William Woodman
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William Bartholomew Alloucious Wintrop Pilot Inspektor Woodman, Esquire, OBE, Squirrel (born 1985 in Chernobyl, Ukraine) served as the fifth member of the Israeli Knesset as a delegate of the Leibowitz Party of Four in the 1996-99 term, but he was convicted of fraud, corruption, and sodomy, sending him to jail for a three year term. While in jail, Woodman devised an escape plan from the jail, starting at New York, ending in California, and the mid-way point called St Louis; he referred to the escape path as Route 66. He was then sued for intellectual property infringement.
Woodman bought a linguistics degree out of the degree-farm pseudo-sham college Princeton University, but then found out that no one would take him seriously. Next, he donated half a million dollars and built a new building for the University of Pennsylvania, earning him a doctorate and the guaranteed spots for all his children, grandchildren, neighbors, admirers, and whores.
The Woodman Alphabetical Postulate[edit | edit source]
In 2007, Woodman wrote a series of scholastic papers centered on alphabetical evolution, which were collectively sold for heroin money. The thesis of the main paper was centerd on the statement, 'The letter W is actually a double V.'
Woodman realized that while the letter W is pronounced double-U, it is written double-V.
Therefore, he stated, a linguistic revolution would come, in which the world would split into two opposing factions (excluding non-Latin based alphabet users): those who wrote and pronounced the letter W as VV or UU, as would theoretically make sense. Woodman then theorized that non-latin alphabet users, who would be expected to take a neutral stance, would be accused by the UU side as siding with the conservative loonies, whereas the VV would say the neutrals were the lazy bourgeois who did not meet the demands of the people, resulting in both sides declaring war on, and annihalating, the non-latin speakers.
Involvement of the Government[edit | edit source]
The government of the United States, upon hearing Woodman's thesis, realized that the annihalation of the rest of the world fit nicely into long-term American objectives. The governmant was very interested and immediately brought Woodman over to the Pentagon and gave him a nice job in the Strategic Planning Department of the US Army. For the next two years, he was kept under Restricted Access, and not much is known about his work at the time. At roughly the same time, propaganda began circulating in literary circles, which conspiracy theorists attributed to the USA. The White House did not confirm or deny on the subject.
Attacks on Shakespeare and Downfall[edit | edit source]
Quickly, the world began to divide into sides, with Woodman at the helm. Woodman then began attacking the father of modern English, Shakespeare, for abandoning his duties as the Father and not deciding this important matter during his own time. Woodman called Shakespeare the equivalent of a drunken slob and began a pogrom against all Shakespearian works, a move which schoolchildren across the English-speaking world were thrilled about. Children began marches in the street in support of Woodman, sporting a linguistic fevor not seen since the Nurenberg Rallies & bookburnings of 1936.
Sadly, Woodman's plans were near completition when he was found dead in a tub of beans, drowned. Newspapers, calling the death 'horribly disgusting' and 'very manly,' began to debate about the suspicious timeline around his death. Following subsequent police investigations, it was found that Woodman had been assassinated by agents of the Shakespearian Institute, explaining the passage of Hamlet found near his corpse.