Djarum
Djarums™ are a popular brand of clove cigarettes manufactured in Indonesia and owned by the PT Djarum™ Company. What makes them better than traditional cigarettes is, not only their significant price hike, but also the addition of two secret ingredients: fiberglass and clove. Clove, first accidentally discovered by Indonesian-Latino mink farmers in 1847, not only tastes delicious but also is proven to help one fight evil, withstand starvation, outrun smaller mammals, run for President, and mantain a healthy mind/body image.
Djarums™ come in several varieties, but the variety smoked by "true" Djarum™ smokers (true Djarum™ smokers being the highest and most upper of the upper-class Djarum™ smoking community, represented by an estimated 2 or possibly 3 individuals, yet still constituting over 99% of the gross Djarum™ consumption (or GDC) of the world) are the Djarums™ Blacks.
Djarum™ Blacks[edit | edit source]
Djarum™ Blacks, so called because they are smoked only by the most refined and dignified connoisseurs, are, quite coincidentally, rolled with black paper and sold in black packaging. The clove from these is said to be more potent than that found in any other clove cigarette the world over. Such a delicacy is to be wasted on none other than a true Djarum™ smoker. While being known for their cool and calm dispositions, the only thing to ever anger (see Holocaust denial) a true Djarum™ smoker has been the misuse/mistreatment of Djarum™ Blacks. Mistreatments include: not savoring the sweet tingle of clove, wasting any amount of clove in the Djarum™, not speaking with passion on behalf of the Djarums™ being smoked, not smoking enough Djarums™, not smoking Djarums™ frequently enough, smoking Djarums™ only to pretend to be a true Djarum™ smoker, not offering a Djarum™ to any true Djarum™ smoker in the room at the time of Djarum™ smoking, not Djaruming™ a Djarum™ when it has obviously already become sldkfnksjfksjfklsdjfkjsdkfjskljfksjfklsjdfklajdklfjskljfiawejriej skjfksdjf sjfskjfksdjfksjdfksjdkfljskdfjksdjfksjdfksjdfkljsdf skdfjksldjf sdkfjskjf sdjfksdjf ksjdfksdjfkajslkfjiwejrijfskdjfkasljfiojfksjdfksjfksdjfjlDjarum™, Djarum™ Djarum™ Djarum™ Djarum™ Djarum™, et cetera.
Of course, simply following these guidelines cannot make one a true Djarum™ smoker, this title can only truly be bestowed by another true Djarum™ smoker and can be revoked at any time; as such, any of these rules can be broken by a true Djarum™ smoker as long as he has the unspoken consent of a fellow true Djarum™ smoker.
Additionally, Djarum™ cigarettes also contain a mild anasthetic chemical known as "eugenol." The true Djarum™ smoker is always aware of the effect of the eugenol, which is said to numb the throat, diminish the gag reflex and generally make smoking more enjoyable for the beholder and all those within a ~50-yard radius (range contingent on clove potency). Eugenol grows on eugenol trees exclusively in the non-existent rolling green pastures on the outskirts of Vantaa, Finland. This is generally believed to account for the exorbitant price of Djarums, as they are manufactured in Indonesia, however the logistics of shipping the prized chemical overseas prevent lucrative trade except during the Finlanders' overseas sex tour off-season.
Djarum™ Logic[edit | edit source]
When a true Djarum™ smoker is smoking Djarums™ (or even when he is not smoking Djarums™ because he is always smoking Djarums™ because he is a true Djarum™ smoker so even when he isn't smoking Djarums™ he doesn't have to worry about that because he is smoking Djarums™ because he always smokes Djarums™) he comes to possess a "Djarum™ logic". The above parenthetical statement is, of course, a perfect example of Djarum™ logic. It is logic that is not real logic because real logic is wrong because Djarum™ logic is the real logic so real logic is not Djarum™ logic because Djarum™ logic is real logic and real logic is wrong. Djarum™ logic is always correct but only true Djarum™ smokers are ever aware of this paradigm (see Schwarzenegger paradigm) and, as such, Djarum™ logic is often wasted on the ears of people who are not true Djarum™ smokers (see moron). However, this does not dissuade true Djarum™ smokers from using this form of logic with pride, and in fact, some of the most famous and exemplary true Djarum™ smokers can have conversations in Djarum™ logic for hours at a time. Currently, the US government has banned the unfiltered versions of Kreteks. This is a mass conspiracy, as the unfiltered clove cigarettes are the most healthy!!! They use old, natural recipes to create them, unlike American cigarettes, which are laden with a chemical slurry that would kill any animal on earth. Long Live The Kretek....God Bless America.
Djarums™ in History[edit | edit source]
Djarums™ were the key to victory in, not only the Great War of 1847 (curiously the very year the clove was discovered), but also in The Great Excommunication of Everything.
Oscar Wilde was the true historical driving force behind the Djarum™, as he did create the scrumptious kretek in B.C.X. 82917, nearly four Equinotical cycles prior to the discovery of the clove—a remarkable feat, indeed. Wilde was indisputably the most Djarum™ of the Djarumers™ and Djarumed™ more Djarums™ than anyone could Djarum™ in a Djarum™ of Djarums™.