Haida
“ OH FUCK! THEY'RE HERE”
“COPYCATS!”
“NO YOU!”
The Haidas (X̱aayda) are easily one of the most BADASS American Indian Canadian Aboriginal (wait, there are a few in Alaska) tribes, for sure. They were basically the Vikings of the Pacific Northwest, they even used to dress similarly. Maybe you could even call the Vikings the "Haidas of Europe." Fucking impersonators-- the two societies now argue amongst one other about who is superior. The Haidas live on the Queen Charlotte Islands of British Columbia, or the Haida Gwaii as they call the islands. To this day the Haidas have begged the public to start calling the islands by this name, but instead the ol' whiteys began to know them as the "Charlottes" instead.
WHO WOULD WIN? HAIDAS VS. VIKINGS[edit | edit source]
| Category | Haidas | Vikings | Winner |
|---|---|---|---|
| Battle cry: | HIDEY HAY HAIDA HO!!! | YAAARGH!!! AARRGH!!! | Haidas |
| Sworn enemies: | Tlingits, Tsimshians, Bella Coolas, Kwakiutls, Bella Bellas, Nootkas, Nisquallies, Makahs, Sugpiaq, Anglo settlers, basically everyone | Anglo-Saxons, Teutons, Finns, Byzantine Greeks, Franks, Slavs, Visigoths, Skraelings, basically everyone | Tie |
| Boats: | Long boats (dugout canoes filled with water and hot rocks to prepare them, then painted over with funky patterns) | Long boats (have sails and badass dragon heads) | Whose is longer? |
| Houses: | Long houses | Long houses | IDK |
| Plagiarism: | Began seafaring pillaging "adventures" circa 2,000 B.C. | Began seafaring pillaging "adventures" circa 793 A.D. | Haidas |
| Reputation: | Uhh, what? (not quite what they deserve!) | Oh shit oh fuck oh crap | Vikings |
WINNER: Undecida (rhymes with Haida)[edit | edit source]
History[edit | edit source]
So some time around 15,000 B.C, back during the ice age, maybe back when the dinosaurs or something were still alive, maybe, give or take a few... thousand... years, the three "grandmothers" of the Haida apparently came to the Queen Charlotte Islands Haida Gwaii. Their names were Foam Woman, Creek Woman and Ice Woman. Oh boy, people were bad at making interesting names back then!
After that, the Haidas had a fun time pillaging villages, making everyone afraid of them, enslaving prisoners, raping women, and all that good stuff.
Good times. But everything changed when some Spanish guy and the Brits attacked. And then all the Haidas died for some reason. I don't know what happened, they just died.
So, eventually a few Haidas moved to Alaska, as if their own home wasn't fucking cold enough.
Nowadays, the Haidas always have something to fuss about, but are too afraid to start a full-on raid the old fashioned way, because they know well that a full-on raid would fuck their own little tribe up big-time. They're all protesting about reasonable things like the logging of their ancient forests and building of oil pipelines, as well as about stupid things like what outsiders call their islands. Anyway, these new tactics aren't exactly that effective, how the mighty truly have fallen.
Culture[edit | edit source]
The Haidas seem to be one big league of copycats. They've plagiarized the Viking lifestyle (ok, maybe this was actually the other way around and the Vikings plagiarized the Haidas, but here on Uncyclopedia bias and misleading claims are our best friends! :D). But anyway, they also copied that funny totem-pole art style (known as "formline" to 1% of people) from the BC mainlanders, and the French art of protesting everything. The only truly original thing that the Haidas have created is their language, which is absolute gibberish (an idea that itself was possibly stolen from the Basques). What, you can invent something without knowing that someone else on the other side of the world had already done it? Fuck it, I don't give a shit. In recent years, the Haidas have become massive weeaboos, and they also made their own version of manga (obviously copied from the Japanese, who themselves ripped off Western comic books and made them backwards). So much for cultural appropriation, I guess.
The Haidas participate in another copied-and-pasted ritual called the Potlatch. Nobody knows who thought of the Potlatch, but it probably wasn't the Haidas. Then, funny enough this time around, the "Wáasans" copied the Potlatch and created their own thing called the White Elephant. Ok, maybe there are similar traditions all over the world, but who the fuck cares?