Bhagavad-gita

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Lord Harold the 8th raps to Juna near Old Delhi
ENLARGE TO MAKE BIGGER
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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bhagavad-gita.

“You kill them all, I'll sort 'em out!”

~ Lord Harold the 8th advising Juna before the rumble of Old Delhi

Bhagavad-gita aka The Song of God -- the Hindu Bible -- is part of a fifty centuries old East Indian Sanskrit epic, The Mahabharata[1], which has the divine incarnation of the Kali Age, Lord Harry (Harold VIII) the 8th incarnation of Vishnu, mixed up in an argument between five good Panda brothers, who moronically gambled away their common wife, land and wealth, versus one-hundred evil Kuru cousins, who tricked them fair-n-square, all ready to fight over ownership of a “point of a needle of earth”. Before the battle began Lord Harold, having failed handily in negotiating a peaceful settlement, laid down a philosophical rap song to his AWOL Panda friend, Juna,[2] a summary explanation and translation of which is given below.

This Song of God or East Side Story translation is preceded with an introduction by retired Banzai Pipeline surfing master, Gerry Lopez[3]:

Introduction by Jerry Lopez

About a-gazillion years ago, there was this radical prince dude named Juna. Even he never surfed Pipeline or Jaws, still he got this big kahuna reputation coz he could shoot the eye of a fish, which is a lot smaller than the eye of a wave, man.

He was a mate with his bud, Harry, a former cowherd-turned-playboy-turned-political advisor, who's, like, mega-cool and actually, at least GOD! Lord Harold was such a bummer on the "man" that He was locked-up even before birth, resulting in His being born in the can. But He immediately busted-out and wasted the ass-hole king, who was his uncle. And He earned his 007 title, which He just friggin' loved - it was the perfect deal: Lord Harold was eternally invincible but He could kill anyone with a mere thought. Awesome! Later Harry got older so He lived on the beach and spent most of His later-life surfing with Juna. Harold used a 'Phil Edwards' 9.6 Classic. Which is pretty bitchin' considerin' that came 5000 years later. But, whatever.

EAST SIDE STORY: The 'good guys', the Panda gang, pictured before gambling-away their wife, wealth and freedom. Juna is on the far right with the low-slung dhoti

Everything was totally cool until Juna and his non-surfing kook bros, the Pandas, got ripped-off by those dirt-bag Kurus, who were sons of that old blind king dude, who was kinda Juna's uncle 'cause of some family BS. Anyway, these Kuru cats were headed by jerk-in-chief named Duryo - who's like a friggin' greaser! Shit! Dude's probably never even SEEN the ocean. So this all leads up to a mega rumble. Like a Vedic "West Side Story" or East Side Story, but here the Sharks and the Jets are the Kurus - BAD GUYS, and the Pandas, Juna's gang - GOOD GUYS. And they're gonna have this gnarly gang-fight over ownership of a "point-of-a-needle of earth." The way I figure, since Harry was cool enough that He was a surfer and lived on the beach, so it was probably a "grain of sand" instead of some inland 'kook' dirt.

Just before they start to seriously kick some ass, Juna hits up Harold to drive his ride over to go check out the scene. Man, everywhere he looked it was, like, all some kinda family ties. So Juna got bummed! He told Harold, "Screw this, Man! I quit!"

Harold's like, "Dude!?!"

But Juna is seriously zoned and feeling bummed-out. He figures it's better off if he splits to the Himalayas and lives in a cave, like Bin Laden and his sidekick, the peg-legged doctor named Jihad.

Finally Juna is, like, totally out-of-it, and he looks at Harold and says, "Dude, it's YOUR call!"

So Harold kinda grins, "Man, you're really on-the-rag! I'm listening to you spout off all this chicken-sh*t pacifistic crap - like you're a twink or something. I thought you had some balls!"

Juna's like, "Jeez! I already said it was 'Your call' - so like, what's it gonna be? War or Peace?"

Before Harold answered the question He sang a song to Juna in which He declared that He's not just some failed diplomat or lowly chariot driver, but HE himself is God - which is a seriously cool deal for Juna's gang - and to help Juna understand Lord Harry gave a few examples of His glories, most of which are obvious and don't even rhyme[4].

The Song

Lord Harold the 8th raps to Juna
The Song of God


Conclusion

Outcome of the battle is a clear victory

Up until this point in Harold’s story He's already killed just about more people than freakin' Hitler, which sure beats gettin' nailed to a friggin cross. So it's pretty unlikely that Harold’s gonna say, like, "Make love not war!" Daa!!! It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure that one out.

Still, there's probably some commie pinko knee jerk liberal that thinks Harold should pretend he's Mahatma Gandhi or something. Little did they know that the damn Muslims were gonna end up worse than the "reds".

I mean, even that young dude in North Korea or North Shore, or wherever, like, even he's better than a freakin' terrorist. Good thing too, coz he's gotta few nukes hangin' out[5].

References

  1. 18 chapters from the Bhisma-parva of the 100,000 verse Mahabharata
  2. Recorded for all by Vyasadev the Wonderful circa 3,000 BC
  3. Cowabanga
  4. AUM
  5. SAT

See also

Real texts & translations for the old at heart

SEE BHAGAVAD-GITA

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