Exam
“I passed an exam, once. It hurt.”
Exams are formal assessments of a particular subject designed specifically to put students in severe depression, thus only the most dedicated and non-suicidal students will make it through the course without their heads exploding.
School Exams[edit | edit source]
High School[edit | edit source]
Remember all those nerdy kids that you bullied back in school? The short ones that had no power over anything at all, the ones that threatened to fight you...in some computer game? Yeah, you laughed at them then but now guess who's in charge of your child's school? Yeah that's right, you're child is screwed in his next exams. (he may also be your boss, in which case you are screwed also)
High School Exams are geared to test the mental endurance of the student at their most depressed stage in their life, only the strongest survive. It also aims to only test the most unpopular subjects taught at the school, other subjects such as music and sport are not regarded as important in your child's life, however specialist maths and the knowledge of how to construct a NASA space ship are.
Maths Exams[edit | edit source]
Maths is said to be the mother of all science.
Special Schools[edit | edit source]
Due to the extreme political correctness around the world at the moment, even the "special" students are marked through exams. Unlike the normal exams where it is technically impossible to pass, these exams are designed in a way that everybody wins! Yay! An example of one of these exam questions is:
What animal has four legs?
a.
Dog
b. Cat
c.
Fish... with legs
d. Your mom
Answer: a, b, c and d are all correct, half marks are also awarded to students that selected a, b c or d.
Official Uncyclopedia Exam[edit | edit source]
Answer the following questions to the best of your abilities. (NOTE: Failing this test may and probably will result in the world-wide boiling alive of every kitten in the world.) wut wut wut ?
If you see a old woman trying to cross the road, what should you do?
a. Rape her
b. Ignore her
c. Help her cross the road
d. Help her cross the road and carry her groceries
e. Help her cross the road and carry her groceries and guide her to her Top-Secret-Ultra-Technologically-Advanced-Evil-Mastermind-Lab house and help her clean the nuclear reactor inside the house
f. Help her cross the road and carry her groceries and guide her to her Top-Secret-Ultra-Technologically-Advanced-Evil-Mastermind-Lab house and help her clean the nuclear reactor inside the house AND help her achieve her plans for World Domination.
g. Help her cross the road and carry her groceries and guide her to her Top-Secret-Ultra-Technologically-Advanced-Evil-Mastermind-Lab house and help her clean the nuclear reactor inside the house AND help her achieve her plans for World Domination. And kill her.
Answer: Obviously a.
By raping her you would help ease her terrible craving for Magic mushroom's and Maplestory.
b. If you had ignored her she could think the entire world has ganged up with Malaysiain their super conspiracy plan against old folks and commit suicide.
c. If you had helped her cross the road, she would get a heart attack and suffer shock because she would think you are some robber trying to steal her precious bag of half-rotten tomato. (The same would happen to answers d, e and f.)
“What? No, those answers are all rigged! And I do know a thing or two about riggin”
University Exams[edit | edit source]
These are considered the easiest exams one will ever come across in their lives. Lectures are led by senile professors that can barely tell one face from the next, so they won't notice the change in skin colour when "you" sit your exam. To get high marks at University, all you need to do is sit a subject that encourages creative thinking, such as Philosophy. There is a simple rule for passing these exams, when asked a question during the exam, answer with a lengthy using big words whenever you can. The examiner isn't likely to notice that the answer has no relevance to the question at all. After all, they do work at a University, they would most likely smoke just as much weed as the next person.
Oral exams[edit | edit source]
Oral exams are always done with the mouth. The nerves in the mouth are very sensitive, so examining objects with the mouth as some sort of a sensor it a very adequate way of learning more about these objects. Taste, smell and dimensions of objects can be registered by parts of the mouth and while the tongue is used in the investigations, this can be very stimulating to the person who is being investigated. Oral exams are often referred to as orals. They are often seen as an alternative to rectal exams.
Why?[edit | edit source]
Why do they ruin your life like this? Why do they try to find out all these things? Or why do they even exist? The answer should be obvious, some really far-fetched conspiracy theory should explain it. Seeing as it's so obvious, we might just examine you on it just to make sure you aren't fooling with us, Fill in the gaps:
- Q1. It is obvious and without a doubt that the _______ are trying to examine us because of top secret reasons.
- A. Spanner Manufacturers, B. Nuclear Bees, C. Rabid Monkey Clan.
- Q2. They use the data gained through the exams to add to their top-secret archives in _____
- A. Moscow, B. Berlin, C. Every Capital city in Europe.
- Q3. The <insert answer to question 1> will personally _______ anyone that knows too much about them.
- A. Shoot, B. Incinerate, B. Stab.
- Q3. You are ______
-A. screwed, B. fucked, C. now completely ignorant of whatever conspiracy theories you may have been thinking about a moment earlier.
Top exam tips:[edit | edit source]
If you are clever enough to be apathetic and lazy you are probably clever enough to get a C or above, This clearly shows that revision makes you mind swell up, because of the subliminal messages hidden by space aliens who are trying to use your "compulsion" to revise to steal our universe.
Also do not be confused between exam and ex-am which is when your morning can be taxed from you by your local authority. If this should happen, remember to wear very bright colours in the afternoon so as to avoid lack-of-morning sickness.
Ex-am and exam should most certainly not be mixed up with exham. An exham which involves reshaping spam or ham, or a mixture of the two into a pig or piglet, and then proceeding to kill it with sticks and eat the meat so as to more accurately recreate hunter-gatherer techniques.
If none of the above tips work, then Fuck it. Why should big EVILLLL exam boards be able to laugh at the huge hilarious mistakes you make? When you do get to sitting your Exam, then grab the Exam firmly, and fold it into a precision Stealth Bomber.
Typical Questions[edit | edit source]
1. Produce an accurate drawing of the male or female genitalia (choose). Whichever you choose, please ensure you use the tracing paper provided.
2. What is amnesia?
(a) Memory loss
(a) Memory loss
(a) Memory loss
3. Discuss the idea that Willy Wonka was a paedophile.
4. Explain why one needs to pay telephone bills in a country of 'free speech'.
5. 'If four out of five people suffer from diarrhoea, the remaining one out of five must enjoy it.' Discuss the feasibility of this statement.
6. Calculate the probability of Barack Obama being a terrorist. Show all appropriate working.
2. What is amnesia?
(a) Memory loss
(a) Memory loss
(a) Memory loss
See also[edit | edit source]
- Rectal exam (A popular exam amongst those here at Uncyclopedia).
- The Indestructible Properties