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Dear Ex-Friend with Benefits,
By the time you read this, I'll be in sunny Hawaii, drinking cheaply priced beer and completing my memoirs. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but this world simply isn't big enough for the both of us. I know this might seem like a crappy thing to do to you, seeing as we made all those plans to kill any infidel swine who refuses to submit to the ways of the Holy Qur'an and our great prophet Muhammad (peace by upon him), but I just don't see things working out that way. I'm sorry about this — really. No, really. Those are teardrops on the letter, and not spittle from laughter. I just need to engage in homicidal behavior on a massive scale. It can not be corrected but I have no other way to fulfill my needs. I want to tell you that I think you are the true identity of the Zodiac Killer, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are committed, literally, and I am Republican. You like forcing naughty school children to read the Necronomicon, peeling watermelons, and watching animal porn, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date our respective parents, if only so we can feel unfaithful again. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I completely run out of other, far more important things to think about. I'd really like us to become ultranerds who always write in leet speech and use Internet abbreviations such as LOL, ITA, IIRC, YMMV and IMHO in common speech, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, nah; I'm just screwing with you. Take care of yourself and never forget all the people we've killed together.
~ Alan Smithee. |