HowTo:Cook Arseburger Tikka Masala

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A reasonably intelligent way of trying to get some pig arse for your burger.
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Since an introduction to repeat what the article title already states would be pointless and diminish the quality of the article in some serious way, we will skip all introductions and get right on with it.

Most of us have probably cooked several arseburgers in our time, so the trick seems just to add the Tikka Masala into it, right? Wrong! Terribly wrong! The following two sections provide the reader with such simple, comprehensive instructions for cooking a high quality Arseburger Tikka Masala that even a kitchen novice will be able to follow them and surprise his friends with his (or her, yes) culinary proficiency.

Note: if you accidentally burn your dick in the kitchen, it certainly is not our fault. Uncyclopedia and the writer of this article want it to be understood that if you enter a kitchen, you do so at your own risk and waive all complaining rights, not to mention the right to demand compensation from anyone except maybe your mom. Seriously, if you want to read this article with the purpose of suing us after "accidentally" burning your dick, we will sue you. What you are planning is inhuman towards yourself and the world at large. Also, think again: would you really want to read the headlines? Kitchen is not a playground for those who want to walk about the house with their dicks out. Be warned.



  • a tablespoon of cooking salt. The size of the portion depends on the size of your table.
  • two teaspoons of eggs. If you don't know what eggs are: they are things that drop out of a chicken's cloaca.
  • a snifter of flour.
  • some pig arse
  • more salt
  • pepper, onions, whatever you find in the cupboard. Milk, maybe?
  • time
  • Tikka Masala sauce or the like
  • hamburger buns, some taco bread, a piece of pita, or any other bread in slices. As long as it's mostly wheat it will make something resembling a hamburger if you don't look too closely. Even barley goes if you don't have to eat it yourself.


Set the bread aside for later. Mince the piece of pig arse into a grainy, greasy mass. Chop everything else into small pieces or throw the whole thing into a grinder if you have one. Mix the ingredients (with a grinder or without) into a sticky, thick dough. If it's too runny, add something a bit less runny, like wheat flour for instance. Pat the dough into cakes. Determine the size of the cakes to fit nicely between two slices of the bread you have. Fry the cakes and call them hamburger steaks - this will transform them into those just like it does in hamburger restaurants. Slap some mayonnaise and whatever you like onto a slice of bread and add a freshly christened hamburger steak. Add another slice of bread on the other side of the hamburger steak.

Final steps: Eat the arseburger and clean up the mess before anyone else comes home. You don't want to get charged with gross incompetence at ordinary household work, do you?



  • 1 huge hog, as yet unprepared but already slightly wary
  • any other ingredients you might find in your sorry kitchen
  • mail order Tikka Masala (important! Without this it will be just an ordinary arseburger!)


  • a gun, preferably an elephant gun
  • failing to get a gun, an optimist might go about it with a crowbar, an axe, a shovel, or the like


  • If you have the gun, shoot the hog and prepare the arseburger the same way you would do in the "theory" section
  • If you have any lesser weapon, go into the pigsty, attack the hog the best you can, and get gored.