Dear John letter

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Monday, June 11, 2018  

Dear future amnesiac self,

By the time you read this, I'll be counting to one googolplex (and I'm only at 19999 at the moment). I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but seeing you without makeup made homosexuality suddenly seem very feasible to me.

I know this might seem like a sudden turn of events to you, seeing as we made all those plans to kidnap a first-grade school class together, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but I've been stuck in this nightmare world for months now, and writing this letter is my last chance of a wake up call. I just need to engage in homicidal behavior on a massive scale. It can not be corrected but I have no other way to fulfill my needs.

I want to tell you that I think you are ...exceedingly punctual, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are under surveillance by the CIA, and I am a mother of two-and-a-half. You like fondling barnyard animals, pushing unsuspecting tourists off from very high places and watching them fall, and practicing surgery on household pests, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date other people. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I watch Aphex Twin's music video for Windowlicker and the "hot babe" turns around.

I'd really like us to become acquaintances, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, but then I woke up and realised that it was just a dream.

Take care of yourself and never forget that I know where you buried the body, and won't hesitate to contact police should the need arise.

go eat shit fuckers,

~ Hannibal Lecter.

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