Cowboy Curtis

One of the few known photos of Cowboy Curtis to have survived the attempted historical cover-up.

Cowboy Curtis (born Laurence Fishburne; born July 30, 1961) was among the last of a dying breed of legendary American cowboys, most noted for his antics on the popular children's show Pee-wee Herman's Playhouse, which was finally cancelled after he used a rotary canon, built by his associate Paul Reubens (alias "Pee-wee"), to level the entire playhouse and surrounding set, also killing the lead gaffer, two lackeys, the set producer, three lawmen, and several caterers. It is noted that he was aiming for the lawmen to be the sole victims, as he had witnessed them shoot and kill innocent drifters in cold blood numerous times behind the studio lot, a ritual which seemed to take place mostly at night after the gates had closed.

Little is actually known about Cowboy Curtis, as few records of his existence exist, although his alleged death was proceeded by the appearance of a mysterious self-proclaimed prophet of doom who called himself Morpheus.

Despite attempts by historians to cover up the existence of this legendary cowboy and criminal, details of his life and word of his deeds have continued to surface.

Early Life

Details of his childhood and youth are sporadic, though there is substantial evidence that he was notorious for a style of execution of rival outlaws (and lawmen) wherein he would catch them off-guard by riding swiftly past them on horseback while emptying his gun into them, or at least toward them, which may have been a strong precedent for the modern-day "drive-by" shooting methodology.

Cowboy Curtis was also known for utilizing unorthodox styles of marksmanship, such as holding the gun sideways for a less obstructed (and less accurate) view of his target and may well have been the inspiration for the John M. Southerner quote, “No man shall come around here aiming his gun sideways; endangering the throngs of casual bystanders!”

Cowboy Curtis was the only American cowboy legend to reportedly don the ill-reputed jheri curl hair style.

The phrase "squeal like a pig" can be tied to Curtis, when he allegedly cornered three wayward lawmen against a farmer's pigsty and taunted them with the phrase before ending their lives and feeding the corpses to the sty's inhabitants.

Life as a Cowboy

As a young adult, Laurence Fishburne was known by his peers as "Low-rents Fish-bum", due to a lack of personal wealth. Seeking upward mobility, he initially dedicated himself to a life of crime, not realizing that this would lead to his becoming a legendary cowboy later on. He began to loot traveling vagrants and merchants, seeming to give little regard whether they were on foot, horseback, or traveling via stage coach. Laurence even went as far as to board moving passenger and cargo trains, stealing what he could, and then bailing out. The crude methods aside, Fishburne began to accrue wealth and status and before long he became the target of Sheriff Pat Garrett, famed murderer of Billy the Kid.

Laurence had begun to experiment with the ride-by shooting method of execution and perhaps the Sheriff had been made aware, for at some point he abruptly called off the warrant and bounty on Laurence, who had around this time begun to pick up the nickname of Cowboy Curtis from locals and lawmen, perhaps due to his oddly curled hair style, which in modern times, is known as the jheri curl. Or, it could have been due to the unique curl to his lip when smiling or sneering (both expressions came off looking very similar).

It was also during this period that Curtis began to favor shooting his pistols sideways, a technique he may have learned from WWII era combat, where holding the weapon sideways caused the recoil to re-point the weapon along the horizontal, making it difficult for lawmen to determine where he would shoot next. Today, this tactic of shooting is commonly employed by gangsters. Lawmen are required by their training to keep their weapons held in an upright orientation, causing them to be less likely to hit their targets (gangsters, bystanders, etc.) due to recoil, thus giving the edge to the gangsters and criminals.

During his time as a cowboy, Curtis began having an intimate relationship with anyone he could lay hands on. Making more of himself was declared illegal and forbidden by the Arizona Sheriff's Department and, as a result, Curtis was once again wanted all over the state of Arizona.

Curtis is alleged to have initiated The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny in which he led the remnant of humanity against the machines, as well as in kicking Chuck Norris' cowboy ass.

O.K. Corral

Laurence Fishburne provided security for a time to a small town saloon, which was in the state of Arizona. One day while on patrol (i.e. laying in the grass on a hill nearby to the establishment and staring at the clouds) he heard a loud commotion coming from down a road. He went and discovered lawmen taunting and torturing some hapless drifters. Curtis became enraged but did not approach. Later, he saw the lawmen enter the saloon and quickly put a plan into action; running to a certain place where he kept his homemade and highly experimental rotary canon, which had been custom made for him and only him by an associate named Paul Reubens and, after attaching it via wagon to his horse and hauling it up the small hill which provided a vantage to the saloon, he took aim and began spraying the establishment with a hail of bullets, causing extensive damage and loss of life. After the shoot-out (read: MCI -- source redacted), he was forced to flee the town of Tombstone and was pursued by some who wanted to collect the tepid reward that had been posted for his lynching.

Death

During the summer of 1879, Cowboy Curtis was cornered in Pee-wee Herman's Playhouse outside the town of Durley by the local marshal, who had got wind of Curis' presence. The marshal allegedly ordered Curtis to surrender, which was responded to with a hail of bullets out of a rotary canon made by Curtis' associate, Paul Reubens. The marshall was struck in the shoulder and later died, but not before the canon suffered a catastrophic failure and exploded, killing Cowboy Curtis instantly. Today there are those who speculate that Cowboy Curtis had, in fact, escaped the ordeal and at some point adopted the identity of a bespoke prophet called Morpheus, who became known for his dire warnings against a coming war against machines.

History tells that Curtis could not have died in 1879 for a multitude of reasons, but primarily because:

1. He had a rotary canon that was coupled to many thousands of rounds of ammunition, which were potentially tipped with incendiary and high explosive charges.
2. The rotary canon's excursion was mostly to the side and away from the position that Curtis would have been at in order to turn the belt crank and aim the weapon.
3. His personal MySpace, which was recovered in early 2005, would lead one to the conclusion that Curtis had a rather pessimistic outlook in regard to human life. How this is salient to the above claim is not clear.

Officially, Cowboy Curtis is said to have been hung on the outskirts of a small town in northern Wyoming while trying to escape north into Canada. His body was allegedly buried and the grave site left unmarked. Allegedly.