France

République Exceptionnellement Française de France Française French Republic France
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: '"Nous sommes les meilleurs. Les autres sont juste trop betes pour le comprendre."'
Anthem: "Gendarme de Saint-Tropez" by Raymond Leferve
Capital	F (formerly Paris, formerly Bombay, City of Love)
Largest city	Paris
Official language(s)	Anything but English or Chinese, apparently.
Government	15783th Unitary republic
King of France	Louis XXX
‑ President	Andre the Giant
‑ Prime Minister	Jerry Lewis
National Hero(es)	The Scarlet Pimpernel, John Pershing, Dwight D. Eisenhower, George S. PattonQuebec
Established	Following the Napoleonic Wars, when Napoleon Bonaparte lost a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors to Lord Wellington.
Currency	The French Franc
Religion	Say Cheese
Ethnic groups	Extremely French People from French France: 57% Ethnic Lesbians: 22.5% Angry North Africans: 15% English holiday-home owners: 5% Oprah: 0.5% Alcoholics: yes
Major exports	cheese, brie, wine, cheese boards, wine racks, Le Car, statues of Liberty, Astérix comics, Lance Armstrong, obscure and overdramatic porn movies.
Hours of  operation	"Just take what you want and go!"

“The problem with the french is they don't have a word for entrepreneur”

~ George Bush on France

“I died in France”

~ Oscar Wild on France

A Frenchman defending his territory using gestures similar to an erogenous silverback gorilla.

Closer look on Franch map. Due to various minorities, the names are shown in arabic.

La France (from the Latin term for "the France") is a county of the former Romaine Empire known for its Freedom fries, Freedom toast, and Freedom snails. Formerly known as "Freedomland", it was changed to France by act of Parliament. By this time, however, Freedom Food was well known across the world, so the names stuck.

The French are a simple people who enjoy fine wine and good food while they murder you. Still think the French are weak! Try having a French goon turn your nuts into earings and your sack hairs into dental floss- Adolf Hitler

France (shown actual size)

France was found tied to a large outcrop of Alpine mountains at the end of the English Channel. Founded by the vertically-challenged psychopath Napoléon Bonaparte, France nevertheless grew into the tall and muscular nation it is today. The French are renowned for fermenting excellent cheese, brewing fine wines, and hurling sarcastic retorts at the British. The primary industry of France is fine wine production, coupled with the energy industry, powered by burning automobiles that have been left unattended for over 30 seconds.

France has also been known throughout history for being blamed any time another country screwed over and didn't bother presenting apologies. See 2003.

Fast Facts

• Capital: Bombay, City of Love. The capital used to be Paris up until 1995, when about 100,000 Norwegian Space Otters were enraged by a misplaced comment and ate the city. C'est la vie, n'est-ce pas?
• Population: 8-12 billion, depending on local humidity and egg sac hatch rates.
• Motto: Libertay, Egalitay, fraternitay! (English: "Cheese, Wine, More Cheese!")
• Total Area: 1.5 million sq. feet.
• Area covered by vineyards: 4.5 million sq. feet.
• Currency: Brie (100 cannon-berts = 1 brie)
• Ethnic Groups: Ethnic Lesbians 2.5%, Angry North Africans 20%, English holiday-home owners 10%, Oprah 0.1% - 0.5%, Alcoholics 69x10⁶⁹%.
• Government: Military dictatorship under the rule of President-for-Life Eiffel Tower: see "Politics"
• Legal System: Laws are enforced by the president's baton-happy gendarmes. Effectiveness is variable, depending on the amount of Algerians living within France at the time.
• National Pastime: Complaining
• Language: Usually the language that is spoken by the invading country. and/or le "racaille", an underbreed of french without all the stupid grammar. Reports have been made of "real" french still being spoken in some isolated rich neighboorhoods of Paris.
• Life Expectancy: Dependent on ability to evade gendarmes and power stations.
• Imports: berets, onions, Pretentious Coffee, fish and chips, Lance Armstrong, Germans, English currency, African football-players.
• Exports: cheese, wine, cheese boards, wine racks, cheese cloth, wine openers, cheese knives, wine glasses, arrogance, Le Car, statues of Liberty, Astérix comics, Lance Armstrong, Fags (cigarettes), Fags (fags), obscure and overdramatic porn movies with voice-overdubs, nuclear waste, young ethnic african soccerball players (mainly to Arsenal FC), Hatred for America, and cheap food , subsidised by England and weapons (of all forms) to the arabs.
• National Sports: Smoking, Non-Smoking, Retortion, Peasantry, Militant industrial action, Strikes and Downtown trafficstopping tractorparking.
• Twinned With: Brazil, Abdul_Alhazred, Quebec
• Biggest Industry: Being on strike. This is followed closely by reporcessing post offices.

French Cities

• One of France's major cities is Saxony, a source of untold Sexy violence and smooth jazz.
• I know a guy from Saxony-Anhalt, but you must not pronounce the "h". This is très sublime.
• France's capital is F. Before it was Versailles, but thats not a letter.
• Due to an EU pact, every fifty years Strasbourg technically becomes French.
• Detroit was French, until people in Detroit got sick of Strasbourg raiding its cabinet for food late at night and paid one of the robots to carry it to America.
• The smallest city of France is La Ville Sous La Mont, a subterranean estate where the Eiffel Tower's Human Assistants plot in secret against it, in perpetuity.

Military History

"Hmm, I think I'll take that one. -Adolf Hitler

See: French military victories , American military victories

(Side note to this section: Despite their history, the French in 1989 made a country-wide effort to put their military abilty together in one man, named Jean-Luc Picard. He was the only excellent strategist France has ever produced.

Gallic Wars Due to the fact that many Celtic tribes were fighting for dominance and were not a united people this does not qualify as a war. Some Celtic tribes actually wanted to be absorbed into the Roman Empire and allied themselves with Julius Ceaser.

Fall of Rome Won, the Franks who are considered the ancestors of the Modern French swept over Roman Gaul and made a kingdom out of it.

Hundred Years War Mostly won, saved at last by female schizophrenic who during a retreat inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

Italian Wars The wars began when, in 1494, Charles VIII of France invaded Italy and seized (1495) Naples without effort, only to be forced to retreat by a coalition of Spain, the Holy Roman emperor, the pope, Venice, and Milan. His successor, Louis XII, occupied (1499) Milan and Genoa. Louis gained his next objective, Naples, by agreeing to its conquest and partition with Ferdinand V of Spain and by securing the consent of Pope Alexander VI. Disagreement over division of the spoils between the Spanish and the French, however, flared into open warfare in 1502. Louis XII was forced to consent to the Treaties of Blois (1504–5), keeping Milan and Genoa but pledging Naples to Spain. Trouble began again when Pope Julius II formed (1508) an alliance against Venice with France, Spain, and Holy Roman Emperor Maximilian I (see Cambrai, League of). But shortly after the French victory over the Venetians at Agnadello (1509), Julius made peace with Venice and began to form the Holy League (1510) in order to expel the French “barbarians” from Italy. The French held their own until the Swiss stormed Milan (1512)—which they nominally restored to the Sforzas—routed the French at Novara (1513), and controlled Lombardy until they were defeated in turn by Louis’s successor, Francis I, at Marignano (1515). By the peace of Noyon (1516), Naples remained in Spanish hands and Milan was returned to France. The rivalry between Francis I and Charles V, king of Spain and (after 1519) Holy Roman emperor, reopened warfare in 1521, and the French were badly defeated in the Battle of Pavia (1525), the most important in the long wars. Francis was forced to sign the Treaty of Madrid (1526), by which he renounced his Italian claims and ceded Burgundy. This he repudiated, as soon as he was liberated, by forming the League of Cognac with Pope Clement VII, Henry VIII of England, Venice, and Florence. To punish the pope, Charles V sent Charles de Bourbon against Rome, which was sacked for a full week (May, 1527). The French, after an early success at Genoa, were eventually forced to abandon their siege of Naples and retreat. The war ended (1529) with the Treaty of Cambrai (see Cambrai, Treaty of) and the renunciation of Francis’s claims in Italy. France’s two subsequent wars (1542–44 and 1556–57) ended in failure. Francis died in 1547, having renounced Naples (for the third time) in the Treaty of Crépy. Complete Spanish supremacy in Italy was obtained by the Treaty of Cateau-Cambrésis (1559), which gave the Two Sicilies and Milan to Philip II.

Thirty Years War The Thirty Years War consisted of a series of declared and undeclared wars which raged through the years 1618-1648 throughout central Europe. During the Thirty Years War the opponents were, on the one hand, the House of Austria: the Habsburg Holy Roman Emperors Ferdinand II and Ferdinand III together with his Spanish cousin Philip IV. France took control of Alsace and much of the Rhineland while the Swedes took over or neutralized northern Germany and carried the war into Bohemia. The entry of France into the Thirty Years' War was the point of departure for a Franco-German traditional enmity, which was efficiently fomented during the late 19th century, while the Peace of Westphalia was interpreted as a visible sign of the inner conflicts and the powerlessness of the Reich.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War A defensive alliance formed by Holy Roman Emperor Leopold I with various German states, including Bavaria and the Palatinate, and with Sweden and Spain so far as their German interests were concerned. It was an acknowledgment of a community of German feeling against French expansion. The war that broke out after the French attack on the Palatinate in Oct., 1688, is sometimes designated the War of the League of Augsburg. In 1689 a new coalition against the French, the Grand Alliance, was formed by Austria, England, and the Netherlands. Savoy and Spain later joined the Alliance, and the war of 1688-97 is more properly known as the War of the Grand Alliance.

War of the Spanish Succession he War of the Spanish Succession, also known as Marlborough's Wars, fought in Europe and on the Mediterranean, were the last and the bloodiest of the Wars between England and France under Louis XIV, and the first in which Britain played a major military role in European military affairs. In 1713 England, Holland, and France signed the Peace of Utrecht. Charles continued the war until 1714. Although Philip remained on the Spanish throne, the principle of balance of power had been established in European dynastic affairs. By the terms of the treaty France agreed never to unite the crowns of France and Spain

American Revolution The French extended considerable financial support to the Congressional forces. France also supplied vital military arms and supplies, and loaned money to pay for their purchase. The high point of French support is the landing of five battalions of French infantry and artillery in Rhode Island in 1780. In 1781, these French troops under the command of Count Rochambeau marched south to Virginia where they joined Continental forces under Washington and Lafayette. A French fleet under the command of Admiral DeGrasse intercepted and, after a fierce battle lasting several days, defeated the British fleet and forced it to withdraw. This left the French navy to land heavy siege cannon and other supplies and trapped Cornwallis on the Yorktown peninsula. Abbé Robin, who witnessed the surrender, described the victorious American and French forces present at the ceremony. "Among the Americans, the wide variety in age -- 12 to 14-year old children stood side by side with grandfathers -- the absence of uniformity in their bearing and their ragged clothing made the French allies appear more splendid by contrast. The latter, in their immaculate white uniforms and blue braid, gave an impression of martial vigor despite their fatigue. How strange it must have been for these French troops and their new-found colonial allies, some of whom had fought each other as enemies barely fifteen years earlier, to stand shoulder to shoulder in armed conflict with France’s ancient enemy and the colonist’s blood kin! In the end, these French soldiers became the hard anvil upon which the new American nation was forged and the chains of British imperial domination were finally broken.

French Revolution Brutal civil war that spawned a long process that took France from Tyranny to Democracy.

Napoleonic Wars The Napoleonic. They were an continuation of the conflicts sparked by the French Revolution. The First Coalition (1793-1795) had been the first attempt to crush republicanism. Defeated by the French efforts - levée en masse, military reform, total war. The Second Coalition (1798-1800) was no more effective. Napoleon Bonaparte had come to control the French state since 1796. But he was unable to invade Britain directly, so boldly offered a double threat, invading Egypt in the summer of 1798 and mounting another expedition to Ireland. The French fleet was defeated by Horatio Nelson in the Battle of the Nile (August 1) at Aboukir (Abu Qir) and the Irish problem was quickly contained. Napoleon was trapped in Egypt and the old members of the First Coalition, excluding Prussia, quickly took advantage of this seeming lapse. Early victories in Switzerland and Italy were promising, but Russia withdrew; the British declined to engage and the Austrians were left to face the returning Napoleon at Marengo (June 14, 1800) and then at Hohenlinden (December 3). The bloodied Austrians temporarily left the conflict after the Treaty of Lunéville (February 1801). The Treaty of Amiens (1802) made peace between Britain and France, marked the final collapse of the Second Coalition. The French "perfidity" led to Britain refusing to honour the treaty and the renewal of hostilities from May 18, 1803. The conflict changed over its course from a general desire to restore the French monarchy into an almost manichean struggle against Bonaparte. 1805 April: Britain and Russia sign a treaty to liberate Holland and Switzerland. Austria joins the alliance in May (?), after the annexation of Genoa and the proclamation of Napoleon as King of Italy. French army moved from Boulogne in late July, 1805. At Ulm (September 25 - October 20) the French defeated 70,000 Austrians under Karl Mack von Leiberich. Austerlitz (December 2) was another massive Russian-Austrian defeat. Treaty of Pressburg. Germany, Confederation of the Rhine. Hanseatic towns. Prussians declare war alone. Defeated at Jena and Auerstädt (October 14. 1806). Napoleon in Berlin 27th. Russians, 1806. Stalemate at Eylau (February 7-8), but routed at Friedland (June 14). Alexander I and Naopoleon made peace at Tilsit (July 7, 1807). Congress of Erfurt (1808). Britain alone, again. British military activity was reduced to a succession of small victories in the French colonies and another naval victory at Copenhagen (September 2, 1807). On land only the disastrous Walcheren Expedition (1809) was attempted. The struggle then centred over economic warfare - Continental System vs. naval blockade. Both sides entered conflicts trying to enforce their blockade - the British the Anglo-American War (1812-1814) and the French the much more serious Peninsular War (1808-1814); Portugal, Bayonne (April), guerillas, Arthur Wellesley. Industrial Revolution. 1809 Austria attacks into Bavaria. Defeated at Wagram, July 5-6. Treaty of Schönbrunn (October 14, 1809).

1810 French empire reaches its greatest extent. Naopoleon marries Marie-Louise. As well as the French empire, Napoleon controlled the Swiss Confederation, the Confederation of the Rhine, and the Grand Duchy of Warsaw. Allied territories included: the Kingdom of Spain (Joseph Bonaparte); Kingdom of Westphalia (Jerome Bonaparte); the Kingdom of Italy (Eugène de Beauharnais, son of Joséphine (Napoleon was king)); the Kingdom of Naples (Joachim Murat, brother-in-law); Principality of Lucca and Piombino (Felix Bacciochi, brother-in-law).

Russia. 1812. Grande Armée, 600,000 men (270,000 French), crossed the Niemen River June 23, 1812. Russian policy of retreat and scorched earth. Borodino (September 7), bloody but indecisive. 14th Moscow captured and largely burned. Alexander I refused to deal. Great Retreat, 275,000 casualties, 200,000 captured. By November only 10,000 fit soldiers were among those who crossed the Berezina River. Napoleon returned to Paris in December to greet Louis de Reacharound.

At Vitoria (June 21, 1813) the French power in Spain was finally broken. Arthur Wellesley vs. Joseph Bonaparte. French forced to retreat out of Spain, over the Pyrenees. Austria and Prussia re-enter the war. France had small victories at Lützen (May 2) and Bautzen (May 20-21) over Russo-Prussian forces. Battle of Leipzig (October 16-19, 1813), Battle of the Nations: 195,000 French, 350,000 Allies; 110,000 casualties. Battle of Arcis-sur-Aube. Treaty of Chaumont (March 9). Allies enter Paris, March 31, 1814. Napoleon abdicated April 6. Treaty of Fontainebleau. Elba. Bourbon Restoration.

Hundred Days. Napoleon landed at Cannes, March 1, 1815. Raised 280,000 men. Attacked the Allies in Belgium, intending to take Wellington and Blucher in turn. Ligny (June 15), he defeated the Prussians, they retreated to Wavre. At Quatre Bras on same day Wellington was held. Battle of Waterloo (June 18). Napoleon abdicates again June 22, 1815. Saint Helena.

Franco-Prussian War Conflict between France and Prussia that signaled the rise of German military power and imperialism. It was provoked by Otto von Bismarck (the Prussian chancellor) as part of his plan to create a unified German Empire.

Partly because they believed France the aggressor, the states of S Germany enthusiastically joined the North German Confederation—just as Bismarck had hoped. The military conduct of the war was, for the Germans, in the hands of Helmuth Karl Bernhard von Moltke, a military genius. On the French side, Napoleon III took active command, but it soon devolved on Marshal Bazaine.

On Aug. 4, 1870, the Germans crossed the border into Alsace. They defeated the French at Wissembourg, pushed the French under Marshal MacMahon to Châlons-en-Champagne, and forced a wedge between MacMahon’s forces and those of Bazaine, centered on Metz. Bazaine, attempting to join MacMahon, was defeated at Vionville (Aug. 16) and Gravelotte (Aug. 18) and returned to Metz. The Germans began their march on Paris, and on Sept. 1 the attempt of Napoleon III and MacMahon to rescue Bazaine led to disaster at Sedan. The emperor and 100,000 of his men were captured. When the news of Sedan reached Paris a bloodless revolution occurred. Napoleon was deposed, and a provisional government of national defense was formed under General Trochu, Léon Gambetta, and Jules Favre. Paris was surrounded by the Germans on Sept. 19, and a grueling siege began. Gambetta escaped from Paris in a balloon to organize resistance in the provinces. Faidherbe made a gallant stand on the Loire, Chanzy in the north, and Bourbaki in the east, but the surrender (Oct. 27) of Bazaine, with a garrison of 180,000 men, made such resistance useless. Paris, however, held out until Jan. 28, 1871, suffering several months of famine. Though Bismarck and Adolphe Thiers signed an armistice on the same day, the fortress of Belfort resisted until Feb. 16.

Sino-French War Once believed to be one of the only two French naval victories, ever, modern historians later discovered this "war" to be nothing more than a patriotic folk tale in which the people of France overcome Satan and, in essence, sin itself.

World War I Imperial, territorial, and economic rivalries led to the “Great War” between the Central Powers (Austria-Hungary, Germany, Bulgaria, and Turkey) and the Allies (U.S., Britain, France, Russia, Belgium, Serbia, Greece, Romania, Montenegro, Portugal, Italy, Japan). About 10 million combatants killed, 20 million wounded. 1914- Austrian Archduke Francis Ferdinand and wife assassinated in Sarajevo by Serbian nationalist, Gavrilo Princip (June 28). Austria declares war on Serbia (July 28). Germany declares war on Russia (Aug. 1), on France (Aug. 3), invades Belgium (Aug. 4). Britain declares war on Germany (Aug. 4). Germans defeat Russians in Battle of Tannenberg on Eastern Front (Aug.). First Battle of the Marne (Sept.). German drive stopped 25 miles from Paris. By end of year, war on the Western Front is “positional” in the trenches. 1915 - German submarine blockade of Great Britain begins (Feb.). Dardanelles Campaign—British land in Turkey (April), withdraw from Gallipoli (Dec.–Jan. 1916). Germans use gas at second Battle of Ypres (April–May). Lusitania sunk by German submarine—1,198 lost, including 128 Americans (May 7). On Eastern Front, German and Austrian “great offensive” conquers all of Poland and Lithuania; Russians lose 1 million men (by Sept. 6). “Great Fall Offensive” by Allies results in little change from 1914 (Sept.–Oct.). Britain and France declare war on Bulgaria (Oct. 14). 1916 - Battle of Verdun—Germans and French each lose about 350,000 men (Feb.). Extended submarine warfare begins (March). British-German sea battle of Jutland (May); British lose more ships, but German fleet never ventures forth again. On Eastern Front, the Brusilov offensive demoralizes Russians, costs them 1 million men (June–Sept.). Battle of the Somme—British lose over 400,000; French, 200,000; Germans, about 450,000; all with no strategic results (July–Nov.). Romania declares war on Austria-Hungary (Aug. 27). Bucharest captured (Dec.). 1917 - U.S. declares war on Germany (April 6). Submarine warfare at peak (April). On Italian Front, Battle of Caporetto—Italians retreat, losing 600,000 prisoners and deserters (Oct.–Dec.). On Western Front, Battles of Arras, Champagne, Ypres (third battle), etc. First large British tank attack (Nov.). U.S. declares war on Austria-Hungary (Dec. 7). Armistice between new Russian Bolshevik government and Germans (Dec. 15). 1918 - Great offensive by Germans (March–June). Americans' first important battle role at Château-Thierry—as they and French stop German advance (June). Second Battle of the Marne (July–Aug.)—start of Allied offensive at Amiens, St. Mihiel, etc. Battles of the Argonne and Ypres panic German leadership (Sept.–Oct.). British offensive in Palestine (Sept.). Germans ask for armistice (Oct. 4). British armistice with Turkey (Oct.). German Kaiser abdicates (Nov.). Hostilities cease on Western Front (Nov. 11)

World War II It was at this point in history that France had lost so many wars that they started to loosen up, and really have fun with it. Refusing to lose quietly, they built the ever famed Maginot Line, whilst torturing their poor conquerors with incomprehensible poetry and mime. Their greatest weapon was, and remains to this day, French cinema. They used this horrifying deviceto great effect, effectively robbing the German forces of their will to live. This made them easy prey for the Allied Forces; Indiana Jones, Nick Fury, Captain America, Hellboy, and the Blues Brothers.

War in Indochina After the defeat of Japan, the question arose of what was to happen to Vietnam in the postwar world. There were two opposing forces attempting to answer that question, both of them appealing to the United States for help. The French wanted to reassert their control over Vietnam. Challenging them was a powerful nationalist movement within Vietnam committed to creating an independent nation. The nationalists were organized into a political party, the Vietminh, which had been created in 1941 and led ever since by Ho Chi Minh, a communist educated in Paris and Moscow, and a fervent Vietnamese nationalist. At first, the French had little difficulty reestablishing control. They drove Ho Chi Minh out of Hanoi and into hiding in the countryside; and in 1949, they established a nominally independent national government under the leadership of the former emperor, Bao Dai--an ineffectual, westernized playboy unable to assert any real independent authority. The real power remained in the hands of the French. But the Vietminh continued to challenge the French dominated regime and slowly increased its control over large areas of the countryside. The French appealed to the United States for support; and in February 1950, the Truman administration formally recognized the Bao Dai regime and agreed to provide it with direct military and economic aid. For the next four years, during what has become known as the First Indochina War, Truman and then Eisenhower continued to support the French military campaign against the Vietminh; by 1954, by some calculations, the United States was paying 80% of the France's war costs. But the war went badly for the French anyway. Finally, late in 1953, Vietminh forces engaged the French in a major battle in the far northwest corner of the country, at Dien Bien Phu, an isolated and almost indefensible site. The French were surrounded, and the battle turned into a prolonged and horrible siege, with the French position steadily deteriorating. It was at this point that the Eisenhower administration decided not to intervene to save the French. The defense of Dien Bien Phu collapsed and the French government decided the time had come to get out. The First Indochina War had come to an end. The politicians of the Fourth Republic had to deal with a number of problems related to France's status as a colonial power. The first of these problems centred on Indochina, i.e. Vietnam, Cambodia, and Laos (French protectorates had been established in the first two in 1863 and in the third in 1893). In September 1945, Hô Chi Minh, leader of the Vietminh League, had declared Vietnam's independence. Negotiations were underway to grant Vietnam the status of a free state within the Union française (roughly equivalent to the British Commonwealth) when, in November 1946, shots were exchanged between a Chinese junk and French customs officers in the port of Haïphong. Pro-colonialists exploited the incident to try and halt Vietnam's independence. Thus began an eight-year war that culminated in the French defeat at Diên Biên Phu in May 1954. The French sold the war to the United States for an undisclosed sum.

Algerian Rebellion 1954–1962 FACTS: War for Algerian independence from France. The movement for independence began in World War I and gained momentum after promises of greater self-rule went unfulfilled after World War II. In 1954 the National Liberation Front (FLN) began a guerrilla war against France and sought diplomatic recognition at the UN to restore a sovereign Algerian state. In 1959 Charles de Gaulle declared that the Algerians had the right to determine their own future. Despite terrorist acts by European Algerians opposed to independence, a truce was signed in 1962 and Algeria became independent. The Algerian war was also a civil war between the French Government, Algerian Nationalists and European Algerians.

Cola War Won due to magic.

War on Terrorism France thinks the whole war on terror is incredibly silly. They haven't even bothered translating the words "War on Terror" into French yet. They are under the impression that George Bush is a late-night talk show host who never has any good guests, and as a matter of fact have him confused with the guy who played Sylvester Stallone's sidekick in Demolition Man. They think Sylvester Stallone is the President. The rest of the world find this quite amusing, as they think that the real president is Arnold Schwartzenegger. The last official statement of the French government's position on the War On Terror was "Nous sommes les singes qui mangent du fromage et nous nous rendons."

French Military Tactics

File:FrenchtacticsingermaninvasionWWII.JPG

This map shows the army movements of France (blue) and Germany (red) in the Nazi invasion during WWII. Number of arrows represent army size.

Ancient France has a long and illustrious military history. For example, the Celts of Gaul fought the Roman Legions of Julius Caesar to the last...well, the five million next to last...well, actually they buggered off to Ireland and Wales. They still got their asses kicked, but at least they were fighting. Some of the time. Well, very little actual fighting. And look at Jeanne d'Arc (Ms. d'Arc if you're nasty), she inspired French people to fight...that's pretty impressive (she was later burnt upon a stake in equally impressive fashion by the English). Except that at the time there wasn't really such a place as France, it was some of the French versus a different bit of the French plus the English who were, actually, also French. In fact as the Burgundians were a load of barbarian invaders, the English were actually more French than most of the French. Capisco? So basically she inspired some of the French to lose a war with more of the French. Also, Gérard Depardieu has been known to kick some ass now and then when he's drunk.

French List

There are so many lists about France, that it has become a custom in anything about France, to make a dousen of superfluous lists, just so that there are enough lists.

• Frog
• Forth most annoying nationality (take a guess for #1)
• Etc.

Tourist Tips

The typical dress of the a Frenchman. To avoid getting assraped absorb the local culture, try dressing like this whilest in Benelux.

The Place in France Where the Naked Ladies Dance is a highly recommended destination. Places with this name may be found in many towns and cities; however, the canonical and most widely acclaimed is that of Saxony, called the Moulin Noir Clubbe.

Travellers beware! The mustard in France is much closer to the Mustard Seed, the central power source of all condiments everywhere, and real Dijon Mustard is so hot that it can melt fire.

Many French towns are known to have youth hostels that double as abbatoirs. Do not be confused about which section you're staying in.

French contributions to the World

Historical Contributions

The French have contributed a great deal to the world, however little of which is useful to you, me, or anyone else.

• Impressionism
• Bob le chat
• Gerard Depardieu
• Hedge funds
• The Landmime
• Sex
• Homosexuality
• Deep Fried Vodka
• Snails
• Hatred of America
• Citroen 2CV's
• Light Wine
• Big girls' blouses
• Masturbation
• Soufflé and that sweet liqueur
• Making garlic smell sexy
• Godzilla
• English tax sponging, inefficient, drunk peasant farmers
• Cute brunette actresses with miniscule pointy breasts
• Le Car (need I say more)
• Joe Le Taxi
• 24 Hours of Lemaze
• Socialism
• The French also have a long history of making cheese but sadly lack the creative ability to produce a decent, firm, Cheddar. To be fair, and the only real reason France is allowed to continue to exist, they do have the creative ability to produce a range of young actresses with decent, firm, pert breasts gently spilling out of their blouses. (see above)

French Cinema

French movies have a unique way of putting together things like the power of God and a '98 Ford Taurus, or a boat in a swimming pool and its relation with the left shoe of a dead man running naked across the country. Lots of people (all of them Linux users) go to the movie theater and sit on the floor while they feel the sexual problems of the modern life in the shape of that Ford Taurus. Here's a sample of a a typical French movie:

1. The camera starts in a park, zoom to a tree. Hold for 5 minutes.

2. A bird stands in the tree. It flies away. The camera doesn't move. 3 minutes.

2. The camera moves from the tree to a naked woman looking at the Sun. Slowly (a 4:30 minute movement). The woman is in the grass with a black duck.

- "It's hard to say, but at the beginning this was a big orange. Then the wind came. I remember, it was a pink cat."

3. A man enters the scene. He has a gun in his hand with a chocolate rabbit on it. Zoom to an ant for 20 minutes with the sound of a little kid crying because there is no more goose liver remaining.

- "Janet, I don't know why you are here, but I called you tomorrow and told you to come... remember?... you don't and now I must kill my first son."

4. She kills the duck with her shoe. They have sex. 15 minutes. They change position. 22 minutes. The camera makes a zoom at the blood from the duck; it's green. Silence for 45 minutes. The camera returns to them. The duck comes back to life, then shoots them.

- "Killed by a duck. Life is such an apple. I told you ... Charles."

- "Oui. Et il ne faut pas cautionner l'irréalité sous des aspérités absentes et désenchantées de nos pensées iconoclastes et désoxydées par nos désirs excommuniés de la fatalité ..."

- "I really hate my mother."

- "Now I'll never smoke this last cigarrete, with cat flavor. Let's have sex."

5. A dog eats them. The duck takes the cigarrete. Zoom at the tree again. 25 minutes of wind sound.

French poetry

French poetry can be grouped into two main classes: poetry about the loss of the will to live, and poetry that causes loss of the will to live.

The most cheerful French poet in history was Francois Villon, who wrote at length about death, the entertainment value of being hanged, and the utter fucked-upness of everything. The only line of his that anyone can remember nowadays is "Ou sont les neiges d'antan" (Where are the snows of last year) to which the obvious answer is "back in the sea with the rest of them", but Villon seems to have been ignorant of basic hydrology.

The most tedious French poet in history, from a long list of candidates, was Racine who wrote entirely in Alexandrines (and not, as some people believe, Alexander who wrote entirely in Racines.) Racine's most famous lines are

"Que fais-tu ici Dans ce mauvais endroit, dans cette place interdit" (What are you doing here in this bad and forbidden place)

which is the basic plot element of most of French cinema.

During the 20th Century French poets discovered Symbolism and T S Eliot (who, just to confuse everybody, wrote in French a great deal himself, e.g. "Je suis l'anti-Semite, le travailleur au banc, le Directeur du Faber aux depenses infinis"). As a result they wrote stuff like this:

"Que l'extreme chanteur roule de la crete, illuminante La vaste matiere indicible"

This kind of stuff was designed to prevent even the most advanced Parisian thinker from stealing it to recite over his pain au chocolate in the hope of impressing himself into his girlfriend's culottes. (Not to mention, this being after all France, her cul.)

French poetry came to an end with the rise of French pop music, which is exactly like American pop music except that "Yeah,yeah" is spelt Yé-Yé. By accident one song was actually written by a genuine literary intellectual, Raymond Queneau (Si tu t'imagines, fillette, fillette) and rose to the top of the French Hit Parade. But of course Queneau was Algerian and so didn't count as properly French.

French kissing

Mmmm... Nice Juice.

French kissing, widely renowned, is an oft mispracticed sport. The state-sponsored LPF (Ligue de Patins Français) publishes many informative guides for French citizens on safe and fun ways to practice this elegant pass-time. It is rumoured that this department was set up to bring about the impression that the French people were fantastic lovers. Opinion is divided on whether this is succeeding.

The sport is always played on Main Street and should not to be confused with other similar European variants. Thus "Belgian kissing" is that which takes place in a garage forecourt shortly before lace-making lessons, "Norwegian kissing" is at the top of a fire escape during a hotel fire, while "Swedish kissing" is of the type seen while queueing interminably for the check-out at IKEA.

A 'Glaswegian Kiss' usually occurs with a can of kestrel super strength in one hand and a battered mars bar supper in the other, and is memorable in that it usually redesigns the bridge of your nose permanently.

Fun Facts about France

1. France is believed to have first practiced fellatio, a popular past-time around the world.
2. France is alone among Western European nations in still believing itself to be a colonial power. Thus the country keeps an iron stranglehold on its colonies, occasionally hitting them up for booze and cigarettes.
3. France used to own America as one of its colonies, but traded it to the British for a carton of cigarettes and the promise that no Briton ever would ever cook a meal on French soil again.
4. The Maginot Line, a magical wall designed to ward off the Germans, now points inward, largely used to extinguish burning cars and protect the Palais Elysee from French Attack.
5. Stargate was banned under controversial separation of church and state laws.
6. There are no fat French women. This is because they spend too much time smoking cigarettes and not enough time eating cheese. If you see a fat woman in France she will be American.
7. Invented the Art of Being Blamed for Somebody Else's Mistakes. See Freedom Fries
8. The first thing French children are taught is: "Je voudrais des frites"
9. French is the 11th most spoken language in the world, spoken by about 77 people and a tribe of Pygmes in Botswana.
10. 1/4 people in France have at least one grandparent who was born outside France.
11. 3/4 everyone in France die in urban places.
12. French cuisine is considered the best in the world in France.
13. Over 76 million tourists went to France in 2001. Over 73 million went home afterwards.
14. Most French universities can be free of students.
15. French is one of the countries with the lowest literacy rate in the world: 0.33434%. The only lower rate is found in Dixie, Republicanland.
16. On average, a French kid watches television for just under twentytwo hours a day.
17. The French read magazines more than anyone else in the world.
18. More than 61,000 Americans live in France, mostly in the Bastille near Paris.
19. France is the largest nation in Western Asia.
20. The french is the most prominent riotees in the world. (This is because rioting is necessary since the native language is completely unintelligible and useless for negotiation.)
21. France has over 5 million different cheeses.
22. France is one of the world's major wine producing nations with a long standing traditions of producing drunkards.
23. Louis XIV, the second longest monarch in history, ruled over France for 72 hours.
24. The smell alone of French camembert can be used to weld metals, as well as to ward of vampires (and any creature with a sense of smell)

See also

• Cheese
• Sex
• Captain Jean-Luc Picard
• Gaston
• USA
• smoking
• WWIII.V
• Socialism