“The GameHypercube will revolutionize the way people see video game consoles in more than one way at once.”
“Oh for fuck's sake, come on, it doesn't even exist. Are you guys trying anymore?”
“I will break you.”
The GameHypercube was Nintendo's unsuccessful follow-up to the GameCube. It was Nintendo's 129th system after the creation of the Nintendo 128. Blame for the system's failure is usually placed on its unconventional 4D shape that renders it completely unviewable to the human eye. This problem would later be tackled by the PlayStation 3.
The GameHypercube was originally unveiled at E3 in the year 2006. The announcement was quietly slipped in during Satoru Iwata's keynote address. Many attendees were so amazed by the complexity of the system that they were unable to document it, and all cameras currently recording the conference mysteriously blanked out for exactly the amount of time it took to introduce the GameHypercube.
Among its features were the abilities to convert math problems into light, the power to reverse the space-time continuum (advanced models only), and the previously unheard of ability to reticulate splines.
The GameHypercube had immediate critics, most notably former Nintendo CEO Bruce Springsteen. The most immediate complaints included the limitations brought about by a human's inability to see in 4D and the price point of $800,000 for a single game. Critics were also confused by the system's lack of any games to begin with. The system instead featured infomercials and, in later versions, still images of Abe Vigoda. The inclusion of Abe Vigoda was seen as a pitiful attempt at reclaiming a lost market.
When it launched 1 second after being announced, the GameHypercube sold 10 systems before being completely discontinued the next day. Because of the insane profit margin (they literally cost nothing to produce), it is often considered to be Nintendo's greatest success of all time, despite the fact that 99.9% of consoles remain unsold.
The GameHypercube's controller was operated entirely through the use of teeth. This limited the games (if any existed) to one-button gameplay with no control over movement. Reviewers were also unable to connect a second controller to it, as the corresponding port is used by all four games to emanate smell instead.
The GameHypercube launched with four games. A Resident Evil game, initially announced to be an exclusive, was later silently moved to Capcom's own console, the Splorgenborg.
- Super Mario White-water Rafting Adventure
- StarCraft: Ghost
- Mario Party 4D
Disputes over existence
Many historians are unsure as to whether or not games actually exist for the Nintendo GameHypercube. As no store has even stocked the games, and the games are equally as intangible as the system itself, there is no way to confirm the existence of any games claimed to be made by Nintendo.
A copy of Baseball was recently spotted being played by Elvis Presley, adding credibility to Nintendo's statements.
Rumors say that Nintendo still plans to release games for the GameHypercube, among them a true sequel to Q. No source has been able to confirm this, probably because everyone thought Q was a piece of shit.
According to business insiders, a baseball game is currently being made for the Wii U, clearly a tribute to the GameHypercube launch title Baseball.
|APERTURE SCIENCE : GUIdos - Video Game Console Viewing Module|