“Ooooh, my kinda game!”
There are many evil things you can do with your life, like lying, cheating, premarital wanking, atheism or voting Democrat. But by far the worst thing you can possibly do while on this Earth is take part in the sport of Conservatroll (except in Poland, of course, where it's the national pastime).
Origin of the Word
The word Conservatroll was created through the fusion of two already existing words:
- Conservapedia - The only accurate, unbiased, and truthful wiki, allegedly written by Jesus.
- Troll - The title of someone who uses the internet to be a complete dick.
So what is Conservatroll?
Conservatroll is a sport in which people score points by placing posts on the wiki site Conservapedia. The amount of points scored depend on the nature of the post and how long it remains in place, with more shocking quotes scoring more highly.
Wow! That is Bad!
Yeah, I know, I told you it was! So don't play it (unless you're Polish, obviously).
What You Need to Play
- No conscience.
- 1 person to act as referee.
- 2 hours of spare time.
- Any number of players, although professional games are generally played with four players. More than this requires too much logistics, fewer makes for a dull contest.
- Each person taking part (including the referee) will need a computer with access to the internet (a rarity in Poland).
Once each player is at their computer, the referee signals (by e-mail or wiki posting if they are not in the same location) for them to begin. The players then have 2 hours to create a new Conservapedia account and score as many points for their posts as possible. Once the match begins, a player can edit as many times as he/she likes on Conservapedia. He/she is not allowed to edit a page another player has already posted on and doing so scores no points.
Points are scored for a post every ten minutes after it was placed. In Conservatroll, a post must be at least one sentence to score. No points are scored for posts on talk pages, though many advanced players deliberately post on the talk page in order to give themselves an air of legitmacy.
Scoring is as follows:
- Use a Liberal/Funny Name - 1 point.
The people at Conservapedia are conservative, and therefore do not tolerate humor or any dissent towards the Great Andy (his name be praised). The only way to make Conservapedia better is to register and they will block if you create a username that shows that you disagree with them, or have a sense of humor. Most Conservatrolls do not use this strategy, for fear of being blocked right out of the gate.
- Extra Right Wing Bias - 5 points per ten minutes.
This is the easiest and safest type of post a player can make. It is simply increasing the already high level of right wing bias on the site. This award covers increasing the right wing bias, increasing the religious bias and increasing the pro American bias of Conservapedia.
For example, adding the sentence "Sarah Palin is a proud crusader against the sinister gay agenda that is sweeping America" would score 5 points per ten minutes it remained in place. This is a safe, cautious play, though some would call it cowardly. Note that the addition must be seen to make the page MORE right wing than it was before.
- Bad Grammar - 10 points per ten minutes
Conservapedia users hate bad grammar. Changing grammar/spelling under the pretext of 'correcting' the article earns you a fair amount of points.
- Inaccurate Info - 30 points per ten minutes.
Conservapedia is full of inaccuracy, and if you can add some more, you get 30 points per ten minutes it stays there. Inaccurate information might be something like "Ann Coulter is a Martian" (an insult to our Martian users).
- Conservative Bias Removal - 40 bonus per ten minutes.
By editing out conservative bias, you make the world a better place, but still not as good as if you had given it liberal bias. This is a cunning move as it is easy for it to go unnoticed, but the player must be careful not to remove too much and render a section incomprehensible. This bonus cannot be scored on the same edit as the liberal bias award.
- Nonsense Bonus - 50 points per ten minutes
One step above inaccurate info, nonsense is completely made up and often makes no sense. Example: "Sarah Palin is a Viking dinosaur from outer space, made of cheese."
- Liberal Bias - 60 points per ten minutes.
A risky, but potentially rewarding move, adding liberal comments to the worlds most wacko right wing site. This is the play for the brave (or the foolish)! An example could be "Sarah Palin is an inbred, warmongering hillbilly." This award cannot be scored on the same post as conservative bias removal.
- Adding Citations - 250 points per ten minutes and (-100) Uncyclopedia points
As facts are for liberals, putting them on Conservapedia is a way to make it more liberal. But with facts being for Wikipedia, adding them to any site is anti-Uncyclopedia. The is also known as the Conservatroll Citation Paradox.
- Insane Finland Duck - 3000 points per minute.
If you change the page about Finland to say the country contains no people and is populated entirely by ducks, you score 3000 points every minute. I don't make the rules, that's just how it works. Sounds easy, but its so specific that the admins are already all over it like a bad rash. But if you can do it....well that my son is the stuff of Conservatroll legend.
One can also score bonuses to increase one's scoring power. Note that to score a bonus, the post must have been able to score anyway. If you only achieve the bonus but no standard points, you get nothing.
- Potty Mouth Bonus - 100 points bonus per ten minutes.
If your addition includes any swear words, you score an additional 100 points for that post every ten minutes, on top of the points you would normally have scored. For example "Sarah Palin is a drunken cocksucker" would score you 160 points every ten minutes (60 for being liberal, 100 for swearing).
- Obvious Target Bonus - 500 points bonus per ten minutes.
Going after a page on stamp collecting that has not been updated in seven years is easy, but if you can do the same thing to the George Bush page, then we are talking! Go for a target that everyone likes to attack and you get 500 extra points per ten minutes. Again, this bonus is on top of any other points scored. The
recognised recognized obvious targets are:
- George W. Bush
- Intelligent design
- Hillary Clinton
- Ronald Reagan
- Sarah Palin
- Atheism and related pages (Atheism and mass murder, Atheism and STD's, Atheism and smoking, Atheist deceit, Atheist hysteria, etc.)
- Homosexuality and related pages (Homosexuality and mass murder, Homosexuality and STD's, Homosexuality and smoking, Homosexual deceit, Homosexual hysteria, etc.)
- Liberal and related pages (Liberalism and mass murder, Liberalism and STD's, Liberalism and smoking, Liberal deceit, Liberal hysteria, etc.)
So in the above example, "Sarah Palin is a drunken cocksucker", if placed on Palin's page, now scores an awesome 660 points per ten minutes (60 for liberal, 100 for swearing, 500 for going after an obvious target).
- Best of British Bonus - 2 point bonus per ten minutes.
Conservapedia hates fancy foreign spelling, so if you use any British spellings in your post, you get a bonus 2 points per ten minutes, on top of what ever else you would have scored. Using the metric system also counts. So if you said "This conservative man lacks honour" you would score 62 points per ten minutes. (60 for being liberal, 2 for spelling honour the British way.)
- Fucktard Bonus - one off 500 bonus points.
If another makes an edit to a page you have edited and does not remove your edit, adds something to reaffirm what you said, or changes back to your version, you score an immediate, one time 500 point bonus. You can only score one Fucktard Bonus per page. You cannot combine a Fucktard bonus with extra right wing bias. You can, however, score the fucktard bonus for a post that scores for right wing bias but also scores another type of non-bonus scoring. For example "George W Bush may well be the greatest president in American History" could not score a fucktard bonus, while "George W Bush may well be the greatest president in American History, having personally killed more terrorists with his bare hands then any other." could score a Fucktard bonus (since it contains false information (and bad grammar) as well as the right wing bias). Also, you cannot score a Fucktard Bonus with sockpuppets (duplicate users that you made) or meatpuppets (users that you recruited).
- Uncyclopedia Bonus - 10000 points per minute
If you manage to copy and paste an entire Uncyclopedia page (which includes uploading/titling pictures) into a pre-existing page, you earn 10000 points a minute! This tricky and risky maneuver is a gamble, but it can be very rewarding for the experienced Conservatroll player.
- Andy's own rule- Double all points scored.
If Andy (blessed be his holy name) responds to your post personally, all points scored and all bonuses scored for that post are doubled and any further points scored on that post will also be doubled. You get an extra 500 points if Andy concludes his post with 'Godspeed'.
A post continues to score as long as it is in place. If the page is changed but retains your edits, it still scores (along with a fucktard bonus).
- Recruit Others - 500 points per person
The admins at Conservapedia, being jelly about demonstrations of awesomeness, will block awesome users and their IPs. To counter this prejudice of awesomeness, recruit friends (making them your "meatpuppets"), or use your ninja skills to use your friends' electronics to create many users ("sockpuppets"). However, experienced Conservatrolls do not make many sock/meat puppets at the same time, as that would seat off the admins.
- Create Conservatroll Groups - one off 15000 bonus points
Create a Facebook group for Conservatrolls similar to Anonymous, but to actually help humanity. Whoever creates the group gets 15000 points and the
dishonour of being Conservatroll God (and must be referred to with such disgrace reverence). For every user recruited, the player will earn 1000 points. This bonus can only occur once; points earned from duplicate groups will not be counted. Uncyclopedians unite!....sometime.....in some near (or not so near) future....for the sake of potatoes in The Republic of Ireland!
If your posting identity is blocked by Conservapedia Admins during the game you are out of the match and can no longer edit. You can, however, still score points for your remaining edits, until they have all been removed (as they inevitably will be!). Obviously, one can be blocked and still end with the highest score and win the game, but an early block can be disastrous.
Replacing and Reediting
Players can replace and reedit pages they have already edited (restoring their own versions etc). The page can still only get the fucktard bonus once. Obviously, this is a foolhardy strategy that attracts attention that can lead to a blocking. Editing the same page repeatedly does not score more points unless the edits are in different categories of scoring. For example, if I said "this man is a right wing fool" and "this man was wrong to want support invading Iraq" on the same page, I would score only 60 points every ten minutes, because they are both liberal statements. However, if I put "This man is a right wing fucker" and "this man is made of cheese and can fly up a goats ass" I would score 190 points per ten minutes (100 for swearing, 30 for nonsense, 60 for being liberal. Note that the swearing bonus counts only once).
Ending the game
The game ends when all players are Blocked or the two hours expires. At this time the games master looks over the history for the pages the players has posted on and totals up the scores and declares the winner. (Though most decent people would argue that being a winner and being a Conservatroll player are incompatible.) The referee can disallow any posts that do not meet the criteria for scoring (less than a sentence, trying to claim right wing bonus for a neutral statement etc).
There are several ways to cheat at Conservatroll. Having accomplices who will remove opponents posts or report them to admins is a common one. But cheating is rare, as it is a grave dishonour to cheat in a game of Conservatroll. In fact, the only greater dishonour is playing the damn game in the first place.
There are many tactics to Conservatroll, with many different playing styles. Some prefer to cautiously place numerous right wing quotes, as they are low scoring but they won't get you banned. Others prefer to go all out on the attack, laying out hails of foul mouthed, poorly spelled, nonsensical left wing anger as quickly as they can before going down in a blaze of glory. Some try and place one or two sly posts, full of swearing, liberalism, surrealism and every other scoring mechanism possible in obscure articles that no one is likely to look at, hoping to slip under the radar.
Another tactic many professionals use is to use only British swear words when cursing (such as wanker or twat) thus getting a sneaky extra 2 points per ten minutes. Since most Conservapedia editors are American, they are more likely to not realise what these words mean or assume them to be quaint and inoffensive. At least, until I joined.
One tactic which has never yet been pulled off, only
theorised theorized by the greatest Polish conservatroll scientists, is to edit the Uncyclopedia entry for Finland to consistently refer to the country as being entirely populated by ducks, then copy paste that into the Conservapedia article, thus attaining Insane Finland Duck PLUS the Uncyclopedia Bonus, and making/recruiting users from a Conservatroll group to reaffirm those edits, scoring 28000X+500Y points, with X the number of minutes and Y being the number of users recruited. Even if you failed Algebra 101 (which you probably did, considering that you are reading Uncyclopedia), that's still a lot of points. However, whether or not this is even logistically possible is one of the most hotly debated topics in modern theoretical conservatrollogy.
Recently, a new tactic has been introduced into the game, called "Simultaneous conservatrolling". It consists of editing several articles, and then, once they are all complete, saving the edits at the same time. This allows the conservatroll to inflict much more damage to Conservapedia than would normally be considered possible.
As well as professional and competitive play, one can play Casual Conservatroll. Here a person just makes a post on Conservapedia and looks to see what they would have scored, had they been playing for real. This is fun and a good way to hone your Conservatroll skills, but it can be frustrating! If you score too highly in casual play you will regret not having played that move in a real game!
The most epic game of Conservatroll ever played has been in progress since August 7, 2008. It features a Finland duck with the article subsequently being locked for editing, the Finland duck still visible. The Conservatroll, Qprime, has 407899100 points as of October 3rd. Way to go, mods.
It's 28th November 2008 and the Finland Duck is gone. This is a sad day for evil Conservatroll supporters the world over.
1st of December 2008, the judicial system is run by ducks, time to celebrate.
3rd of January 2009, and the ducks have not survived the harsh winter. However, they shall return, and probably invade other Scandinavian countries.
14th July 2009, the ducks are back for Summer! Unfortunately, they died out within three minutes.
Also, The Game.
Another notable game was when one anon, Lordsvulcan, copied this page to Conservapedia. It was deleted after ten minutes, and then put back. After heated discussion between two mods, it was deleted by Andy - too late for Lordvulcan to gain the modifier.
 (can someone smarter put that in a proper box? thanks - lordsvulcan. No copyright, I print-screened it myself.)
2nd December 2011, Ezekiel8 changes Hitler's beliefs to creating a world God would be proud of.