Cake/Biscuit Uncertainty Principle
“What is this nonsense?!”
“I am not entirely certain...”
Cake/Biscuit Uncertainty Principle is a less well known variant of the popular Uncertainty Principle, developed by Werner Heisenberg, as a means to prove that the numerous cakes and biscuits that had mysteriously dissappeared from his local supermarket had not been stolen, rather, had their photographs taken. He went on to show that this shrunk the time frame describing the particles making up the aforementioned comestables, and thus they became more and more uncertain about where they were going.
This meant that they were not purplexed further when Heisenberg showed them into his Digestive system[3].
“Forget intermolecular systems, prepare to meet my Pancreas, thou unworthy savoury dish!”
Why Cake/Biscuits?[edit | edit source]
The Cake/Biscuit variant is a clear display of the talent that many Physicists have for worming their way out of tight corners (It has been noted by several Chemists that manipulating the basic laws of the universe is a debasement of science and thus is a disgrace to the profession; whereas it has been noted by the general public that they couldn't care less), and as Heisenberg himself said; there are three essential features of the Cake/Biscuit that make it unique in all of science:
- It is entirely false, therefore;
- It is entirely scientific, therefore;
- It is the word of God
Criticisms of this Rather Shocking Claim[edit | edit source]
It should of course be noted here that since this statement was made, many people have proved it wrong through the truth that there is NO GOD and thus rendering the arguement useless. Nevertheless, this did not stop the Queen of England from using it as the central focus of her traditional Christmas Speech in the years 1968 to 1974 inclusive, and every alternate year since.
The Principle in Literature[edit | edit source]
The Principle has appeared in numerous works of fiction, such as:
- Oliver Twist,
- The Oxford English Dictionary, and
- The Bible(Numbers 13:14-68)
Anti-Principalists[edit | edit source]
There have been numerous promenant public figures whom have shown their disdain towards the Principal. Here are but a few of them.[4]
“...the trouble, of course, lies within the heart of the prospect itself. Imagine if we were all to claim that blatant consumism is the way forward: what a black day that would be for us as a race...”
“Just imagine what would happen if I were to go around claiming that this computer was, in fact, uncertain as to whether it crashed or not!”
“It's just a motherfucking cake guys!”
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Oscar 'Cake-Squasher' Wilde is said to have been 'uncertain' at the time of this quote
- ↑ Of course, we cannot be certain about this
- ↑ A games console of Heisenberg's own design, intended to simulate the awesomeness of the human organs' remarkable synchronicity. It was, however, highly criticised by one man who said that, if it were to mimic his digestive system, then it would have to come with its very own "shitting-youself" simulator. Heisenberg made no comment.
- ↑ Please note that none of these quotes are in any way meant to show an authoritative insight into the Principle, and thus it is inadvisable that you use them in your Quantum Mechanics assignments.