. Dubya B.: "Away with the USA! Let's go to Iran, there freedom of thought exists indeed!".
- The Anti-Bush: In this compelling (again) book, Nietzsche, very annoyed by the fact that Bush used his sentences, joined the no global crusade under the banners of copyright infringements of free thoughts. After the publication of this monumental work in 18,000 pages, the now global movement declared Nietzsche its hero soon after having read the famous first two lines of it: "If I have something to say, I wouldn't say it to Mr. Bush. Away with Mr. Bush! Let's go to Iran, there freedom of thought exists indeed" Nietzsche also takes the time to lay down his "transvaluation of all values" doctrine, insisting "fat women need to stop wearing tight clothes," and "time starts now." While the latter part was generally ridiculed by the religious right, then consisting of Mitt Romney, Hillary Clinton, and Ronald McDonald, the former half was his only teaching to be generally accepted by a porn addicted public. His final attempt at acquiescence into this venue, Nietzsche loves Strauss, was confiscated after his public flogging of a horse (no bullshit) earlier in the month.
- The Will To Willy: A posthumous work, that therefore Nietzsche keeps updating only occasionally; here he says that you cannot want if you cannot wiggle a Willy. It is from here that Freud got his first idea of psychoanalysis. An amazing book of unusual mystical power, that should be read while in hospital in order to have immediate ER care if you get an attack after its first pages (several sudden and mysterious deaths of young men still holding a copy of this book in their hands, have been reported). This book also contains Nietzsche's most controversial writings on America. A must read. Five thumbs up!
The Death of God
In 1984 A.D., all-times universal karate champion Chuck Norris, during his service as a Time Cop, assigned himself to a mission a hundred years back in time to solve the philosophical controversy regarding the Death of God. As a matter of fact, Chuck Norris was dissatisfied with the popular quote made by Nietzsche, that "God is dead... We all killed Him!", feeling that only He deserves to be recognized as "The One Who Killed God".
He went to Nietzsche's shack in the Azure Coast mountains, to pull Friedrich's lazy ass out of deep sleep at 11:37 AM, after his long night of banging fat French whores (deemed a delicacy for dandies and other distinguished gentlemen at the time), and then provoked God the Almighty into an no-holds-barred fight to the death. The three parties assembled on St-Peter's Square, with Nietzsche standing as the witness/referee, but since the fight plunged him into deep a dementia for the rest of his life, where he only could answer to questions with a funny deranged look, little is known of the rest of the fight, aside that for several hours, it's been raining blood all over the Western World.
This illegal action led to his badge being removed by the Time Police Department, a few seconds before all the arms of the TPD officials were removed by one of Norris's power grab techniques.
“The surest way to corrupt a youth is to make him read Sartre.”
– Nietzsche on homosexuals
“So you want to live 'according to nature?' Fuck off hippy!”
“SUPPOSING that Truth is a woman--what then? How does one remove its panties?”
– Nietzsche on truth
“Madness is the exception in individuals but the rule in American individuals.”
– Nietzsche on Americans
“That which does not grill us makes us browner.”
– Nietzsche on cooking
“Holy fucking Christ, that's the biggest fucking ant I've ever seen.”
– Nietzsche on an ant
It is a well known fact that Nietzsche, like most 19th century German philosophers of Polish descent, spent much of his time on IRC. While previously unpublished, the following chatlog was recently released to us by Nietzsche's moustache.
Nietzsche: God is dead.
***Nietzsche is idle***
***Nietzsche has quit (Connection reset by pneumonia.)
God: Pwn3d B!tch.
The surprising thing about this fragment is that much of Nietzsche's confusion in this matter could have been avoided if he had simply reviewed the earlier logs, where it was established that God was simply away. Note particularly the following excerpt:
Jesus: BRB LOL
***Jesus sets mode: +o Holy_Spirit
- The son of German minimalists, Nietzsche was given no first name just like Prince, Bono, Cher or Ted McGinley. He sometimes went by "Fred" or "The Nitzscherator".
- Nietzsche's works are seen frequently in the videogame Halo. Some have confused this with Final Fantasy, but it is highly unlikely that they are related.
- Nietzsche was People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive," 1893
- It is impossible to spell Nietzsche incorrectly.
- Nietzsche had his snack food company, 'Über-Munch'. The best-selling product was the Will-to-Powerbar.
- It is reported that only Arnold Schwarzenegger could beat Nietzsche's record of sexual harassment lawsuits.
- Consipiracy theorists claim Xenosaga's creator might be Nietzsche's second incarnation as the overman (followed by Proto-Hitler). This explains the doctrine of eternal recurrence by applying the title of his books throughout the games.
- Continental Philosophy
- Stalin:Man of Steel